JPF Home Page Forums Week 51 MP3/Lyric Pick: "The Memory Police"

I'm guessing your "memory police" are those little devils...I mean, NO, not devils... quite the opposite, in fact... that sometimes appear at inopportune times. I wrote a short story a few years ago (in high school), wherein the nemesis of the principle was named Phaledon. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had lifted the idea from Poe's Telltale Heart, though the storylines were very different. They both relied on the conscience of the narrator to drive the tale. So he is trying to keep his conscience mollified with alcohol?

Maybe it is the Poe thing, but I wish you had gone a little deeper into his tortured soul, though what you have is well written, for sure.

A third-floor room
In a second-rate house (Rather large dwelling for what I perceive as a starving artist; or is he in some sort of home. Probably is, since, in the bridge, you mention his drinking when he "thinks he's alone." Somehow, I find that a bit of a distraction. DEtraction, actually, for it diminishes the idea of the memory police, in that he (supposedly) drinks to keep them at bay.)
Now it's his home (HIS home? So he IS living there alone?)

And it's never been worse (you might consider saying "And it keeps getting worse" to had to the gloominess)
He's hunched at the table (He's an artist...why not "hunched at the easel")
On the edge of his chair
Staring at a paintbrush
His hands in his hair (Excellent visual, otherwise)
Chorus
Ten years divorced
Still rigid with the shock (Not an effective line, IMO. Could even be interpreted naughtily! <G>)
He clutches Johnny Walker to his chest
Maybe he hopes the bottle will block (Maybe reverse these 2 lines to give JW a more personal touch)
The memory police from making an arrest

(v2)
Creating beauty
For a modest fee (I'm trying to picture his patrons...who would solicit an artist, living in a very large, probably creepily ancient house, likely on haunted hill
He's a freelance artist
With an alcohol need
Enough just to get him (Wish this were more desperate, though I'm sure you mean it ... that he ONLY needs a minimal amount ... from his perspective.)
Through a dark winter night
When the past creeps in
And turns on the light (Nice image!)
Bridge
He goes downstairs to sit by the phone
Drinks from the bottle when he thinks he’s alone
Sometimes he sings
...But the phone never rings (I think most people in this situation (inebriated) would MAKE calls, rather than simply sit by the phone awaiting one that never comes, especially when it might be those guys! Anyway, I'm way overthinking this...blame it on Poe...but..wouldn't customers call sometimes?)
(v3)
The bottle or the breakup
Not clear what came first (Keen insight)
Once he hungered for love
Now he lives for his thirst (Yes!)
The laughter of a child
And the touch of a wife
Are remnants of a dream
At the edge of his life (I like this a bunch. Best verse of the 3.)

I know Ms. Schock will have advice that can actually HELP, and I feel sure this will turn into something really strong. Has all the makings, I think.
Ev