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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 136
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 136 |
Clouds arise and rain falls,clouds arise and rain falls, clouds arise and rain falls, thunder so loud, break down concrete walls-
Look at me, just a shadow, following close behind, don't tell me that I need to find another state of mind-
Been fishing but I aint caught a thing, Guess I'll see what tomorrow may bring-
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
Hi Dorsey!
The Fishing for an Audience you've done here needs More Bait...
V1 kinda instantly Bores...since it's repetitious/COULD have crammed in LOTS more interesting Data..before it FINALLY grabs us with the Thunder Couplet.
V2 brings YOU into the picture..but there's NADA tying YOU in with the Earlier Verse...&..It's kinda CONFRONTATIONAL..just Outta-The-Blue..(An Audience Turn-Off, unless Ya've better-presented Your Case..in V1..as to WHY you're ARGUING Your Case.)
V3..(GUESS It's a Verse...Does Help if Ya LABEL V's & CH's..etc.) ..waal, maybe it's a Chorus..since it's not same number of lines as other 2 obviously-Verses. It sorty Sums Up the Entire Lyric here..."Ain't caught a thing"...
BUT..give us more of a Plotline..Some Interesting Characters..and (perhaps) study-up on Typical Song Structure...& maybe Tomorrow-may-Bring us a better song.
Will take another state of mind, tho, Amigo...
Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug, Stan
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,683
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,683 |
lol sounds like me looking for a man....
but I love to fish...
glyn
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Top 30 Poster
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Top 30 Poster
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712 |
Dorsey, I have the feeling this person is fishing for something other than fish. I like it that your lyric is short. Too many long, drawn out affairs on this forum. Jim
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