JPF Home Page Forums Week 46 MP3/Lyric Pick: "I Just Shot The Sun"

Hi Folks,

This week's pick by Pat Luboff for the Mentor Critique is Lucian Shepherd and C. Hussey's "I Just Shot The Sun." She will be posting her critique on Tuesday this week to give folks more time to repond, so starting now we'd like to get all of your critiques on this. Remember, lyrics/mp3's are not chosen on what is best or worst, but rather what will make for an interesting educational discussion of what was done well, what can be improved and basic building blocks for writing strong lyrics and songs. Please jump in and then once Pat posts, see if you noticed the same points.

Thanks again to Pat and everyone who has already participated. If you didn't get chosen (or didn't enter) and would still like a Professional Critique by Pat Luboff, please check her website at http://www.writesongs.com/.

For now, let's hear your thoughts on Shepherd and Hussey's entry! Remember that they should not post a response until AFTER Pat posts her critique. Pat should be posting her thoughts on Sunday night.
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I Just Shot the Sun - Words & Music (c) Lucian Shepherd and C. Hussey 2008/9

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7223748

Verse 1
Why do we play this crazy game?
It all seems pre-determined to be played in vain.
The Moon's been in my sight but I held fire on the gun

I play for higher stakes
The Moon won't change my fate
So I'm shooting for the Sun

Verse 2
You think I lay here dead and a beaten man
But great will hides in the shifting, winding sands
It drifts along, buried growing ever strong

Though I'm quite bitter
I never was a quitter
And my moment's yet to come

Chorus
I never had a Heart
Got me a hand of Spades
But I'm without the Queen
Well hell I'll bleed her out with my friggin' ace
And I will be a King, just for a day or maybe more

You laughed at me and said I'd
Never be no-one
Now you're laughing in the dark
Cos I just shot the Sun!

Verse 3
How does feel, friend, to be trod upon?
And my foot treads lightly 'cos I remember where I came from
You'll never quite know the pain of the cast aside

So don't choke on your pill
The ride is in the thrill
And I will see you in another life

Chorus

Though I'm quite bitter
I never was quitter
And I waited for my time to come

I took a knock or two
But I stayed firm and true
And I went and aimed that gun

And I pulled back the trigger
As I heard one last snigger
And then I just shot the Sun!