Those early posts are some very probing and considered critiques. Songwriters seldom get such in-depth feedback. Well done members.

Listeners/readers are telling you how the lyric 'works' in 'hooking' them, and where they may have come 'un-hooked'.

I notice the introductory passage is long. That's fine for live play, and may work well for use in TV or movie synchronization. For radio a short intro is desired. The piano part is 0:20. Then the main intro begins. The first line takes you up to 0:40 (about). The third line only gets you 1:00 in.

The music of the intro (instrumental) replays and you get right to the bridge. That's good. That change of dynamics renews interest.

At about 1:53 you're into Verse 2, and it takes you to 2:25 or so, and a repeat of the bridge, ending at 2:57.

A repeat of the musical phrase by the instruments serves as a hook of its own. The listener has become familiar with it as a recurring theme, tying the whole together, as memorable as the vocal melody and lyrical lines.

The bridge repeat takes you to 3:37. Instrumental interlude to 4:08 where the musical hook reintroduces the third giving of the bridge.

I note the clarity of enunciation, delivering the words to my ear so I get them the first time. Well done.

Ending at 5:10. That's too long for radio, perhaps. They like them shorter so they can do more ads, to pay the bills. Even without the 0:20 piano intro you're at 4:50. Without the instrumental interlude you'd be roughly at 4:20. It would be hard to cut this down to the usual 3:30 or so radio prefers. Perhaps it isn't meant for commercial radio, but more of a singer/songwriter style. Radio play can get you noticed, and these longer songs ("Promises", "Shouldn't Have To Try") can stand on their own with consumers.

The effect of the long intro is to postpone the vocal, which delays getting to THE hook of the title and the intensified emotion of the bridge.

(Verse 1)
Through Lawley field, 'cross the face of the rollin' hills
Through the high grass 'mid bloomin' daffodils
By the stream to the banks of the river
Innocence and the promise of a coming day

(This last line follows three, long prepositional phrases. It is the last chance to make a complete sentence of the whole first verse.

What is it that moves 'Through Lawley field, 'cross..., Through..., 'mid..., By..., to...? You need a noun in there, an 'actor' to do the 'acting' of all those words. Without it these are four lines of observations, without an observer. Without the noun (or pronoun) the singer-character is not yet in the song. Someone has to own the 'innocence' and perceive the 'promise'.

The singular 'promise' is not the intended title, as indicated, which is plural, "Promises". You could say:

WE LIVED IN innocence and PromiseS of a coming day

With that you have the pronoun, and the title.

Use of the title in the last line of the verse makes it a 'chorus-refrain', as opposed to a 'stanza-type' chorus, which is why I refer to the next stanza as a bridge. That pattern of last line refrain repeats, with variations in other verses. Ideally, they should repeat identically, to drive home that as THE hook, the title people will remember, especially when they want to request it or buy a copy.

A title ideally repeats at least 3 times, and more is stronger, and in strategic positions, the last line of each verse, as a chorus-refrain, or the last line of a stanza-type chorus, or the first and last lines in the stanza-type.

In the Bridge (below) the singer-character speaks directly to someone, a 'conversational' lyrical style. It is first-person. She is not telling us, the listeners/reader, about something. We just happen to be eavesdropping, which has a strong hook-factor, to be in on someone else's intimacies. Or, we get to assume the character of the singer and be the person in the song.

Come on down, place your feet in the muddy waters
Feel the cold run through your veins
A little stick, blood is thicker than water
And the hours, oh the hours, they slip away

(If 'blood brother/sister' is what is intended by 'A little stick' you could say so, instead. That makes it quite clear. The practice of cutting one's finger to share blood with another was a native American ritual.)

Blood brother, blood is thicker than water
Or:
Blood sister, blood is thicker than water

(Verse 2)
By the old barn all tired and broken down
Near old Mr. Donnelly's where we used to hang around
sharing thoughts, tossing rocks down a wishing well
Promises, only time could tell

(Your last line of Verse 2 doesn't match the melody of the last line of Verse 1.

Innocence and promise of a coming day (11 syllables/notes to sing)
Promises, only time could tell (8 syllables/notes)

(Ideally, the position of the title should be the same in each final line. The number of syllables dictates the number of notes to be sung, and the melody. If they vary the listener may come unhooked. The repetition of an identical melody supplies structure the listener can relate to. So you could say;

Innocence and promiseS of a coming day (12 syll/notes)
Innocence and Promises, only time could tell (12 syll/notes)

(This may suggest the title become "Innocence and Promises".)

(Or;)
WE LIVED IN innocence and PromiseS of a coming day
(And;)
WE LIVED IN innocence and PromiseS, only time could tell

(Repeat Bridge)

(Melodically, this variant movement below serves as a bridge too, serving the function of breaking monotony of repetition. You’ve been through a musical movement twice, at this point, verse, bridge, verse bridge, so the listener is ready for a change of dynamics to refresh the ear. This enables a repeat of the other bridge without seeming too repetitious.)

I do remember the night your father went away, we were so young
When your mother passed you seemed so frightened by life's hour glass
Our different lives got in the way
We could only sit back and watch the promises fade away

(The last line (above) can vary from the chorus-refrain, since it is a variant movement, not meant to repeat identically to the preceding verses)

(Instrumental Interlude)

Come on down, place your feet in the muddy water
Feel the cold run through your veins
A little stick, blood is thicker than water
And the time, time, time, time, time, time, time, time, oh…. it slips away......
And the time, time, time, time, time, time, time, oh…. it slips away......

Last edited by Gary E. Andrews; 01/24/11 01:42 AM.
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