JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 "BMOC" -- Last Rewrite...in 1st post, beneath original version

Hey Pogo,

PHEW...I'm glad you liked it....I suspect we all overthink these things and lose the forest for the trees sometimes (or is it the other way I around )...

Anyway, part of my overthinking was about the very lines you addressed. I was clinging to the line "basking in the shadows of his moments in the sun"....and while it was certainly long...I wonder if your suggestion (seemingly making HER the "shadow") if it's clear enough that he is still rambling on and on about his glory days. I do love your line, though. Also, while I like the last line, does it give a good enough reason to indicate it was "the last straw" for her? Hmmmm, I'll have to think on that...

As for your suggestions on the chorus, I think that makes good sense to bring more of chorus A into chorus B. Again, I was so enamored with the "faded mantle" line, I got stuck. But I think you've lost the actual announcement that she is leaving him, and I wonder if the last line is too long. Re-reading your comment about keeping her at a dead end, did you get that she was going to leave? NOW you've got me thinking about adding in the S.O.B. BMOC...do you think people would get the S.O.B. acronym (Son of a B ----)?

Anyhoo, while your comments are sending me back to the drawing board, I truly appreciate you investing your time to help me make this a stronger piece. You have a lot of good suggestions for me to mull over. You're the DOG (HAR HAR!)!!

Thanks a lot...let me see what the rest of the gang is thinking....

Back atcha,
Beth