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<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Michael Thomas:
Not sure what this has to do with anything, but I always had a fondness for Fat Man In The Bathtub. And this one kinda reminds me of another oldie called Fool On A Hill. Got that same outside lookin' in feeling to it.

I like it.

I hate to come off sounding PC (nod to Harriet), but FAT just may be tossed around a few too many times here. Understatement might take it a little further. First line might just be enough. You've shocked your audience, and drawn them in at the same time. No need to say it again. It's now stuck in their heads.

That said, I'd delete all the other FATs, come up with another way of looking at it. And I'd also consider cutting some of the HEs at the beginning of so many of the lines. Pronoun abuse. You don't need 'em all. Audience can keep track.

IMO. Then again, I've been known to be a little fatheaded at times! </font>


Michael, good points about pronoun abuse and too many FAT's. I'm not sure if I want to suggest that my friend to remove them because I think that using FAT a few times kind of latently drives the point home of how many times the guy has heard the term IMO. It's something worth considering though.

Thanks for your input...

Van

Van Borden
a.k.a. Buzz Grudge