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ASCAP & AI
by John Lawrence Schick - 06/27/26 05:17 PM
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Riot Fest
by Gary E. Andrews - 06/21/26 10:51 PM
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240 |
Hmmm...Ok...Now I'm looking closer...could just be me....but I think it needs to transition better between those two verses.....whooops..sorry....I was looking without seeing you'd identified them as verses.....when I said stanzas above...  cause ?...I'm not sure......something feels too blunt between the connection there.... To me, it needs more transitioning thoughts to get to verse two...but that would change your whole structure. should be some way to smooth out and connect the dots...w/o such an invasive treatment  what I think it needs but "Doesn't" fit...there...is something like this... It's work, work, work every day Not even sure I'm gettin' ahead Each check means more bills to pay ________________maybe something here........ until I'm dead I'm not sure what to suggest...cause you have such good alliteration going on that next line.... actually that's a good title thought in itself......Honey's Been..... hmmmmm....what if...or maybe this will springboard..... ya... each check means I can pay more bills..nope...you have first and 3rd rhyming too....so can't do that.... I'm rambling...but I am thinking....before I saw first and third rhyming.... I thought maybe....you could do something like this... Each check means I CAN pay more bills BUT ...I need some Love before I'm dead too many words...but the thought needs to be something like Just so happens...a honey Thankfully a honey And there's... a honey NOW...there's this...honey who's Not sure what to suggest B....... but wanted you to know I was thinking in case you smelled traces of smoke..... Hope that springboards ya.... H, kk Piano Melodies and Demos: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=8404Kids Music: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=6469Andy & Friends CD: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/kwwg
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