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Ok I know some of this song is trite but I think the message is sweet and a few Critiques would be appreaciated specially since I also like the melody (going to have to work these out musicly so I can show people what they would sound like)

AJ: I think it's somewhat sappy and sentimental. but that's what the world needs today. I think we need some sweetness what with all the crap that's going on. I think one word needs to be changed: "And there is no love I feel THAN (not"that") the love I feel for you". Just might be a typo on your part. /Glen

Very sweet. I could get used to hearing this singer. Though I tend to be one of the toughest hearts to believe in 'sappy'. Sorry, it's just my bad side that I'm trying to improve upon. I'll keep working on it.

Now I absolutely adore this line:

"...And the song in my heart was playing on the radio..."

The rest reminds me of a guy I dated in college. He used to describe how his life was gonna be while we took long walks. It seemed so fifties that I quickly made myself too busy to date him. Ya know that tough old heart.

Vanessa


Oops, almost forgot...this is the line I don't like too much.

Your waiting there as homeward bound I am

You caught it Glen it was definitly a typo I may need some editors working for me if I ever decide to start publishing lol thanks for the critique

Thanks for the Praise and the Crit Vanessa I'll work on the Home ward bound part I guess it was influenced by Simon and Garfunkel lol

Hi ajk

Well I like this a lot...guess I'm sappy...Think that it would work better shorter, just remove the last vs and chorus repeat.....then a real catchy melody and some nice instrumental would really make this happen. Simple is good. I love the opening vs visual of the the highway lines dropping out, very real story telling.

I saw the light in your eyes and ........(would like somethig else in place of this phrase maybe)......'the waves in your hair'

Bridge
When love is real there is nothing to compare it to
(what are you saying here???) ...And there is no love I feel that the love I feel for you

think the bridge needs shortening and somethingclear, maybe use road imagery again here....just my spin. jm

HiDee AJ!

Nice Soulful Song...& putting "Radio" in the Hook is ALWAYS a Good Idea when it comes to future AIRPLAY!

Vanessa picked up on that YodaSpeak Line...DO try to make that one More Conversational...shouldn't be Too Hard!

Couplea Chorus Line Sugs:
"And the song in my heart was playing on the radio/
Slowly WHISPERING..The THINGS..I WANTED to know/
TELLING ME YOU NEEDED ME, AS I HEADED HOME/
The song in my heart was playing on the radio."

Keep-or-Sweep..tho ya owes me A Beer if ya use it..OK? ;-)>

Lem me see if I can go-for-2? Think your Bridge is "Improveable." Consider:
"There is so much loneliness while I'm on rhe road/
But I'm back in love with you when I turn on the radio?"

My Last Nit might be the Singer prolly doesn't WANNA "Sing" to her by the time we get to Verse 4. I'd just bet there's something Better he'd engage in..in Real Life..so perhaps re-write this'n a wee bit..?

Nice Job...& Good Luck with it..(Hope maybe I got an Amberbock coming Someday..heh-heh!)

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

I think I'd scrap that bridge and make one up out of the 4th verse. It's not doing what it's supposed to do.
The light in your eyes is ok, but kind of cliche. But the waves in her hair? Who says that? Oh, honey, I missed seeing the waves in your hair, while I was gone.
Yeah, if the guy is real tired and glad to be home, I can see him saying some of the rest of the stuff. But, this sort of thing is going to have to get a lot more interesting to climb to the top of all the ones before, with the same theme.

Hey AJK!

This is beautiful! I am a sucker for sappy love songs!

Here's my suggestion. I think your bridge will work, but you need to move it to after the 4th verse. If you do that, that could be the song the singer sings.

FYI - you can make changes to your initial post by going to that post and clicking on edit. That way, we can see your changes and keep up with your revisions without having to hunt through the thread for them.

Charlann

Thanks for the crits and suggs Joice Marie I appreciate them. I agree I think I was trying to hard to stetch the story out when really it was already there I think I'll drop the 4th verse and work on the bridge.

Hey Stan Thanks for the suggs and you just might get the Amberbock Because seeing as how the Chorus is the "Heart" of a song and you totally reworked it for me I might just owe you a case lol. Wanna help me pitch this one? lol j/k Maybe someday I'll be there but I wanna hone my skills a little more first Thanks again Big-Guy Hugs to you to!

Ok marlene I dropped the 4th verse completley and totally revamped the Bridge but I sa afraid I can't can it completly I still like the idea of Comparing love butI dropped the real part for true and it added a neat rhyming scheme. Thanks for the crits and suggs and If it needs it I'll keep working on it.

Thanks for suggs Charlann I totaly dropped the last verse was filler not really necessary put the bridge at the end with the Chorus to follow and I revamped the Vs a little as well.

Thanks Vanessa for the Sugg about dropping thhe Homeward bound part it helped I think between you snd tampa stan and Joice and all the others this one might just fly thanks all!

Ok everyone this one has been reworked what do ya'll think?

Much better, let's hear it. Ok, now it's totally uncluttered with over the top stuff. It sounds more poignant to me now. I think I like it. But I'll know when I hear it.

little nit:

And as I LISTENED, my eyes filled with tears

That will keep you from having 3 variations of the word "heard/hear" in a row. You'll have, listen, heard,hear, LISTENED in a row. Instead of, "listen, heard, hear, heard" in a row. JMO.

Vanessa

Now your puttin the pressure on lol so lets see gotta arrange sing play my my my i'll be busy my entire weekend lol On a different note I sent a take 3 for pieces of yesterday but it recorded the lead part and left off the lyric part you can still somewhat hear it but it's also only on the left apeaker (sighs) oh well will try again tommorow. Thanks for the sugg on this one will change that piece and check my melody on this one and see how it's sounding.

NO hurry. I just can't always tell till I hear it. Just record a scratch vocal and save it till you have time. LOL.

Vanessa

Ok will do but can't here I am at work no micrphone or speakers. I'll just keep humming it all night and maybe I'll still remember it by morning.

If it's a good melody you'll remember it.

Yeah your right I've only been singing it to myself for the last 3 nights lol

Hey Derek!

Yes! The revision is great! Can't wait to hear it now!

Charlann

The song in my heart was playing on the radio

1st verse
The lines on the freeway, began to fade
As I saw the city limit sign, the radio played
I looked forward far enough, just to see
Our house on the hillside, waiting for me

2nd verse
I’d been listening to the radio, on my drive
Heard a song about loving, and being alive
That was the song, I needed to hear
And as I listened, my eyes filled with tears

Chorus
The song in my heart, was playing on the radio
Whispering to me the things, I Wanted to know
you've been longing for me, to be with you at home
And the song in my heart was playing on the radio

3rd verse
I pulled into the driveway, and you met me there
I saw the love in your eyes, as I held you near
It's such joy to be alive, and home with you now
If there’s a way to be in love, this must be how

Chorus
The song in my heart, was playing on the radio
Whispering to me the things, I Wanted to know
you've been longing for me, to be with you at home
The song in my heart was playing on the radio

Bridge
When love is this true
what can I compare it to?
I don't know of a love more true
Than the love I'm feeling for you

Chorus

The song in my heart, was playing on the radio
Whispering to me the things, I Wanted to know
you've been longing for me, to be with you at home
And the song in my heart was playing on the radio

Copyright 2007 Derek Hines All rights Reserved





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