Gordon,

Thanks for submitting a lyric to help us get to that magic number and congratulations on being picked. It is always nice if everyone loves your stuff, but don't be disheartened if it is torn apart (ha, ha). This is a critical exercise to see if we can find out what works and doesn't work -- and you are the laboratory rat here! I am not that good at critiquing lyric only stuff -- since melody and music has the upper hand in a good song for me. Of course great music that has great lyrics is what we really all strive for here.

It doesn't really read like a song lyric to me, more of a story, narrative type thing -- and a depressing tale at that. I realize that life is not all mid to up-tempo and positive (and I write as many "dead-enders" as anyone), but I never really got much of a connection with either person. ... and if you don't have empathy with either character, when you get to the end, it is just over.

Plus if you are not the "artist" here, who is going to want to sing this "life gone down the tubes" story?

I just read Z. Mull's review and I have to agree about using more colors in the story. For some reason those perfect rhymes in lines 1 and 2 of every stanza seemed too forced to me, so it took away from the impact of the story.

Blue was her favorite color
she told me in the notes
we passed in class
Blond was the color of her hair
red-hot was my desire
but that was way in the past

we made snow angels in the white, white snow
.... etc

(chorus)
But now everything is faded blue
etc, etc....

I am short on time for this. If I think of anything else, I'll come back and edit.

Kevin

"Good science comes in peer reviewed journals. Conspiracy theories come in YouTube videos. "
Kevin @ bandcamp: Crows Say Vee-Eh