JPF Home Page Forums Week 51 MP3/Lyric Pick: "The Memory Police"

Hi Folks,

This week's pick by Harriet Schock for the Mentor Critique is Donna Devines's "The Memory Police." She will be posting her critique on Thursday night, so starting now we'd like to get all of your critiques on this. Remember, lyrics/mp3's are not chosen on what is best or worst, but rather what will make for an interesting educational discussion of what was done well, what can be improved and basic building blocks for writing strong lyrics and songs. Please jump in and then once Harriet posts, see if you noticed the same points.

Thanks again to Harriet and everyone who has already participated. If you didn't get chosen (or didn't enter) and would still like a Professional Critique by Harriet Schock, or take a class in person or one of her on-line courses, please check her website at http://www.harrietschock.com.

For now, let's hear your thoughts on Donna's entry! Remember that Donna should not post a response until AFTER Harriet posts her critique.
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The Memory Police

(v1)
A third-floor room
In a second-rate house
Now it's his home
And it's never been worse
He's hunched at the table
On the edge of his chair
Staring at a paintbrush
His hands in his hair

Chorus
Ten years divorced
Still rigid with the shock
He clutches Johnny Walker to his chest
Maybe he hopes the bottle will block
The memory police from making an arrest

(v2)
Creating beauty
For a modest fee
He's a freelance artist
With an alcohol need
Enough just to get him
Through a dark winter night
When the past creeps in
And turns on the light

Bridge
He goes downstairs to sit by the phone
Drinks from the bottle when he thinks he’s alone
Sometimes he sings
...But the phone never rings

(v3)
The bottle or the breakup
Not clear what came first
Once he hungered for love
Now he lives for his thirst
The laughter of a child
And the touch of a wife
Are remnants of a dream
At the edge of his life

Chorus
Ten years divorced
Still rigid with the shock
He clutches Johnny Walker to his chest
Maybe he’s hoping the bottle will block
The memory police from making an arrest

© D.Devine 2008