JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Run Heart Run (collab with David Stuckey) REWRITE 1-29

This is the 1st collab David and I have done. His friend the young and very talented Tiffany is singing. All comments are welcome and very much appreciated!

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11388510&q=hi

Here is the rewrite please take a look and let me know if anything feels out of place. I'm leaving the original under the rewrite... Thanks!

Run Heart Run REWRITE 1/29/2012

Dottie Corley & David Stuckey
© 2011

He called again today
Oh he's so sorry now
Like I will forgive him
Cause he wants to take me out
So he sent me roses
Soaking in a vase of guilt
Even if he (hand)picked them
I can't afford the bill

Rise
Like a wolf he thrives
Under the cover of night
OR this rise
Rise
Cause it’s a hefty/heavy price
Now I see (the) caution signs


Chorus
Run heart run
I know he's a loaded gun
A marksman in the moonlight
With his smooth talking tongue
He fooled me once
With his lies and tender touch
How ‘bout you help me out
And run heart run

1-I won’t be a target
Or comforter for his bed

Or one one of the 3 following 1st 2 lines

2- I don’t have a target
Tattooed on my (fore)head

3-Flowers and I’m sorry
Won’t make me warm up his bed
4-Flowers and I'm sorry
They won't make me forget

If his fling was due to whiskey
Then he ain't sober yet
He was seen last Friday
And he wasn't in a bar
But had a young redhead
Hangin’ on left his arm

Rise
If he calls back tonight
I'll just say goodbye, (and)

Chorus

Bridge
I don’t know why I didn’t see
He’s got a masters’ in deceiving
The first time he lied, the first time I should’ve said

OR

Bridge
I don’t know why I didn’t see
He’s got a masters’ in deceiving
If he kissed me once I know where it end

Chorus

Tag
Run Heart Run


Dottie Corley & David Stuckey
© 2011


He called again today
Oh he's so sorry now
Like I should believe him
When he opens up his mouth
So he sent us roses
Soaking in a vase of guilt
I'm not falling for it
Wait until we get the bill

Rise
Better listen this time
I need you on my side

Chorus
Run heart run
We both know he's a loaded gun
Don't you listen to him
And his smooth talking tongue
It's bad enough
I can't forget his tender touch
How 'bout you help me out
Run heart run

You’re the one he hurt most
So how could you forget
He blamed it on the whiskey
Well then he ain’t sober yet
He was seen last Friday
And it wasn’t in a bar
But he had a bleached out blonde
Hangin’ on to left his arm

Rise
If we go out tonight
When I say goodbye

Chorus

Bridge
I don’t fool so easily
So don’t you argue with me
I’ll let him kiss us once, just once and then

Chorus


Tag
Run heart run
Just run heart run

Dottie, Great title! What I like about the song is the beat, the rhythm of it and the way the title serves as the payoff line in the chorus. Overall, I also like the melody. The lyrics are pretty good until the second chorus, where they run out of gas and founder a bit. I don't like the line about a bleached out blonde hanging on his left arm. And I don't like the lyrics of the bridge. But maybe I'm off base there, and maybe others will think it works fine. Having said that, this is a pretty good effort. Keep up the good work.

Dottie and David, what an awesome colab. Tiffany sounded surpurb, except for the "Won't you please" in the bridge. I feel it would have sounded better as written. Maybe it would have to be sung "Don't you,, argue with me." Great title/hook/idea.

Pam

This is fabulous, Dottie. That hook and the way it leads off the chorus feel like hit material to me.

I DO believe the lyric could be fine tuned a bit. Dan hit on one line. Another that could be smoothed out some is "Don't you listen to him". It sounds one syllable short of a good match to me.

But, again, this is something special I think - worth putting some finishing touches on.

Scott

I love your conversation with your heart, and how you both deal with a heart breaker, this is a great idea for a song. Lovely stuff as always Dottie.~~~~MFB III

Wow, You guys have a good one of your hands.
The music and the vocals really shine.

I really like the concept of her talking to her heart.
This hook is a sure fire winner.

Just a few options if you rework the lyrics

[i]Verse 1
I'm not falling for it
Wait until we get the bill
I'm not falling for it
He's betting that I will

Chorus
Don't you listen to him
And his smooth talking tongue
Don't be a fool to the promises
Of his smooth taking tongue

As I think Dan mentioned, I'd revisit the 2nd half of 2nd verse

Bridge
I’ll let him kiss us once, just once and then
I'll let him kiss us once, and you know how it will end... So...

Chorus
Run heart run...

PS. If you decide to leave it as is, I still think it's a cool song.
It's just a matter of time before some publisher notices that you are creating gem after gem.
Good luck with this one.

Hi Dan,

I don't think you're off base at all I've already changed the bleached out blonde line and I'm still working on the rewrite. The rewrite will be posted in a week or so. Thank you for your time and thoughts.

Dottie

Hi Pamela,

Thank you for your very kind words! I've rewritten the bridge and once the rewrite is complete I'll post it.

Dottie

Hi Scott,

I agree with you and everyone that the lyric needs fine tuning. I've already addressed the line you mentioned. Thank you very much for your time opinion it always helps.

Dottie

Hi MFB,

Thank you for your loyal support, I can always count on you to have a kind word for me.

Dottie

Hi Nelson,

You have been VERY helpful! You've given me some wonderful suggestions and I am considering all of them. Thank you, thank you!

Oh and thank you for making my day too.

Dottie

WOW...what a beautiful rush into my ears!!
Very stiring...this might be your best...better than anything I've done. This is a wow moment for me.

One observation...the music should pick up in power after the first verse...maybe it's just a matter of lifting the guitars up in volume??
Anyways....awesome song!! -Tom

Fabulous in every way Dottie. I'm duly impressed.

Stevie

Great song Dottie. I too was impressed.

Dottie

This is the best thing I have heard from you so far I think.
GREAT job by everyone, very effective in every area. Well crafted loved the lyrics... some real nice unique lines in there.

GREAT bridge! An often forgotten about section or non effective section.

I'm real happy for you and proud of you, especially since your so new to the whole scene.
Pretty song, and it "Fly's" given the chance, as good as 90% of what Country puts out today on a regular basis.

Best of luck
Mike....

I really like this, Dottie and David! Great hook, it catches on fast, and I love the verse melody too. I don't get the second rise, though?

But I love the singer! Really great find for this song. Sounds Dixie Chicks, methinks.

Hi Dottie,

I see you're working on a bit of a rewrite so I'll look forward to your subtle changes.

You're becoming VERY VERY GOOD at what you do, I'm glad for you.
This is not MY favorite style of music but I certainly know a COOL song when I hear it & this is COOL.

I love this..
Run heart run
We both know he's a loaded gun

Tiffany is REALLY GOOD especially at the end of the bridge *****


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hey Dottie,

This one is sounding very good. Tiffany can sing it!

Lyrically, there are a couple of disconnects for me.... At some points it sounds classy and at others it sounds like rougher street talk. I don't like line 4 - maybe something like "opens his mouth to speak".

Likewise, the last four lines of V2 sound kind of rough compared to the rest.

Good one though.

Hi Tom,

You are too kind! I've heard your songs and you know I'm a fan but I aprreciate your very kind words.

I feel like it was confusing some people so I've made some changes. I'm almost ready to send them to David.

Dottie

Hi Stevie,

Your opinion means a lot to me so thank you very much!

Dottie

Hi Iggy,

Thank you so much for your visit and kind words. David and Tiffany did all the real work.

Dottie

Hi Mike,

There you are, I've missed seeing you around here. Wow that is a huge compliment. A few of the lines were confusing some folks like the whole talking to my heart as a seperate being so I've changed that. It really doesn't affect the lyric a lot(it seems like it would). I don't want anyone wondering what's going on sooo.

Again I appreciate your comments VERY much, you sure know how to make a gal feel good.

Dottie

Hi Magne,

Yes I agree I had some confusing lines. I think I have it all sorted out now and will be posting the rewrite today I hope. I have one or two lines I still need to work on.

Dottie

Hi Calvin,

Yes I think Tiffany could sing the phone book and I would love it! Thank you for your very kind words.

Dottie

Hi Colin,

I agree and that line is gone now along with a few other trouble spots. Thanks for taking time to listen.

Dottie

Great re-write on this Dottie, I think it addressed the issues and it sounds really good! You go girl...I will one day say..."I knew her when!"

Tammy

Hi Tammy,

I'm so glad you listen to the song and I'm very happy you like it. I'm still working on a few lines and I'm posting a few options for those. I'd love to know what everyone thinks is the strongest of the lines.

Dottie

Sounds like a winner to me. Excellent production and singing. Well done on the lyrics (and I see you are working on improvements). The bridge sounded a little out of time to me -- but I see you have re-written that part too.

You are churning out some top notch demos these days!!

Hi Dottie,ya'll did a great job here!You have a few good sugs already but everything sounds meant to be on this one.

Thanks for all of the comments and suggestions. I have the easy part here, I just play a few instruments to go with Dottie's great lyrics. The music just seems to fall into place when I get a lyric from her.

It's a hit for me.
Vic

THIS MAY BE THE ONE! THIS SONG HAS A LOT OF CLASS--IT'S WELL PRESENTED--IT COULD BE YOUR BIG HIT!

WRITE AND SING ON!

Mackie

Can't find much wrong with this one. Congrats on writing a stone cold classic country balled. The vocal/lyrics are pro as is the mix.
There's just so many great parts to this song that I'm just going to leave this post with one simple line......This song makes me want to write.



Great work guys just pure class!

Dottie, as I said on the muse, this is a very good one....indeed...I will offer my thoughts on the lyric ideas but of course, you have to make the decision. I hope it is helpful....good luck on this one
Kim


Run Heart Run REWRITE 1/29/2012

Dottie Corley & David Stuckey
© 2011

He called again today
Oh he's so sorry now
Like I will forgive him
Cause he wants to take me out
So he sent me roses
Soaking in a vase of guilt
Even if he handpicked them
I can expect a bill--maybe use... I'll owe/pay for them still? just a thought, but may not work..

Rise
Like a wolf he thrives
Under the cover of night

OR this rise
Rise
And it’s a hefty/[color:#3366FF]heavy price
Now I see (the) caution signs[/color] I like this one better, the wolf came out of nowhere... for me...and I like heavy best
Chorus
Run heart run
I know he's a loaded gun
A marksman in the moonlight
With his smooth talking tongue
He fooled me once
With his lies and tender touch
How ‘bout you help me out
And run heart run

1-I won’t be a target
Or comforter for his bed

Or one one of the 3 following 1st 2 lines

2- I don’t have a target
Tattooed on my (fore)head

3-Flowers ROSES? since you named them as roses earlier? I like this line best I think... and I’m sorry
Won’t make me warm up his bed

4-Flowers and I'm sorry
They won't make me forget

If his fling what about --? if cheating was due to the whiskey , because to me fling is a tiny bit fancy and not usual for country, in my mind was due to whiskey
Then he ain't sober yet
He was seen last Friday
And he wasn't in a bar
But had a young redhead
Hangin’ on left his arm

Rise
If he calls back tonight
I'll just say goodbye, (and)

Chorus

Bridge
I don’t know why I didn’t see
He’s got a masters’ in deceiving
The first time he lied, WAS the first time I should’ve said





I am not trying to re-write this for ya, girl. just offering a couple of small alternatives to consider, but either one you choose it will be good!!!!

Kim

Hi Dottie,

I think you really have something here. The original write works better for me than the re-write. There are a few little spots that might be able to use a little bit of ironing out though.


When I listened to the song, I noticed the singer departed from the lyric in several places which fit very nicely and I would keep the lyric the same as it is sung. For me, the song is very well done with the exception of the little nits that I picked out. In my opinion, this song doesn't need much help.

You are getting better and better Dottie. Keep it up girl!

Danny


But he had a bleached out blonde
Hangin’ on to left his arm

I like the redhead part of the re-write:

But had a young redhead
Hangin on left his arm

I know the metre is a tad bit different but phrasing will make it work out nicely

In the last rise I would use will instead of when to accentuate the head/heart struggle.

Rise
If we go out tonight
When Will I say goodbye

Hello Dottie.

You have received some great advice already. I'd take it and re-write again. This is really very well done and sounds like what is charting out there now.

Keep at it and get it as good as you can and then IMO try to plug it.

Good luck.

Douglas

Hi Kevin,

David and I both love the original but I played it for some Music pros and they found parts of it to be confusing. I can understand why they were confused and I THINK/HOPE it's not confusing now.

Thank you for your very kind words it means a LOT to me.

Dottie

Hi Michael,

Thanks for the visit. To be honest David and Tiffany did all the heavy lifting. I'm just thrilled to be working with them!

Dottie

Hi David,

You are being humble and that is such a wonderful and difficult thing to be. I used to pray for humility, got a heavy dose of it and quit lol. BUT I am once again praying for humility. My grandfather was the most humble person I've ever met and it if I could be like anyone I'd want to be like him.

I think you've done an awesome job on this song. You and Tiffany are a blessing for me and I won't for a second forget that!!

Dottie

Hi Man of few words,

You are indeed a man of few words Vic! I appreciate the words though.

Dottie

Hi there Mackie,

I hope you're right. I think Tiffany sounds great but she would sound even better on the radio. I have always been a dreamer so there is no use stopping now.

Dottie

Hi Andy,

I hope you are doing well. I don't see a lot of you around here these days but I've yet to hear one of your that I didn't love!

Thanks for the awesome compliment.

Dottie

Hi Kim,

I always appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. Thank you for that! I'll comment on your comments, lol.

He called again today
Oh he's so sorry now
Like I will forgive him
Cause he wants to take me out
So he sent me roses
Soaking in a vase of guilt
Even if he handpicked them
I can expect a bill--maybe use... I'll owe/pay for them still? I think we've got this part worked out I'm going to edit the rewrite but I DO appreicate your suggestion! just a thought, but may not work..

Rise
Like a wolf he thrives
Under the cover of night
OR this riseRise

And it’s a hefty/heavy price
Now I see (the) caution signs I like this one better, the wolf came out of nowhere... for me...and I like heavy best Yes we're going with this one.

Chorus
Run heart run
I know he's a loaded gun
A marksman in the moonlight
With his smooth talking tongue
He fooled me once
With his lies and tender touch
How ‘bout you help me out
And run heart run

1-I won’t be a target
Or comforter for his bed

Or one one of the 3 following 1st 2 lines

2- I don’t have a target
Tattooed on my (fore)head

3-Flowers ROSES? since you named them as roses earlier? I like this line best I think... and I’m sorry
Won’t make me warm up his bed

David like #4 best so I think we're going with it.

4-Flowers and I'm sorry
They won't make me forget

If his fling what about --? if cheating was due to the whiskey , because to me fling is a tiny bit fancy and not usual for country, in my mind was due to whiskey I like that too but I needed at least one less syllable there for it to fit well (least I think I did).
Then he ain't sober yet
He was seen last Friday
And he wasn't in a bar
But had a young redhead
Hangin’ on left his arm

Rise
If he calls back tonight
I'll just say goodbye, (and)

Chorus

Bridge
I don’t know why I didn’t see
He’s got a masters’ in deceiving
The first time he lied, WAS the first time I should’ve said

Thanks for your time and thoughts Kim!

Dottie

Hi Danny,

We like the original too but I played it for 4 music pros and they thought it was confusing. If we're going to pitch the song too they have to like it so I felt I had no choice but to do a rewrite.

Lisa Palas told me (and I know it's true) that today woman like to sing about their strengths and some parts made her sound weak. I feel like I have fixed that. Some didn't get that she was talking to her heart so I had to change too. I think the rewrite makes it clear and still has the same meaning.

Dottie

Hi Douglas,

Thanks for the visit. If you have a minute I'd love to know what part you think needs rewriting? I do want it to be as good as possible.

Dottie

Hi Colin,

You and I think alike but most people don't agree with us. I think we have it worked out and I'll edit the rewrite. Thank you very much for your opinion!! It really helps to know what everyone thinks.

Dottie

Great sound, Dottie. Really fine song.

I've not read what others have said, so hope I don't repeat anything.
A few comments/suggestions below. KOS, of course.

Donna

Run Heart Run REWRITE 1/29/2012

Dottie Corley & David Stuckey
© 2011

He called again today
Oh he's so sorry now Can leave this 'so' out. You use 'so' in line 4.
Like I will forgive him
Cause he wants to take me out
So he sent me roses
Soaking in a vase of guilt
Even if he handpicked them
I can expect a bill

Rise No.
Like a wolf he thrives
Under the cover of night

OR this rise
Rise This one sounds and fits better. Maybe along the lines of 'It's a high price to pay/Now I see the caution signs.
And it’s a hefty/heavy price
Now I see (the) caution signs


Chorus
Run heart run
I know he's a loaded gun
A marksman in the moonlight
With his smooth talking tongue
He fooled me once
With his lies and tender touch
How ‘bout you help me out
And run heart run

1-I won’t be a target
Or comforter for his bed No. No connection between 'target' and 'comforter', and the image of a 'comfort blanket' doesn't suit.

Or one one of the 3 following 1st 2 lines

2- I don’t have a target No. There's no mention of 'target' in the rest of the lyric. The image doesn't suit.
Tattooed on my (fore)head

3-Flowers and I’m sorry
Won’t make me warm up his bed No on this line.

4-Flowers and I'm sorry I feel this is getting closer. Maybe something like 'flowers and apologies/Won't make me forget'. Mention specific flowers.
They won't make me forget

If his fling was due to whiskey
Then he ain't sober yet
He was seen last Friday Suggest making this line active rather than passive, as it sounds too formal and at odds with the tone of the rest of the verse. Have someone actually seeing him.
And he wasn't in a bar
But had a young redhead Suggest re-wording this for maximum impact. I don't think 'young redhead' and 'left arm' details are that important. I'll come back to this if anything springs to mind. ;)
Hangin’ on left his arm If you change the previous line (e.g. 'But headin' for a rest'rant') , you could end with something like 'And a redhead on his arm'. OR 'With a redhead on his arm' if you have him heading for the restaurant or whatever.

Rise
If he calls back tonight
I'll just say goodbye, (and)

Chorus

Bridge
I don’t know why I didn’t see
He’s got a masters’ in deceiving The word 'master's' might be obscure. Not everyone will know it refers to a master's degree. Or at least I'm assuming it does. Plus it sounds out of place, as there's been no mention of education. It introduces a new element, which could confuse the listener.
The first time he lied, the first time I should’ve said

Donna stole my answers...so "what she said" is my help to you Dottie....LOL!! But I agree on those two choices and all of the other smartie stuff she says!!! LOL!!

Tammy

OK - just don't be boring! Wolves and targets are not boring. Flowers and roses are boring.