Hey Mudgie,

Like where you're going with this 'un. Of course I hadda find a few spots to nit...being the old picker that I am. grin

Had a bit of a problem with V1 on the check line. What you mean and what you say seem to not quite connect there. Mebbe consider:
It's work, work, work every day
Not even sure I'm gettin' ahead
Each check MEANS more bills to pay
DON'T PLAN TO work until I'm dead

This HONEY'S been hittin' on me
ASKED ME why I BEEN puttin' her off *repeat BEEN for impact
Well tonight if THAT GAL AGREES
WE'RE cuttin' loose, DESPITE the cost

Time to enjoy the finer things
Like exploring the OTHER sex
'Course we could get carried away
But if we do, WELL, what the heck

Biggest problem I have with this is the switch in POV in the bridge and last verse. You go from third person (this honey's) to YOU. Whazzup with that? I realize that losing the YOU messes your rhyme scheme in the bridge...but somebody's gotta keep you honest, Mudgie.

I really like the hook here a lot.

Hugs,
Bobbie




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