I think you have something with potential here. The melody is pretty and the title and hook are appealing. You have received good advice above from others. A couple of other things that struck me were that:

1. It is a bit long.

2. Your voice sounds best when you sing in the lower part of your range so you may want to lower the key

3. I would not have known what it is about without the back story so you may want to revise the lyrics a bit to bring it out - maybe in verse 2. You've only got a few minutes to get people's attention so you might want to be more obvious.

4. The phrasing sounds awkward in places. Words stretched out and other words not emphasized as we would speak them.

Some of these things you would naturally fix when you do a serious production. Hope this helps. Good luck with it.

Colin

I try to critique as if you mean business.....

http://colinwardmusic.com/

http://rosewoodcreekband.com/