JPF Home Page Forums Week 51 MP3/Lyric Pick: "The Memory Police"

(Posting first, then reading the other responses):

I think what this lyric needs most is focus, and a stripping down of excess information and words.

“The Memory Police” is a metaphor you are only using at the end of the chorus – “arrested” (stopped cold) by the memory police. In other words, he thinks about moving forward with his life, but he’s detained (maybe for questioning?) by the memory police. Other than the end of the chorus this idea isn’t developed at all and it’s a weakness because we’re sitting wondering how the title fits into it, or ties it all together.

You might want to work “memory police” into a verse early on, signaling it to us, so it clicks in better when the chorus rolls around.

I think verse 2 is unnecessary. You’re not telling us anything new – we already got that he’s depressed and lonely and he drinks. The detail about him being a visual artist does not reflect on anything else in the song. Maybe he is always drawing pictures of her? Or them? But you could really take that out and bring up verse 3 and the whole thing would be tighter (or give you room to develop your title a bit more). You’d have to change “paintbrush” in the first verse but there are a thousand things you could put there.

(And if he’s an artist, why does he sometimes sing?)

I don’t know what rhythm you’re after, but a song like this would benefit from starker language. Look at the first verse. Just by taking out extraneous words you could have this:

Third-floor room
Second-rate house
Now it's his home
Never been worse
Hunched at the table
Edge of his chair
Stares at a paintbrush
Hands in his hair

You need fewer words per line in a song. Our ear fills in the “the”s and other filler words.

You’re creating a mood piece without much plot, and there’s no movement in the song. It would be more interesting if something happened, even if it were just in his mind. Some sort of change or decision.

Best of luck to you.