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Lot Long
by Gary E. Andrews - 11/10/26 11:20 AM
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,700 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,700 Likes: 2 |
This has been moving right along, so I didn't intend to chime in. Oh well.  A couple of things I'll mention (see below). Donna Magic Lamp...Oh Magic Lamp Grant us this one wish Let's seal it with a kiss Suggest something stronger and fresher. This is a cliche.My Magic Lamp Verse 2: I don't mind that old flannel nightgown Or that the night cream you put on your face Try to avoid repeating words that are so close together (unless for special emphasis, which isn't required here). You've used the word 'night' three times in the first three lines.I don't care you're a night owl I EVEN GOT USE D TO THAT... I don't mind how you rack up the credit To buy dresses to party in The sudden image of party dresses is at odds with the description of her in a flannel nightgown and face cream. If they party, that would already indicate their life isn't so humdrum. Unless she goes out and parties by herself, which would be a whole other story.  But I can't ignore this feel-ing Some-thing is missing. I feel the end rhymes in this verse need to be stronger.
Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.
Life is too important to take seriously.
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