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Note: This link is the latest take:
Whatever - Paul Churchfield

Whatever I did
Whataver I said
Whatever it was that made you wanna stay away

Whatever you feel
I know that it's real
And if you wanna talk to me I'll be right here

From the bottom of my heart I love you
And I never wanna be apart from you
I been trying everything I can to reach you
Cause I miss you in my life

Instrumental Solo

From the bottom of my heart I love you
And I never wanna be apart from you
I been trying everything I can to reach you
Cause I miss you in my life

https://paulchurchfieldmusic.blogspot.com/2023/04/whatever.html

One of my go-to Editorial suggestions is to delete 'And' and 'Cause' (and 'But') at the beginning of Lines of Lyric.

I think, in singing this, you do that. I don't actually hear those words. Eliminating them 'unclutters' the Line in the mouth of the singer, a significant nano-second of space to breath instead of having to fit that 'opener', 'explainer' word in there.

'And' is especially egregious, as singers fail to enunciate the 'a', leaving 'nd' to slur into the next word, often obscuring its meaning. Obscure a word and a whole Line may not 'work', communicating the intended phrase to the listener. If that Line fails the whole Stanza may fail, and listener may begin to drift off to their own thoughts instead of continuing to listen for yours.

Lines often 'read' the same without the 'connectors' And/But/'Cause. Writers employ them to connect thoughts from Line to Line, but listeners 'get' the connection without the connector.

Listen and see if you actually pronounce those words or if they're 'whispered' and listeners are not likely to actually hear them.
Sing it without them and see if it 'works' without them.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Great comments.
I actually pondered dropping those ands. They do seem to muddy up the articulation.

The only reason I kept them was because (sadly) that is how I actually talk. So, it was conversational. I think I might just try a recording sans ands. Update soon.

Question: Are you saying that my line that starts with Cause would be better with Because, or scrap the whole word?


Thanks again!

What a fine listen.............great song.
Love it!
Top shelf stuff, Paul.

Loved the intro Paul,charming is an old fashioned word now but I think it's appropriate here.
Nice song.
John

Thank you John.
I appreciate it.

I do plan on doing another vocal without the ands and cause, as Gary suggested. Just need to find the time, maybe today.
I think it would be an improvement.
I am also pondering a bridge but it depends on what the next chapter of the story is I guess.
Happy, sad, or ironic, all of these would benefit from a bridge... idk

Here is a new take, with ands and cause removed per Gary's suggestion. I like it

Whatever - Paul Churchfield

Whatever I did
Whataver I said
Whatever it was that made you wanna stay away

Whatever you feel
I know that it's real
If you wanna talk to me I'll be right here

From the bottom of my heart I love you
I never wanna be apart from you
I been trying everything I can to reach you
I miss you in my life

Instrumental Solo

From the bottom of my heart I love you
I never wanna be apart from you
I been trying everything I can to reach you
I miss you in my life

https://paulchurchfieldmusic.blogspot.com/2023/04/whatever.html

Paul,

What a sweet melody and song. It oozes with tenderness and your soft mellow vocals fit well. I didn't hear the original version, but yes sometimes phrasing more "fragmented" is more effective than how we talk. I had one idea/sug that if you are interested in experimenting with to try. I think given your intro and solo as is which is beautiful, your "outro" would have more power and identity if you hummed the melody along with the music. That IMO would take the song out more personal & tenderly--use or lose.

Nicely done,

steady-eddie

Here is a new take, with humming on the outro per Eddie's suggestion. I like it

Whatever - Paul Churchfield w/humming on outro

Thank you for listening and for your feedback Eddie!
I really appreciate it.

'Because/'cause' is a 'connector' word, connecting the Line before, 'explaining' the reason for the thought in that previous Line.

It doesn't need 'connecting', 'explaining'. The Line reads the same in its significance to the other Lines in the Chorus without 'cause/because'.
The listener doesn't need it to get that 'connection'. It is apparent that the thought in Line 4 is akin to the thoughts in Lines 1, 2 and 3.

First Draft
From the bottom of my heart I love you
And I never wanna be apart from you
I been trying everything I can to reach you
Cause I miss you in my life

Second Draft
From the bottom of my heart I love you
I never wanna be apart from you
I been trying everything I can to reach you
I miss you in my life

Now consider your 'Structure'.
Verse I
Which might be counted as the first six Lines. The two 'Stanzas' comprise Verse I.
Or, a Songwriter might consider them as two 3-Line Verses, Verse I and Verse II.
However you comprehend them is your judgment call.
They are very 'stylized', short Lines of Lyric and Melody, almost matching identically. I would expect Line 3 to be Rhymed with Line 6.

Whatever I did
Whatever I said
Whatever it was that made you wanna stay away (The 'a' vowel in Line 3 could find a 'Hard Rhyme' for Line 6.)

Whatever you feel
I know that it's real
If you wanna talk to me I'll be right here

(Rhyme is a 'tool' for making a Lyric 'memorable' to the listener. Nursery Rhymes employ it for children with limited vocabulary, enabling them to get the Rhyming sounds, the enunciation of words they don't know, hitting the beat, the Rhythm of the Rhyme. Memorability is a desired condition for a Song. If they remember the words you may get them singing along, by the end, and 'earworm' hearing it and singing it after the Song ends.)

Structure:
After those six Lines you go to the Chorus.
You get there within the first minute, about 55 seconds, which is strong. Your Introductory Movement was about 24 seconds. It could be shorter and still serve that function, 'Hooking' interest, getting them listening to see what the Intro. is, and keeping them 'Hooked' until the Verse commences. A too-long Intro. can lose a listener, who has drifted off to other thoughts by the time the Verse commences.

After the Chorus you employ an Instrumental Bridge, a variation of the sounds that came before, perhaps a Repeat of the Introductory Movement.
This 'new' or 'Repeated' component should renew listener interest, 'Re-Hook' them or sustain the 'Hook-Factor' previously established. They keep listening.

Then you Repeat the Chorus, and end at about 2:32. Nice short Song.

Another Structure would be to duplicate the 'Whatever' Stanzas, emphasizing 'Whatever' as your chosen Title. A Title is generally THE Hook, the memorable concept which summarizes the Storyline of the Lyric. It is generally in the Chorus, and the last Line of the Chorus is a strategic position, left ringing in the listener's ear as the Chorus ends. "I Miss You In My Life" could be the Title.

But 'THE Hook/Title' needs Repetition to emphasize it in the mind of the listener. A minimum of three times is recommended, and more is stronger.

You could write two more 'Whatever' Stanzas, matching the syllable count and Structure of those first six Lines.
That would emphasize 'Whatever' as the main idea.

Following those you could Repeat your Chorus, and a Coda, a final Musical Movement, to end.

You might still end at or not much more than three minutes, a nice short Song. Simplicity works well in Song.

Pretty song

Thank you again Gary. You have given me much to think about.
I really appreciate you sharing your experience and knowledge.

Thank you

Lots of changes but I assume I am listening to the latest ...very nice....

Yep, Gary's real good at parsing lyrics.

Great mood/lyric combo! Intimate, fearless.

NICE

Thanks John. Yes it's the latest. I only have one uploaded at a time.

Thank you

PAUL!!! My friend, so happy to see and hear you again!!!

I love this emotive vocal, it really makes this seem so heartfelt.
Very beautiful playing. When the electric strums come in, I would personally like to hear them more balanced with the background, sweet playing. I would think hearing them both more clearly would add the angst and mixed emotions that they convey, but that is just my opinion.

This has a beautiful sound, very relaxed and deeply felt. Very nice friend!!

Tammy

Thank you so much Tammy!
It's good to be here and to see you here as well.
Hopefully I can make it more regularly. Life has been a whirlwind for the last few years but I think the dust is finally settling.

Let me kick your feedback around and try some tweaks to the mix.
It is intended to be a solo, so should be at same level as vocal during verse imo but I will experiment.

I would also add that in my last recording I had done some lyric tweaks.. more to come...

I am thinking of changing the tense to now, instead of past.

Whatever I do
Whatever I say
Whatever it is that makes you wanna stay away

Whatever you feel
I know that it's real
And if you wanna talk with me, then that's ok

-I'm not in love with "then that's ok" (wrong tone, not contrite enough imo) but it provides the missing rhyme
idk.... still pondering this

Thanks again for listening and giving feedback!
-Paul