Hmmm...Ok...Now I'm looking closer...could just be me....but
I think it needs to transition better between those two
verses.....whooops..sorry....I was looking without seeing you'd
identified them as verses.....when I said stanzas above... smile

cause ?...I'm not sure......something feels
too blunt between the connection there.... To me, it needs more
transitioning thoughts to get to verse two...but that would change your whole structure. should be some way to smooth out
and connect the dots...w/o such an invasive treatment grin

what I think it needs but "Doesn't" fit...there...is something like this...

It's work, work, work every day
Not even sure I'm gettin' ahead
Each check means more bills to pay
________________maybe something here........ until I'm dead

I'm not sure what to suggest...cause you have such good
alliteration going on that next line.... actually that's a
good title thought in itself......Honey's Been.....

hmmmmm....what if...or maybe this will springboard..... ya...

each check means I can pay more bills..nope...you have first and 3rd rhyming too....so can't do that....

I'm rambling...but I am thinking....before I saw first and third rhyming.... I thought maybe....you could do something like this...

Each check means I CAN pay more bills
BUT ...I need some Love before I'm dead

too many words...but the thought needs to be something like

Just so happens...a honey
Thankfully a honey
And there's... a honey
NOW...there's this...honey who's

Not sure what to suggest B.......

but wanted you to know I was thinking in case you smelled traces of smoke.....

Hope that springboards ya....
H,
kk

Piano Melodies and Demos:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=8404
Kids Music:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=6469
Andy & Friends CD:
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/kwwg