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Hey rblight

I haven't listened to the song yet, but I plan to after I post this. Your lyrics while good are not great or incredible. They don't tug. You need lyrics that twist and turn emotions. You need to show us not tell us. We all have problem with that one I know, but you need to find interesting ways to draw in your audience. Just like music needs hooks, riffs, melodies and many other pieces lyrics need this as well.

One thing I do know that nashville wants is stories that build to climactic endings ("Don't take the girl" Tim Mcgraw) ("One boy one girl" Colin Rae) ("The Impossible" Joe Nichols). These songs all have one thing in common they build the story in the chorus and the verse. Even if the chorus is the same they use it for totally different meanings as applied to the preceeding verse.

Now down to some meat and potatoes stuff. Your lyric's hook is repeated so much I would get sick of it. I need something else to go with it. Why does he love her? Why did he leave? Why does he want to go back? I get no real picture of what's going on.

This might hurt or help, but here is my idea of one of the most perfect story telling lyrics. It's not modern and it may not even be what nashville want right now, but look at the style and this can be a roadmap to writing better songs


Artist: Milsap Ronnie
Song: Smoky Mountain Rain
Album: 40 N1 Hits Ronnie Milsap Sheet Music
Ronnie Milsap CDs

Get “Smoky Mountain Rain” Ringtone Now

I thumbed my way from LA back to Knoxville
I found out those bright lights aint where I belong
From a phone booth in the rain I called to tell her
I've had a change of dreams I'm comin' home
But tears filled my eyes when I found out she was gone

Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain

I waved a diesel down outside a cafe'
He said that he was goin' as far as Gatlinburg
I climbed up in the cab all wet and cold and lonely
I wiped my eyes and told him about her
I've got to find her!
Can you make these big wheels burn?

Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain

I can't blame her for lettin' go
A woman needs someone warm to hold
I feel the rain runnin' down my face
I'll find her no matter what it takes!

Smokey Mountain rain keeps on fallin'
I keep on callin' her name
Smokey Mountain rain I'll keep on searchin'
I can't go on hurtin' this way
She's somewhere in the Smokey Mountain rain

This song talks about a similar concept as your song, but listen to how he tells the story and the images he uses read this several time then listen to the music. As I say it might not help , but it might give it try and see.

Now I'll go listen to your song and see how the musical production sounds.
Derek