Hi Mark,

I really like this. It's different. You keep it on the soft side and that's nice but I think you could go stronger vocally and instrumentally especially towards the end to give contrast. Don't discount your voice Mark. I also like Brandon's voice very much but your voice works very well here. I agree about more drama in the voice to punctuate certain parts. A few thoughts..

1. "Cold angry silence" and "talking again and again" seem to conflict (you can't have silence and talking and talking) so how about in your first lift a possible idea w/the exact number of syllables for metering be:

"cold conversation" to replace cold angry silence

2. Seems like you could add one word/beat/syllable in the Chorus in two spots to fill in an awkwardness of something missing and without any difficulty. My suggestions are in paranthesis ().

You have:

CHORUS
Let's say goodbye
Don't need to make
Promises we'll just break (Promises destined to break)
Let's say goodbye
You've got to know
This ended long ago (this ended so long ago) or (this ended long long ago)
Love has run dry
So cry your last cry
And let's say goodbye

My suggestions give those lines 7 syllables each and fill in what I feel is something missing there.

3. In think in the bridge and last chorus you can begin to add more passion and in the last part (not the first part) of the final chorus come out stronger vocally and instrumentally especially w/some stronger guitar.

Very good work Mark! smile

Best,
Lynn




Last edited by Lynn Orloff; 04/02/08 06:50 PM.
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