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Florida
by bennash - 06/07/26 09:34 PM
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 151
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 151 |
need help on what lines I may need to take out or add...
World's Away-
(C)2011 by Ben C. Hodge
(v1)
Just a few streets over
Past the city park with the freeloaders
On the other side of the fast mart
2 story house and a big backyard
(chorus)
So close but it seems World's away....
So far off- because of past mistakes....
Seems like she's worlds away....
So close but she seems world's away
World's away...
Like an Uncharted Isle
Or a star off in the distance that's begun to fade...
(v2)
She's enjoyed her brand new start
No tell tell signs of a broken heart
I might as well be in space up on a sattelite
Cause that's how far I am from her mind...
Pre-chorus-----------------------
To get back in her arms again
Is quite a longshot-
Even though I know her address-
Be easier to catch a shooting star-
So close but it seems like she's world's away
World's away....
So far off because of past mistakes...
That's why she seems like she's worlds away
World's away...
Like an Uncharted Isle
Or a star off in the Milky Way....
(v3)
I always thought she was my destiny
Maybe she was.... just have myself to blame...
When I got caught redhanded with an old flame...
So close but she seems World's away....
World's away...
Like an Uncharted Isle
Or a star of in the distance that's began to fade...
(v4)
I had one chance in a million
To meet a girl like her-still I ended up being the villian
Now he's her new Knight in Shining Armor
Still got the memories I can look back on (from afar)
partial...(chorus)
So close but she seems like she's Worlds away
Worlds away....
So far off because of my past mistakes...
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 570
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 570 |
Ben, It was easy to feel my way into your song.
The image of "worlds away" "because of the singers past mistakes" is definitely worth the work you've done here.
I wasn't able to hear a rhyming pattern in your verses; did you plan one or does the music itself take over?
The information in the last two lines of V4 might fit better with the first two lines of V2. Maybe the singers regret and explanation should go into V3.
Please keep the "Space" and "distance" references all through the song, they directed me back to the title "Worlds Away."
Maybe strengthen those last lines in the chorus tags.
Pam
Never think can't do - think how to
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 151
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 151 |
thanks for your critique... I will change the lyric to include a rhyming pattern like abab... to make it flow better...
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2 |
Shouldn't the line in v2 read "tell tale" instead of "tell tell". Seems to me that would make sense. Story indicates that the more things change the more they stay the same. Reminded me of a landmark book written back in 1890 about condietions in low-life tenements.
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1 |
Maybe:
LIKE SHE NEVER HAD A BROKEN HEART
Mackie
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 151
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 151 |
yeah your right beechnut will change that... and Mackie that does sound a lot better... hey maybe if I change my name and get a facelift she might take me back????????? heeeeeeeeeeee
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2 |
Story of song proves that in romance as in many other areas of life we need to ensure that the rose-colored glasses remain off and that a realistic manner is adhered too. Easier said than done? Would fewer people get hurt if they did adhere to this?
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