Nice work on the rewrite. You selected some good advice to follow, and I have to agree with Pogo that the characters didn't get lost in the rewrite, and your theme comes through much more clearly now.

I might also agree with Pogo in his advise about the timelines in the chorus. It would seem to fit the chronology better.

All in all I really like the song. It's one of those lyrics that creates it's own music when I read the lyric. I love it when that happens.

Great Job.

If music be the food of love, why is it so hard to keep my family fed?