Evenin' Beth,

Nice re-write. And I still recognise the characters. Well done! (... and you kept her at a dead end -I enjoy reality!)

The chorus, second verse and bridge tell a better story. Also, I like the idea of a rotating chorus. But (of course), IMO... I think you need to move some of the original details from chorus A into chorus B, in doing so you satisfy both, the rotation and repetition - while making the whole dang thing easy for me to remember.

Some sugs , KOS:

She should’ve known better
But she was drawn to that letter
The “D” on his varsity jacket
Captain of the football team
Starring in her every dream
He was the Big Man on Campus

Pushed by drinks and a dare
She asked him then and there
If he believed in love at first sight
First amused by her nerve
Then aroused by each curve
He slyly said “not ‘til tonight”

Chorus:
In their little school pond
He had risen to the top
A magnet for all
The cream of the crop
Too caught up in his glory
To worry how it’d be
She set off into the real world
With her own BMOC

Soon enough her fantasy
Was challenged by the reality
Shadows never get their moment in the sun
Much too proud to admit it
For seven years she hid it
'Til his drunken buddy laughed “ain't your girl fun.”

Bridge:
That dare had set in motion
Like a sorcerer’s potion
A union that was not meant to be
She’d been envied in school
Now she was stuck and a fool
Listening to re-runs of 1983

Chorus:
In their little school pond
He had risen to the top
A magnet for all
The cream of the crop
Too caught up in his glory
To worry how it’d be
In the audience held captive
By that BMOC with a capital “D”... !

Kudos & XO's
Pogo - Randy

Last edited by PogoDog; 09/15/07 10:08 AM.
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