Michelle,

I think you have a great one here!
I love the lyrics, and the music sounds just right for this.

To sharpen it up a little, I would take out the instrumental section, and use the tag as a bridge in between two choruses in the end, so it adhere's more to commercial song form. I think it can be done without re-recording, by anyone with a DAW (like Sonar, Cubase, Logic, Pro Tools etc..).

You need to be conservative with song form as a upcoming writer, to be accepted by the publishers.

But the song is great, for sure. Great job!