Hi Petra,

You seem to have missed my point about not having lines that are meaningless without the lines that follows them and I notice Roy has reminded you again.
Maybe you didn't understand that, but in that case, ask.
Pick up every stitch remember. grin

You started both verses that way. Verse 2:
"Darling I don't mind how you wear
That nightgown THAT'S seen better days"

The second line stands alone but the first so-called "line" is meaningless on its own so essentially it takes the two of them to make ONE line. . . but that ONE line is too long, so then you just do some succinct and hopefully clever shortening. I'll halp with that verse (2) in a bit but first here is how I think verse ONE should run.

RHYME SCHEME: ABCB DEFE

Honey I don't care if you're losing your hair
Or HOW YOU HIDE IT UNDER YOUR baseball cap
I don't care about the dishes IN THE SINK
I'VE EVEN GOTTEN USED TO THAT. . .
I don't mind the note on the fridge
"ME AND The Boys Gone Fishing"
But I can't ignore this fee-ling
Some-thing is missing.


Save the "towels" and the "door that needs fixing" and any extras like the one's Roy or Stan offered, .for elsewhere . . . like NOW there's enough material for a VERSE 3 maybe, or maybe some of those things will be better than some of the other household complaints in verse 2.
WRITE DOWN ALL THE LEFTOVER AND PRUNED ITEMS AS YOUR PARTS DEPARTMENT
OF SUBJECT MATTER TO CHOOSE THE BEST OF IF NEED BE.

It would be excellent and obviously rewarding practice for you to try and rewrite verse 2 to perfectly match this new verse one.

Also. . . it might be be wise to not try to orchestrate this thing, with multiple voices, male and female, whatever, when you aren't a musician yet.

Terry

Last edited by Terry G; 03/21/11 11:52 PM.