Hi Donna,

Lots of good ideas from folks. I only have a couple of nits myself, repeats of some of the above. Mainly, lines that just don't ring true:

"Still rigid with the shock". I wouldn't think so after 10 years. Either shorten the time frame or find another way to say he's in emotional pain.

"He goes downstairs to sit by the phone
Drinks from the bottle when he thinks he’s alone
Sometimes he sings
...But the phone never rings" I think if he drinks a lot, he's more apt to make a drunken call than to just sit there, but again, after 10 years, it isn't as plausible.

A really dark story and overall, I think it's a well written one. I hear a slow, bluesy melody, a little wailing guitar, mournful sax, the usual suspects!

Ricki

http://www.soundclick.com/rickib
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One door closes, another opens