JPF Home Page Forums General Messages General Message Forum songwriter blues

OK, here goes.

First verse, if I were writing it, I'd say, "the tear in ROSE'S eye." it introduces her name right away and makes the first line more personal. As far as that goes, I probably wouldn't have started with "I remember." again, writing about what you feel, observe etc., it's once-removed from the action. The remembering isnt the action, the tear in her eye is. I'd say something like "There was a tear in my sweet Rose's eye" now you've told the listener her name, about the tear, and that she means something to you. Remembering is passively understood, (of course you remember it or you couldn't have told it.) "...late November Kentucky" is a little cluttered maybe just late November, then next line you could start the journey from KY, introducing it. The "came blame" rhyme seems a little forced to me.

Next verse "grew up in a small town West of Pikeville" sounds a little journalistic. Try something that says that without directly saying it. I could say, "We grew up poor," journalistic, or I could say, "Growing up, franks and beans were all we could afford for Sunday dinner," show them rather than tell them.

Sipping whiskey from her granddaddy's still. Personally, I wouldn't mention alcohol unless it's central to the story. You're putting it in for color, but it introduces a new element to the story...she drank at a young age. Notice very few country songs mention women drinking UNLESS it is central to the story (e.g. John Anderson's "Straight Tequila Nights" Tanya Tucker's "Jose Cuervo" Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman.") Everything else, this is the strongest verse, to me. Only tiny nit, If I were writing it, I'd say, "Southern Girl with a pure country heart."

I like the bridge, but it says, "and she was always sitting there right next to me." Does that mean she came with you on the bus? I don't think that's what you meant.

Again, hope this helps. And again, this is much better.

All the Best,
Mike