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<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by 9ne:
There are some good things here-I particularly like the third verse; it shows he has spunk. Saying "brilliant" must refer to the sentiment expressed, not the actual craftsmanship. A lyric should flow; be a natural progression. Cohesive, clear and focussed.When he says "damn it", he doesn't sound resigned like the rest of the lyric. Speaking of resigned, "Resigning himself to his fate" implies that he's about to eat a plateful, which doesn't jive with the next line.
Why is he walking faster? He doesn't wonder why, or how he got this way -he knows exactly.

Being the title, one would think "Tall and Thin" would be in the power position (last line) Actually "Tall and Thin" is a poor choice because this isn't about that. Some of the rhymes seem simple and obvious-more interesting choices could have been made.
There are many more things that need work here.
It appears to me that the NSAI group was insightful, helpful, and right on the money. Step back and look at criticism objectively.

P.S. You can't condemn people for judging fat people. All people are judged at first glance. If a punk loaded with tatoos and facial metal comes into your store-you get a first impression, getting to know him may alter or confirm that. You have to EARN respect. Again some good ideas here; needs work. Best of luck!


[This message has been edited by 9ne (edited 06-24-2004).]</font>


9ne, I thank you for your input and I can appreciate your points but I respectfully disagree with most of them.

The difference between your critique and the ones I got from my NSAI group is like night and day. You approached it from a position of craftsmanship not that the "fat slob must have a redeeming quality or he's just another fat slob." This is a huge distinction.

He was walking faster to avoid contact with others. It's implied, kind of a show me, don't tell me thing. I like songs that allow you to take a line and think it through for yourself. Yes, he knows why he's fat but he also wonders how he let it happen. It's more a rhetorical question that he's asking himself in frustration.

He doesn't say "damn it." He's actually saying, "I wasn't always this damn fat." That is angst, not spunk. It's about the frustration he feels over letting himself go, not that he's suddenly going on a diet and starting to excercise. This is further supported by the earlier line about resigning himself to his fate. He's giving in to his depression, not getting better.

You are right that we judge others at first glance. The question is why? It's just the nature of how we are but the brilliance of this lyric is that someone who is willing to really examine what is being said, should be asking him/herself why so many of us judge appearance? It's not coming out and condemming in so many words. It's just stating things about this one man's life and the fact that he probably dislikes himself a lot more than those who judge him without knowing him.

That's an awful lot to put into words in a 3-4 minute song but I truly believe most people will get it. Of course that doesn't mean that it'll be a hit song or that any publisher would want it. It just asks the listener to take a look at this one man and hopefully they'll consider what he goes through before they judge him. This song is not going to get through to those who have no empathy for the weaknesses of others.

On another note... What I find frustrating about the NSAI group is that they often want details in the lyric that are not relevant to the song. For example, I sent the NSAI critique service a song about an older woman who could be pretty much anybody on the street and it tells a bit about how she lost her husband but still dreams about going dancing with him. She's lonely and has lived a hard life but what did the guy doing the critique ask? He wanted to know how her husband died. Why is that relevant at all? He could have died any number of ways but the only thing important is that he died and she's alone and she dreams about the times they were together. Who the hell cares why he died?

I agree that a lyric needs to be clear and concise which is why it doesn't need to get bogged down in pointless detail. But also, IMO, a lyric should bring pictures of things in your own mind and allow you to fill in the blanks with whatever makes the story work for you. No need to get stuck on irrelevant points.

I realize that in order to be "radio friendly" a lot of people want the story spelled out for them. I personally like lyrics that make me think. In other words, show me don't tell me. And of course, these particular lyrics are not going to make everyone think the same way. That's okay with me. I know every song is not going to appeal to everyone and the same song is not going to evoke the same emotions from everyone who hears it. The good part of that is that somebody out there is bound to like it.

thanks again for your input and your approach to the critique.

Van

Van Borden
a.k.a. Buzz Grudge