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So. Kind of a 3rd or something draft. I was reading something about Jack Kerouac the other day, and though I haven't yet read On The Road, I read through a bunch of quotes and I know I NEED to read it! This is an uptempo country song... I'll record a worktape later (I've got the chords and melody all worked out). Would love some suggestions on how to improve it.

I kind of wanted a little dark twist in there to shake things up, but don't know how well it's worked, if anyone would understand it - see the bridge. Could easily change that so there isn't a twist.


Kerouac

V1
It’s a good few hours from our small town
To the edge of the world
We’re kicking dust in the face of the sun
Flying south like birds

CHORUS
Wild eyes, truck tyres, ding dong ditch on heaven’s door
From now, tonight, we’re all we couldn’t be before
We run away like sinners on holy ground
A sweet escape, doing Kerouac proud

V2
A handful of rebels that ain’t gonna settle
This side of judgement day
We had to hit that highway hard
Cause it’s been cursing our names

BRIDGE
We can all fall down like stars right now if we want
Let them find us when we’re too far gone
Yeah

CHORUS
Wild eyes, truck tyres, ding dong ditch on heaven’s door
From now, tonight, we’re all we couldn’t be before
We run away like sinners on holy ground
A sweet escape, doing Kerouac proud

Wild eyes, truck tyres, ding dong ditch on heaven’s door
From now, tonight, we’re all we couldn’t be before
We run away like sinners on holy ground
A sweet escape, doing Kerouac proud
Doing Kerouac proud
Doing Kerouac proud

i'm likin' this Lex!Maybe another verse or two for us rebels.That's some good inspiration you're reading!Mike

I'm like Michael, Like it a Lot!

My only Confusion, bein' a Yank, is that "Ding dong ditch" Line...

I'm Interpreting it to mean Ya ring the bell there, then Scoot-Away... But it's Not Easy for a Yank to instantly Translate that line...(& maybe I'm wrong?)

Quite the Enjoyable Read, overall!
Good Luck with it!

Best Wishes & Big Good-Luck Hugs,
Stan

Kerouac

It’s a good few hours from our small town
To the edge of the world
We’re kicking dust in the face of the sun
Flying south like birds

A handful of rebels that ain’t gonna settle
This side of judgement day
We had to hit that highway hard
Cause it’s been cursing our names

Wild eyes, truck tyres, ding dong ditch on heaven’s door
From now, tonight, we’re all we couldn’t be before
We run away like sinners on holy ground
A sweet escape, doing Kerouac proud

*Passed here once in my grandpa’s truck
Back when I was eight
Not a cloud’s gone by in that warm blue sky
Wish I could say the same* <- NEW VERSE

We can all fall down right now if we want
Let them find us when we’re too far gone
Yeah

Wild eyes, truck tyres, ding dong ditch on heaven’s door
From now, tonight, we’re all we couldn’t be before
We run away like sinners on holy ground
A sweet escape, doing Kerouac proud

Wild eyes, truck tyres, ding dong ditch on heaven’s door
From now, tonight, we’re all we couldn’t be before
We run away like sinners on holy ground
A sweet escape, doing Kerouac proud
Doing Kerouac proud
Doing Kerouac proud




Michael - I added an extra verse - what do you think? Thank you, pleased you like the lyric!

Stan - I looked up ding dong ditch just now, and actually I found that it's commonly called that in the states, haha! Maybe you're just missing something LOL! Thanks for the comments, glad you like it overall.

Excellent Lex!i think you have the knack for this songwritin' stuff!Mike

Very nice, lex! Fresh, honest and unpretentious!
I like it!
Keep it up!

Mike (aka mike # 2)

Lol thanks Mike #1, always good for an aspiring writer to have some level of talent, haha! Glad you think so
Hey Mike #2! Nice to meet ya! Thank you!

What if I changed the third verse to this?

Passed here once in my grandpa’s truck
Back when I was eight
Not a cloud’s gone by in that warm blue sky
Wish *my heart* could say the same

Does it work?

yeah,i think it works Lex,if it's your heart only.I noticed in the other verse you use "I",i think though if you use "I" it speaks of you as a whole and not just something going on with your heart only.Personally i perfer "I".Mike

Not sure I like that added verse Lex..it is too nostalgic and your wish for your heart to be the same is not in keeping with the rebellious nature of the singer.

I'm all for going for broke and flaming out somewhat, but better off for it, then coming to that great set of lines

We can all fall down right now if we want
Let them find us when we’re too far gone
Yeah

John - thank you for pointing that out, hadn't looked at it that way! What if I kept the first two lines and then wrote the second two about feeling free and happy like back then? So it gives more reason to why they're all running away. I can't really think how else to add to the story. I do feel like I want it to have a hint of nostalgia (sorta Tom Petty style, ya know?), but obviously not too much, as you said.

Okay, how about

Passed here once in my grandpa’s truck
Back when I was eight
*I was telling him how I’d never want out -
How things change*

Mmmmm I now better understand you want to equate the carefree happiness of an eight year old out for a drive with Grandpa with the carefree happiness you feel as a rebel...

So yeah, you could change those last two lines, maybe something like this??

Passed this way in my grandpa’s truck
Back when I was eight
I'm riding high again, in the clouds on the wind
And not feeling any weight

Which leads nicely into those two lines I mentioned..

I like the eight and change near rhyme, and the idea works with the theme, but I'm not sure it ties neatly into those two lines...

Hmm... how about

I laughed when he said I'd wanna leave someday
How things change

That works for me Lex...ties things together very neatly

1) places you back in a nostalgic time\place for contrast
2) reinforces the rebel theme
3) ties into those two lines

AND it has the near rhyme you are looking for.

Hope I can hear it soon.

Thanks I'll try record it now

So it now looks like this?? Revised for final edit

Kerouac
© 2012 Lex Rose


It’s a good few hours from our small town
To the edge of the world
We’re kicking dust in the face of the sun
Flying south like birds

A handful of rebels that ain’t gonna settle
This side of judgement day
We had to hit that highway hard
Cause it’s been cursing our names

Wild eyes, truck tyres, ding dong ditch on heaven’s door
From now, tonight, we’re all we couldn’t be before
We run away like sinners on holy ground
A sweet escape, doing Kerouac proud

Passed here once in my grandpa’s truck
Back when I was eight
I cried when he said I'd have to fly someday
How things change

We can all fall down right now if we want
Let them find us when we’re too far gone
Yeah

Wild eyes, truck tyres, ding dong ditch on heaven’s door
From now, tonight, we’re all we couldn’t be before
We run away like sinners on holy ground
A sweet escape, doing Kerouac proud

Wild eyes, truck tyres, ding dong ditch on heaven’s door
From now, tonight, we’re all we couldn’t be before
We run away like sinners on holy ground
A sweet escape, doing Kerouac proud
Doing Kerouac proud
Doing Kerouac proud

Actually how about this - looked at the verse as a whole and saw that "I laughed when he said I'd wanna leave someday" could potentially be misinterpreted as leave that place that they passed :S

"Cried when he said I’d leave home someday
How things change"

Yup, you're right...

I was also thinking laugh might be too much, but only because I thought "smiled" was a bit softer and more reflective somehow...with a lot more going on inside than pure humour...

Not that your suggestion does not work...but how's about

I smiled when he said I'd want to fly someday

Because flying would be more "dreaming of the impossible" and hints at "letting go" and smile would hint at the inner reflection..and it ties back into hitting the ground

Not sure about smiled, just because most 8 year olds aren't that reflective and mature in my experience! I remember when I was little, my mother saying I'd have to leave home one day and I always cried.

"Frowned when he said I'd want to fly someday" maybe?

Not sure about frowned, but I agree smiled is definitely out...it is the rare 8 year old who would smile reflectively...

So maybe

Teared up
Choked up


something "near crying" ???

I've decided to go with
"Cried when he said I'd want to fly someday"
just because it feels most natural to me.

Thanks for your helpful suggestions John!

Glad I was able to help you reach a bit deeper here Lex.

Now only one more change...use "have to fly" instead of "want to fly" ....kinda like your mother said

Best wishes atcha for this one.

Nice one John, that works, thanks

I bought this girl's album. Lol. I thought she was good for her age and had a unique voice.

It's likely she is married with three kids and working as a nurse these days.

Was impressed