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Afro Pop
by Raymond Byabazaire - 10/01/26 12:39 PM
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Afro Pop
by Raymond Byabazaire - 10/01/26 12:38 PM
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Gone
by Michael W. Brown - 09/30/26 07:17 PM
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Mara Cole
by Gary E. Andrews - 09/30/26 01:32 PM
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,700 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
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OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,700 Likes: 2 |
OK, folks. Looking for constructive feedback on what works and what doesn’t. It’s a revised version of something I wrote a couple of years ago. I’m almost embarrassed to post it, because the pop-rock genre is so far out of my usual wheelhouse. I have a possible collaborator, but don’t want to hand him a piece of junk. My concerns: - Is the theme too heavily expressed for pop-rock? - Is the implied chronology of events too vague (i.e. man in love – woman lied – left him for someone else – man struggling to get over woman)? - Is it too wordy? - The overall metering is consistent throughout, but the rhyme scheme in the first four lines of each verse is not. Would this be problematic in the genre? - Is the lyric – or any part of it – salvageable? Or should the whole thing go into my ‘nice try but no cigar’ pile?  V1 Wherever I turn I’m back in that night When you held me close In the candlelight Your eyes were aglow But the truth was no longer in sight Pre-chorus Not my choice But I still hear your voice …Every direction is you Chorus My heart took a beating ..Now it's black and blue Bruised all over Yeah, bruised all over Bruised all over …Because of you V2 Wherever I turn I’m still in your web I can feel your breath And your mystery Your eyes were aglow But the man in your mind wasn’t me Pre-chorus Not my choice But I still hear your voice …Every direction is you Chorus My heart took a beating …Now it's black and blue Bruised all over Yeah, bruised all over Bruised all over …Because of you Bridge Oh, the day will come When your spell’s undone …I’ll meet a woman whose heart Is fierce and true …No more colours of betrayal Like the ones left behind by you Chorus My heart took a beating …Now it's black and blue Bruised all over Bruised all over My heart took a beating Now it’s black and blue Colours of betrayal …Left behind by you © 2026 Donna Devine
Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.
Life is too important to take seriously.
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