Hi, Bobbie. This is a tough subject to write about in more ways than one, but you've handled it pretty well. I needed to read the critiques to understand that you're referring to two different men in this lyric. Stan is right on target when he says that listeners will expect you to be talking about one guy. I'd leave it as two men, but would make sure to mention that detail somehow in verse 1. The love/commodity lines are vague and don't add much, IMO, so you could add it in there.

Nit-wise, "crystal clear blue" is so detailed, it looks like you're stretching to fill the line, and "hardened her heart" was too vague for me to understand until I read the critiques. I really like how that chorus meters, though. Neat stuff there. And nice job overall! This is just a slight rewrite away from hitting the stage. [Linked Image]

Anthony

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