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Florida
by bennash - 06/07/26 09:34 PM
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
Waal, I'll let the "house/worse" slant-rhyme slide...& overall I like the Description of the Alcoholic Artist's Struggles...BUT.."The Memory Police" NEVER get Described ONCE in this piece.
So..in spite of some elegant Lines & Great Couplets like the Bottle Breakup...it still leaves this Ol' Listener scratchin' his head. BECAUSE I'd assume the Artist IS trying to "Arrest" some Bad Memories WITH his Booze. WHICH clashes with The Chorus's Conclusion.
Opening Couplet also kinda-confuses, tho it's artsy...as-has-been-already-mentioned. "Staring at a paintbrush" felt vague...early-on...tho yep, we're later told he's "..a freelance artist." Perhaps it'd suck me in better-earlier if "paintbrush" was replaced by "Staring at HIS ARTWORK"...
Chorus: It's not what I'd call a "Grabber"...lemmie see...
Ten Years Divorced/ Still feelin' Attacked/ The Memory Police..They Keep Marchin' Back/ Linin' Up Her Face..so He Can't Forget/ The Mistakes that He Made, That Rap Sheet of Regrets/ No Where To Run..No Where to Hide/ From the Memory Police..Inside--
I'd Chorus-Again after V2...
Bridge Sug: He SNEAKS downstairs to sit by the phone JOINS Johnny Walker WHEN HE FEELS ALONE He HATES TO THINK WHILE the phone never rings...
Last Verse is a Dandy.
&..New Chorus-Out.
That's all I can think of...Keep-or-Sweepit. Some Overall Good Writing, that JMO needed a bit More.
Good Luck with it, & Congrats on Bein' Picked this week, Mz DonnaM!
Big Hugs, Stan
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