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Bayside
by Gary E. Andrews - 10/19/26 10:48 PM
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 884
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 884 |
Just about perfect, Bobbie. Simplicity can leave a huge impression, if painted just right. Your storyline does just that. Some minor stuff to think about.... "shower massage" - would anyone really say that? or is the writer showing through here? "seething" - in keeping with the simplicity of the song, wouldn't simply "moving" work better? (IMO, too clever words or phrases might startle your listeners and draw them away from your story) you make a tense change halfway through the second verse, past to present with the word "can't" (some might say the "ing"s in verse 1 are present tense, but they're not...you just dropped the implied "was") "in the fragrance that softly touched my face" - hmmm. we can't actually feel fragrance touching our faces, so that doesn't ring true. I'd be more tempted with the idea of the fragrance making your heart race, and run with something along that rhyme Except for the tense slip and those 3 writer intrusions (as I call them), this is a great little heart-tugger. And deserves some music! ![[Linked Image]](http://www.justplainfolks.org/ubb/smile.gif)
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