JPF Home Page Forums Week 56 MP3/Lyric Pick "Faded Blue"

Hi Gordon:

Congrats on having your lyric selected for an in-depth critique. I'm not sure if you know this or not but the level of criticism in this forum is a couple of notches higher than in the lyric or mp3 forums - so please don't feel discouraged.

What I like about this: I like the imagery of the couple both when they are young and when they are old. Particularly for the young couple you have selected very vibrant "memories". For the older couple, the images you have selected seem pretty effective to me too, though they are, of course, more depressing. I like the concept of "faded blue" as well.

There are some things that didn't quite work for me though. Right now, all we seem to have is a contrast between now and then. Maybe that's enough - though my preference would be to have some more. I don't need every detail about what happened to make them the way they are - chances are, if they are like most in this situation, it is a bunch of little things, undetectable on their own, that added up. But I would at least expect a little bit of questioning on the narrarator. As is though, he doesn't appear to be particularly interested - he's just observing differences. In my opinion, this makes it difficult to latch onto these folks - to feel much empathy for them.

Another thing I can't figure out is whether this is supposed to be an anti-smoking song or not. If so, it seems a little too subtle to me - and I generally like subtlety. If not, the cigarettes are mentioned often enough that one starts to wonder if this is supposed to be an anti-smoking song.

Also, in my opinion, more of the lines should rhyme. I'm not trotting this out as a "rule" and I recognize that there are some songs that have few or no rhymes. But I don't think this is one that will work without them. If the listener is caught by surprise when a rhyme is expected and isn't heard (which would happen here because you use them in the opening lines of each section), they will be taken out of the song for a moment or two - which isn't desirable for any song.

As for the ending, it seems she dies. If so, it doesn't feel right to me. It has the feel of being placed for surprise or effect - but there is no emotional power to it. He doesn't seem particularly bothered by it - so why would the listener be?

Finally the line, "Perhaps someday it’ll come back in style" is one that I really like - but it doesn't feel right in this context. Maybe keep it for use in a different lyric....

Hey, these are all just opinions from other amateurs. I expect you'll get enough different ones that it will leave your head spinning. When I've been in this situation, I usually just focus on the ones that resonate with me and leave the others pass. I think you have the potential here for a powerful lyric - but only you can take it there. Good luck.

Scott