Originally Posted by Ian Ferrin
It's a nice song Kim. Well thought out and crafted. It's a very pleasant sounding demo you have. The production is appealing.

Thanks!!
I'm not sure it's all that commercial. Datsun's weren't terribly 'sexy' back then, and I'm not sure they're much more 'sexy' as classic cars. Also, I personally have no knowledge of either the 'honeybee' or the 'b210' so those names don't evoke anything in me as a listener. It may not, I wrote it back when it was a challenge to write about a car in a contest..and I thought about using it because I grew up around one..no they are not sexy, yet then again, kids, teens, back then would have been able to afford that..so, that is the reason...and I felt honeybee could have two meanings...his girl and his car..but something to think about for sure

V2 is a lot better than V1 lyrically IMO. It's got great images. V1's just sort of setting the scene. It needs some work to set the scene AND be more evocative.

Melodically, I think in line 5 of the verses you need to pick up the energy. Right now line 5 goes to the same spot, energy-wise, as lines 1 and 3. You need a bit of a pre-chorus at that spot. At least that's what I'm hearing. ok, thanks, I will tell my co-writer, we will discuss itSorry, I'm sure you're not excited by this, but I know you're trying to write commercially, and it's in that vein I'm offering this.

It's a nice, solid tune IMO, but needs some work to be commercial.

Peace,

Ian


Thanks Ian, I appreciate your time and advice.

smile

*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
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