Hi Lucian,

After many attempts to comment I have come to the conclusion that I don't think I "get it". My first thought is that it's simply an "I've been down so long, got nothing left to lose so I may as well go for it" song, whatever "it" may be. But there are so many images and metaphors, there may very well be more going on that I will not know about unless you tell me.

So, without fully understanding what you're saying, I'm reduced to suggestions on how to say whatever it is you're saying in a more streamlined manner. This is something you should do throughout the whole song, whether or not you choose to change the format. Big Jim had some good organizational ideas. For example, V1 second line could be like this:

"It's pre-determined and played in vain"

The first part of V2 may sing better like this:

"You think I lay here a beaten man (you're obviously not dead)
But great will hides in the shifting sands (sand doesn't wind)
It drifts along, growing ever stronger" (if it's drifting it can't be buried)
Although, I'm not sure that shifting sand grows stronger as it drifts so I'm not sold on this metaphor.

There is such an urgency in your songs and in your delivery, a lot of energy and soul. I think that's a good thing. You may not want to make your message obvious for block heads such as myself, but making the lyric more accessible, along with the other stuff will, I think, take your songs to the next level.
Whatever else you do, keep writing.

Ricki

http://www.soundclick.com/rickib
http://soundcloud.com/rickib
http://www.stoneybeachmusic.com/index.html

One door closes, another opens