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OK, folks. Looking for constructive feedback on what works and what doesn’t. It’s a revised version of something I wrote a couple of years ago. I’m almost embarrassed to post it, because the pop-rock genre is so far out of my usual wheelhouse. I have a possible collaborator, but don’t want to hand him a piece of junk.
My concerns:
- Is the theme too heavily expressed for pop-rock? - Is the implied chronology of events too vague (i.e. man in love – woman lied – left him for someone else – man struggling to get over woman)? - Is it too wordy? - The overall metering is consistent throughout, but the rhyme scheme in the first four lines of each verse is not. Would this be problematic in the genre? - Is the lyric – or any part of it – salvageable? Or should the whole thing go into my ‘nice try but no cigar’ pile?
V1 Wherever I turn I’m back in that night When you held me close In the candlelight Your eyes were aglow But the truth was no longer in sight
Pre-chorus Not my choice But I still hear your voice …Every direction is you
Chorus My heart took a beating ..Now it's black and blue Bruised all over Yeah, bruised all over Bruised all over …Because of you
V2 Wherever I turn I’m still in your web I can feel your breath And your mystery Your eyes were aglow But the man in your mind wasn’t me
Pre-chorus Not my choice But I still hear your voice …Every direction is you
Chorus My heart took a beating …Now it's black and blue Bruised all over Yeah, bruised all over Bruised all over …Because of you
Bridge Oh, the day will come When your spell’s undone …I’ll meet a woman whose heart Is fierce and true …No more colours of betrayal Like the ones left behind by you
Chorus My heart took a beating …Now it's black and blue Bruised all over Bruised all over
My heart took a beating Now it’s black and blue Colours of betrayal …Left behind by you
A long time indeed! Had to smile at your mention of the structure. I know it’s a weird one. For some strange reason I can only write my lyrics vertically, with breaks at the places that sound – to me – natural. Even though I know vocalists might prefer longer, horizontal lines. One long-time collaborator in Scotland told me he always turns my vertical lines into horizontal ones for himself before he starts composing and singing.
I agree with you about the bridge, and will adjust it accordingly. About the hook: To me, the suggested change sounds too close to an image of actual physical abuse. I felt the idea of a heart being beaten up was a catchy angle.
These are probably the kinds of things you consider when you’re creating your own songs. I know you to be a good writer.
If readers feel a lyric looks silly on paper, it’s really helpful for the writer to know why, even if the reason is a minor one. Some things can easily be adjusted that aren’t dependent on the music.
Because ‘Bruised’ is intended for a collaborator, I didn’t want to Sunofy it first. Mainly because I know Suno would likely do a great job, and I’d fall in love with it. If that happened, it might bias me against anything the collaborator came up with.
Also, I want to make sure the lyric is in reasonable shape before I hand it over. Then he and I can talk about it, and whether it works for him. If it doesn’t … thank goodness there’s Suno.
Bridge took it somewhere else , works for me , I'm not a fan of the word aglow
Thanks, Ben. I'm glad you touched on 'aglow'. I've been uneasy about it myself. Might need to re-think that line.
Not sure, though, what you mean regarding the bridge. Are you saying it works for you or that it takes the lyrical idea somewhere else?
Bridge means taking story somewhere else . its does. people don't say the word aglow , easy fix..Your eyes were burning slow
Okey-doke. I agree, a bridge's function is to take things somewhere else (though still related to the narrative), and I wrote the bridge accordingly. Wanted to add a slight touch of hope with mention of the guy looking to the future.
A long time indeed! Had to smile at your mention of the structure. I know it’s a weird one. For some strange reason I can only write my lyrics vertically, with breaks at the places that sound – to me – natural. Even though I know vocalists might prefer longer, horizontal lines. One long-time collaborator in Scotland told me he always turns my vertical lines into horizontal ones for himself before he starts composing and singing.
I agree with you about the bridge, and will adjust it accordingly. About the hook: To me, the suggested change sounds too close to an image of actual physical abuse. I felt the idea of a heart being beaten up was a catchy angle.
These are probably the kinds of things you consider when you’re creating your own songs. I know you to be a good writer.
If readers feel a lyric looks silly on paper, it’s really helpful for the writer to know why, even if the reason is a minor one. Some things can easily be adjusted that aren’t dependent on the music.
Because ‘Bruised’ is intended for a collaborator, I didn’t want to Sunofy it first. Mainly because I know Suno would likely do a great job, and I’d fall in love with it. If that happened, it might bias me against anything the collaborator came up with.
Also, I want to make sure the lyric is in reasonable shape before I hand it over. Then he and I can talk about it, and whether it works for him. If it doesn’t … thank goodness there’s Suno.
** Well for example, if I read "aint' goin down til the sun comes up" I would have thought it was a dang novel LOL.... Same thing if I read a very short lyric, I can't make sense unless I hear the music.
Bridge took it somewhere else , works for me , I'm not a fan of the word aglow
Thanks, Ben. I'm glad you touched on 'aglow'. I've been uneasy about it myself. Might need to re-think that line.
Not sure, though, what you mean regarding the bridge. Are you saying it works for you or that it takes the lyrical idea somewhere else?
Bridge means taking story somewhere else . its does. people don't say the word aglow , easy fix..Your eyes were burning slow
Okey-doke. I agree, a bridge's function is to take things somewhere else (though still related to the narrative), and I wrote the bridge accordingly. Wanted to add a slight touch of hope with mention of the guy looking to the future.
Country music is conversational language, it's not much on poetry . Though some dance pretty close to it like Kill a word
Last edited by bennash; 01/05/2611:25 AM.
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