Originally Posted by Mike Dunbar
Originally Posted by rblight
OK. Here is the latest version. Lots of detail and imagery. Please feel free to rip it up if necessary. I am not quite satisfied with the stress and intonation in some of the verses but hopefully it is a good start.

Sweet Kentucky Rose

I remember the tears in her eyes
When she said she'd always wait there for me
A rambling boy with my head in the sky
I had dreams to live and places to see
Rode out of town on the last greyhound bus
In a late November Kentucky rain
Searched every town from New York to LA
But the happiness I sought never came
And I have nobody but myself to blame

My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
Girl, I'm coming home

A country girl with a pure southern heart
Grew up in a small town west of Pikeville
Riding horses on her daddy's farm
Sipping whiskey from her granddaddy's still
We fell in love on an early spring night
While romancing at the Pike County fair
Bluegrass music on the car radio
Streaks of moonlight in her rosy red hair
I think it's time I get myself back down there

My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home

I took my freedom and traveled the world
I've seen everything any one man can see
I broke all the shells but did not find that pearl
But deep inside I've always known where it would be
And she was always sitting right there next to me

My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
I'm comin' home; I'm comin' home
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know I'm comin'
Yes I'm comin' home to be right next to you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
You know it won't be long
It won't be long till I'm back home with you
My sweet Kentucky Rose
My sweet, sweet, sweet Kentucky Rose


OK, here goes.

First verse, if I were writing it, I'd say, "the tear in ROSE'S eye." it introduces her name right away and makes the first line more personal. As far as that goes, I probably wouldn't have started with "I remember." again, writing about what you feel, observe etc., it's once-removed from the action. The remembering isnt the action, the tear in her eye is. I'd say something like "There was a tear in my sweet Rose's eye" now you've told the listener her name, about the tear, and that she means something to you. Remembering is passively understood, (of course you remember it or you couldn't have told it.) "...late November Kentucky" is a little cluttered maybe just late November, then next line you could start the journey from KY, introducing it. The "came blame" rhyme seems a little forced to me.

Next verse "grew up in a small town West of Pikeville" sounds a little journalistic. Try something that says that without directly saying it. I could say, "We grew up poor," journalistic, or I could say, "Growing up, franks and beans were all we could afford for Sunday dinner," show them rather than tell them.

Sipping whiskey from her granddaddy's still. Personally, I wouldn't mention alcohol unless it's central to the story. You're putting it in for color, but it introduces a new element to the story...she drank at a young age. Notice very few country songs mention women drinking UNLESS it is central to the story (e.g. John Anderson's "Straight Tequila Nights" Tanya Tucker's "Jose Cuervo" Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman.") Everything else, this is the strongest verse, to me. Only tiny nit, If I were writing it, I'd say, "Southern Girl with a pure country heart."

I like the bridge, but it says, "and she was always sitting there right next to me." Does that mean she came with you on the bus? I don't think that's what you meant.

Again, hope this helps. And again, this is much better.

All the Best,
Mike



Thanks for taking the time, Mike. I appreciate it. I will try to do something different with the first verse.

What I was trying to do in the the second verse is come up with a bunch of images that were particular to KY. I understand about the alcohol reference but is Nashville really that picky about such things? Frankly, all the ultra positive country stuff I hear makes me not want to listen to country music. I am not saying that it is always a bad thing, but not everybody is a super positive family oriented church-going, bible believing man/woman with a daddy's/mommy's little angel who skips stones on the river and makes barbecue stains on her boyfriend's white t-shirt.

Even though I am not a native to Nashville, I actually attended Western Kentucky University in Bowling Green for two years and I can tell you that the girls down there are not all angels and they definitely like to sip on the whiskey.

The very first taste of alcohol I ever had was in a dorm room during a hooch party. I was given a paper cup full of something and told to slam it to prove I was worthy to drink with them. After listening to one too many bad jokes about how Northerners like me (I am originally from Michigan) talked too much through their noses and couldn't hold their liquor, I decided to take them up on their offer.

What I didn't know was that the paper cup contained pure grain alcohol, which they were using to spike the trash bag filled with kool aid. I thought I was drinking mildly spiked kool aid until my throat started to burn like it was on fire. Like a dummy I didn't bother to take a sip first. I just chugged. Soon after things started to get hazy. I don't remember too much after that (except for the sound of laughter), but I do remember that it took me a few days to completely recover from the experience. Those guys turned out to be pretty cool friends, but I have a seriously hard time believing that they are listening to positive country on the radio right now.

Fisherman hook fish; songwriters fish for hooks

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