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Any/all feedback appreciated. This is a male vocalist.



There are Wild Roses copyright 2004 Pamela Bowne

With her letter tumbled jumbled thoughts of long ago
Summer nights when chores were done, she’d come, we’d run, laugh and grow
Seams now I’ve inherited that dirt-poor farm from Uncle Joe
She enclosed the last sweet note he wrote me so I’d know

(Chorus)
There are wild roses behind the weeping willow tree
Just look where we never dreamed they’d be
Blooming bounty in breathtaking beauty
Wild roses, we are often slow to see

Between the church and graveyard time to talk of just how far
I ran chasing glitter while she caught her football star
Both of us still picturing poor Uncle Joe Alone
Till on the old plot next to his we read right off the stone

Repeat Chorus

Now out past fallen fences, weathered wood and fallow fields we grieve
Walk thru plans, holding hands, beginning to believe

There are wild roses

i'm likin' this one!You have some really cool lines in here!

I agree with Michael, you have some great lines in here and I'm liking what you have so far

glyn

Thank you Michael and Glyn for the kind words, I love having access to this friendly learning place. Since I'm neither a good singer nor a player it has taken me a long time to get this far. (imagine, I turned 50 before I learned notes had names?) I do hear my lyrics with all the music in my head so I'll keep working on communicating in "music language" and finding players, or composers to co-write with.

Pam

Pam one of the problems I had with this is confusion.
If the first line started with "from" it would mean the writers thoughts were jumbled. If you mean it caused your thoughts to jumble then it could be said better.
I don't know who "she" is.
When you say, "so I'd know" do you mean know he died or do you mean know about the roses? (needs a better set-up)
There are many other issues.
I think there's some good things here, but it needs a more understandable working.
Best of luck!
-Mike

Thanks, Mike, I'll keep working on it. Pam

Hi Pam,

Nice to meet ya & welcome to JPF.

It seems like maybe you could omit a word here and there for better flow, but overall I like it and I like the image this part leaves me with as it goes into the chorus..

Till on the old plot next to his we read right off the stone

Repeat Chorus



This song sounds like it has lots of potential.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Pamela,

I've read a couple of your lyrics now and I can say without a doubt that you are very good with images. I love your title "Wild Roses" a few comments below.

With her letter tumbled jumbled thoughts of long ago I don't think tumbled jumbled is working. I admit it's a cool rhyme but when I say it outloud I can't imagine it singing well plus since this is your 1st line you want it to be great.
Summer nights when chores were done, she’d come, we’d run, laugh and grow I like "summer nights when chores were done" but I think the rest of this line could be improved. I don't think I'd say grow maybe talk about ballgames or a dance or something that kids do.
Seams now I’ve inherited that dirt-poor farm from Uncle Joe
She enclosed the last sweet note he wrote me so I’d know

(Chorus)
There are wild roses behind the weeping willow tree
Just look where we never dreamed they’d be
Blooming bounty in breathtaking beauty This line is a mouth full to say much less sing and it's not very conversational. I'm guessing this it to be a country song so sounding conversational is very important.
Wild roses, we are often slow to see

I don't feel like your chorus is working with the verses. The chorus is about Uncle Joe and v1 is about a guy and a girl growing up and the death of Uncle Joe. I sort of expected the girl to be the wild rose blooming into a full grown woman. I think the lyric is a bit confusing. I mean I understand what you're saying but I've been taught that for a lyric to work we have to feel an emotional connection to someone. I'm struggling to find a connection or who I should feel a connection with. Is it Uncle Joe, the girl (and who is she) or you. I think it might work better if it was clear who the lyric is about and then you could give us a glimpse of what's going on with that person as far as feelings go.

Between the church and graveyard time to talk of just how far
I ran chasing glitter while she caught her football star I'm not sure what chasing glitter means but this is a cool line anyway.
Both of us still picturing poor Uncle Joe Alone
Till on the old plot next to his we read right off the stone

I'm just getting mixed feelings if it's supposed to be about Uncle Joe or who. I think if it's supposed to be about Uncle Joe there should be more in the lyric about him. I'm feeling more like it's a love story but I'm just not sure.

Repeat Chorus

Now out past fallen fences, weathered wood and fallow fields we grieve
Walk thru plans, holding hands, beginning to believe This is the first part that I've felt any emotion and I think that's a critical part of a good lyric.

There are wild roses

I guess it sounds like I don't like your lyric but I do. I just want to feel a connection and be clear on who the story is about. Of course I could be completely wrong too!

Dottie

Pam,

"Blooming bounty in breathtaking beauty"

Now, that's what I call alliteration!

Andy

Ok friends, see what you made me do...THANK YOU

Still open for all comments...



There are Wild Roses

Snail mail brought the letter from my staid old Uncle Joe
Tumbled jumbled memories of sweet summers long ago
Worry, work and wonder, lessons of the land
The neighbor kid who'd come, and run, and let me hold her hand

As I opened up my door that neighbor called to say he'd died
I just said “I'll be there” and hung up before I cried
Much later read his note and a copy of the will
“The family farm was mine” he wrote “go see if there are still….

(Chorus)
(There are) wild roses behind the weeping willow tree
Just look where we never dreamed they’d be
Blooming bounty in breathtaking beauty
Wild roses, we are often slow to see

Between the church and graveyard time to talk of just how far
I ran chasing glitter while she caught her football star
Both of us still picturing poor Uncle Joe alone
Till on the old plot next to his we read right off the stone

Repeat Chorus

Now out past fallen fences, weathered wood and fallow fields we grieve
Walk thru plans, holding hands, beginning to believe

There are wild roses

Hi Pam,
Dottie's critique is bang on the money and your rewrite is certainly an improvement. The story is more clear but, in my opinion, it could do with a little more polishing !

As I read it,
Uncle Joe reaches from beyond the grave to reunite the singer and his childhood sweetheart, who had met while spending summers on the farm. All this despite the singer's recent neglect of his uncle, turning his back on his former sweetheart while chasing his dream. The smell of clean country air and finding the wild roses bring him back to his senses and cause him to reassess his life choices.

The opening line is a bit impersonal
'The mailman brought the letter' gives a more accessable image, one that the listener can immediately imagine.
But what was in the letter from uncle Joe? What prompted the memories to flood back?
Make it concrete...rather than tumbling jumbled memories, how about an old photograph ? Who and what are in the photo? Describe.
In verse 2
Does the news come from someone at the door or from a phonecall ?
It's a little unclear.
Who should make the phonecall : singer who is reassessing his life or his old sweetheart, who just happens to call with the news of Uncle Joe's death.
What exactly was written in the will.... Uncle Joe bequeathing the land to his nephew or just reaffirming that he owned the land in the first place?

Your chorus is a nice change of meter but I could see a difficulty for a singer singing line 3....alliteration can be awkward to get your mouth around...(unless you split it up !)

The song has a lovely story, really sweet and romantic but I think you should really explore and describe the relationships of the characters a litle more.


Béir bua. (Gaelic for 'Blessings and success ')
Tom

Tom, I can't make my computer spell it correctly but Beir bua for you too.
Give my a few days, Maybe I CAN fit the whole story into the small song.
Thank you for the feedback. Pam

Hi Pamela
A good story which flows very well, my only nit which is a small one is that the same rhyming pattern has been used throughout. Which could matter when it's set to a melody, then again with the right tune he may not matter at all
Best of luck with it
Travis

Above the thorns of life.... blooms glow,
to bless the world with rich arrays
of colors unique to each soul,
then cast out seeds when they are done
adding beauty to our days.

They stem from roots enriched by those
who long ago shed petaled tears,
for all the morning dew they drank
the loveliness that graced their years,
till drooping heads found endless sleep
fertilizing soils dank and deep.

Wild roses seldom see a vase,
bringing glory to some desolate place,
but they delight in those they teach
that beauty has no limited reach,
like desert roses...cactus blooms
or tangled bushes marking tombs,
they grow where others seldom dare
to offer wisdom all should share.


Lovely write Pam...obviously it inspired me.
Thanks for the read.~~~MFB III

MFB III, What a beautiful piece. Now I'm more inspired to get this one polished and on to it's next step.

Pam

A tear in my eye now.
Vic

Pamela,

Nice story and some great lines! I especially like-

Now out past fallen fences, weathered wood and fallow fields we grieve
Walk thru plans, holding hands, beginning to believe