Dear Lucian,

I was attracted to this song by the unique imagery of the title. Then I liked the interesting rhythmic patterns of the melody and the way you paid off on the title image. Good song!

My main suggestion for this is to consider deleting the first half of your chorus. I feel that the subject matter of the card game is off the point of the title. It wanders melodically, too. I tried fast-forwarding over that part and going straight to the second half (You laughed at me…) and got Pete to listen, too. He thought it was a good idea. You never know until you try it.

Coming from a country music perspective, I usually want to know exactly what everything means in a lyric. But, in this one, I’m happy to go along with the flow, knowing the general gist of the message. Not that most of it isn’t crystal clear! Strong images. It’s a more complicated version of “Cry Me A River.” And don’t you wish you wrote that song? It’s been making money for Arthur Hamilton for 50 years.

Very catchy melody and rhythm. I like the rhythmic variations in the different parts of the structure. If you decide to try the idea of eliminating the first half of the chorus, you may want to make some adjustments to the shortened version of the chorus to make it stand out from the verses more. Longer, higher notes?

I’m going to put some notes in the lyric

Verse 1
Why do we play this crazy game? - good opening line! We know right off there’s trouble in a relationship.
It all seems pre-determined to be played in vain. – pre-determined is a 50 cent word, but fits the tone of this song well.
The Moon's been in my sight but I held fire on the gun – I don’t really know what this means but I feel like the moon could be a reference to a female, and I’m not sure what the last half of the line means, but I’m willing to go along with it because it’s such a strong image.

I play for higher stakes
The Moon won't change my fate
So I'm shooting for the Sun – I’m not exactly sure what this means. Neither am I feeling totally lost. I’m just riding the melody and the rhythm and it feels good.

Verse 2
You think I lay here dead and a beaten man
But great will hides in the shifting, winding sands
It drifts along, buried growing ever strong – Powerful lyrics! Poetic.

Though I'm quite bitter
I never was a quitter
And my moment's yet to come – I like the alternation of poetic and very straightforward language.

Chorus
I never had a Heart – This is the part I’d omit if this were my song.
Got me a hand of Spades
But I'm without the Queen
Well hell I'll bleed her out with my friggin' ace
And I will be a King, just for a day or maybe more – I don’t know where the card-game images are coming from, This is a song about shooting the sun.

You laughed at me and said I'd – I like these four lines as a nice, short, but strong chorus.
Never be no-one
Now you're laughing in the dark
Cos I just shot the Sun!

Verse 3
How does feel, friend, to be trod upon?
And my foot treads lightly 'cos I remember where I came from
You'll never quite know the pain of the cast aside – I admire the way each line is a complete thought. Cool images.

So don't choke on your pill
The ride is in the thrill
And I will see you in another life – Not sure what this means, but I’m thrilling on the ride.

Chorus – (four lines)

Though I'm quite bitter
I never was quitter
And I waited for my time to come

I took a knock or two
But I stayed firm and true
And I went and aimed that gun

And I pulled back the trigger
As I heard one last snigger
And then I just shot the Sun! – I wish I could hear those four lines again here. How would it sound if you did a partial lift here and then put the chorus after it – like this:

And I pulled back the trigger
As I heard one last snigger

Yeah, You laughed at me and said I'd
Never be no-one
Now you're laughing in the dark
Cos I just shot the Sun!

I think the snigger line leads nicely into that. And then we could hear the chorus again.

Good work! I really enjoyed this song. It shows a high level of creativity.

Write On!

Pat Luboff
http://www.writesongs.com

P.S.: I like to do my comments before I read the others'. I see some people have taken the trouble to figure out what "shoot the moon" means and that it has something to do with a card game. I guess this is a case where ignorance is bliss, because that went right over my head and I took the image of "shooting the sun" at face value (hmmm...a card game idiom). I just liked the power of the thought of being able to make it dark by shooting the sun.