JPF Home Page Forums Week 46 MP3/Lyric Pick: "I Just Shot The Sun"

I disagree with the knocked off "Like a rolling stone" comment. This song does have some early Dylanesque moments but it stands apart. With a different arrangement it could be a very good contemporary rock anthem song. There are a few issues that should be addressed however.

Lyrically it needs a bit of trimming and tidying up as some lines are a bit cumbersome to sing. I am sure some folks will pick up on that and make suggestions.

There does not seem to be an easily followable format or structure. The verses and choruses seem to be all mixed up and confusing as does the rhyming patterns.

There is no real hook or truly memorable line however there are a number of lines that if repeated could be.

"You laughed at me and said
I'd Never be no-one
Now you're laughing in the dark
Cos I just shot the Sun!"

That could be a great chorus if repeated.

I would simplify the song format down to Verse chorus ...V ch and repeat last chorus. Something like this.

Why do we play this crazy game?
It all seems pre-determined to be played in vain.
The Moon's been in my sight but I held fire on the gun
I play for higher stakes
The Moon won't change my fate
So I'm shooting for the Sun

Chorus
You laughed at me and said I'd
Never be no-one
Now you're laughing in the dark
Cos I just shot the Sun!

You think I lay here a dead and beaten man
But great will hides in the shifting, winding sands
It drifts along, buried growing ever strong
Though I'm quite bitter
I never was a quitter
And my moment's yet to come

Chorus
You laughed at me and said I'd
Never be no-one
Now you're laughing in the dark
Cos I just shot the Sun!

How does it feel, to be trod upon?
My foot treads lightly I know where I came from
You'll never quite know the pain of the cast aside
So don't choke on your pill
The ride is in the thrill
I'll see you in another life

Chorus
You laughed at me and said I'd
Never be no-one
Now you're laughing in the dark
Cos I just shot the Sun!

Repeat Chorus.

Recording wise I do agree that the levels are a bit high and there is a lot of distortion. That is easily sorted out with a bit of practice and reducing the levels.
I also suggest that there is too much passion and this causes you to shout sometimes rather than sing. It might be a good idea just to hold something back in the performance. Nothing wrong with the melody just needs a tweak on the format and performance.
Vocally it might be an idea to record a couple of takes and select the best bits from each version into the mix.

All in all it is not a bad effort and has great potential.