JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Untitled as yet...need some help

Hi Everyone--

This song is about a subject that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately...it's probably at odds with public opinion, but when have y'all known me to ride with the crowd?

Please let me know if you can add anything to it.


Untitled
work-in-progress by Jaden Parker Wolfe

We're fighting this war
on a far-away shore
and it seems to me
like we've been here before
We've walked this same line
fought time after time
for the rights of the others
but while we fight
we're forgetting our brothers

Back here at home
they're crying out alone
no one seems to care
that we can't feed our own
Our babies learn
when they head off to school
that knives and guns
are the new golden rule

Remind me again...
what are we fighting for?
Tell me once more...
what are we fighting for?

Our fears are growing
faster than our children
and our dreams are dying
harder every day
what kind of freedom
are we fighting for
when this sort of life is okay?


That's where I've ended up for now...please do me a favor and don't critique the message. I know some people will disagree with my viewpoint, but I'm only asking for lyrical advice. Thanks.


Jaden

[This message has been edited by Jaden (edited 03-09-2003).]

Hi Jaden. First off, I loved the idea and I particulary LOVE the strong last chorus. Said a lot to me, and I think it would say a lot to MANY, MANY. (I happen to be one who agrees with you point of view on this, but as you say, that is irrelvant to what type of critiqueing you want).
Fears growing faster than our children and dreams dying harder every day, is just so powerful. TWO lines that say SO damn much. All of it is very, very good. I am left wanting the chorus to be as powerful as that last verse, therefore, it brings me to suggest putting those two powerful lines intot he chorus.
It seems to me like we've been here before , we've walked this same line ....these lines are rather weak IMO and dont say a whole lot. All I'm really saying is that you could probably stick something a little more MAGNIFICANT into there, to make it a reallY BRAVO song. Dont get me wrong. It's good the way it stands. I just think that when you put that thinking cap back on, you could come up with something absolutely brilliant. You've got the talent. Just those two lines show it. I suppose the obvious title at this point in your work would be "What are we fighting for?" Maybe I would like to see it be Dreams die hard and work that into the chorus line, and repeat it. Loved it. Dixie

[This message has been edited by Dixie (edited 03-09-2003).]

Hey Jaden, This is excellent!! How anyone could see a different veiwpoint I don't know. Unless they live on Mars! I would expand the chorus somewhat and do vs1,chorus,vs2,etc...Other than that it's perfect.
Peace & love ya! Sherin

------------------
"If someone found a cure for apathy, no one would give a damn"

Ok...I've written some more on it, and now it's finished. I've titled it "This Kind of Life". Here it is:

This Kind of Life
(c)2003 by Jaden Parker Wolfe/Angelwolfe Music

We're fighting this war
on a far-away shore
and it seems to me
like we've been here before
We've walked this same line
fighting time after time
for the rights of the others
but while we are fighting
we're forgetting our brothers

Back here in our home
they're crying out alone
but no one seems to care
that we can't feed our own
Our babies are learning
when they head off to school
that the knife and the gun
are the new golden rule

Remind me again...
who are we fighting for?
Tell me one more time...
what are we fighting for?

It's a world where our fears
are growing faster than our children
and our dreams are dying
harder every day
What sort of freedom
are we fighting for
when this kind of life is okay?

Our freedom is a lie
when we don't even try
to stand up for love
for fear that we will die
And the wrong kind of worship
just might get you killed
Is this kind of nation
that we set out to build?

We turn our face away
from those who go astray
we never take the time
to show them the way
We pretend we don't see
and then we turn our backs
and somewhere along the way
they're falling through the cracks

Remind me again...
what are we fighting for?
Tell me one more time...
who are we fighting for?

It's a world where our fears
are growing faster than our children
and our dreams are dying
harder every day
What sort of freedom
are we fighting for
when this kind of life is okay?

How can we say
we're fighting for our freedom
when this kind of life is okay?

hi Jaden

i feel the added on verses are good, but kinda rushed.

stand up for the love----of what?

is this kind of nation----just reads wrong

why not use the double meaning of the word kind and say

is this the kind nation

the next verse is completely rhetorical
it needs more substantiating evidence
but i'll leave that to you

ie: who are "those"
show them "what" way

thinking, you might just be better of, repeating the back at home verse here---being that it says the same thing, but way clearer
there's no law saying that you can only repeat the chorus.

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http://www.random-noise.com/

Very well done with some brilliant lines and a very strong chorus.
Reminds me of that Garth song that I can't remember the darn title of. (LOL)

Red--Is it "We Shall Be Free"?

Ritt--I really like that idea "is this the kind nation"...I think I'll use that, if it's ok?

Group at large--your opinions, please...does it read better if I say "What sort of freedom are we fighting for?", or "Where is this freedom that we're fighting for?"

*sigh* Just when I thought it was finished...
But that's why I post here...thanks, everyone!!!!


Jaden

This is totally irrelevant...just testing my new signature. Thanks, y'all!!

Jaden

------------------
http://www.geocities.com/kitty_caliente :PLEASE VISIT MY WEBPAGE!

ATTENTION TO THOSE IN THE GREATER KANSAS CITY AREA: Please contact me if you are interested in a local chapter. Thanks!!

Hey Jaden, my neighbor and I were having a converstaion along these lines yesterday. I love Ritt's suggestion regarding "kind nation." I'm watching this with interest.

BTW, visited your webpage and read some of your other stuff. Enjoyed the visit.

Thanks, pammie...I was hoping you would visit! I've gotten a couple of offers from composers for this one just based on the site, and a couple of offers for some of my other songs, too...it looks like things are coming together, slowly but surely. Wish me luck!!

Jaden

LOVE it. it's a beautiful song. the secong copy seems a bit long tho . . . i think that "what kind of freedom" is better.

Yes, Jaden.. that's the one!!! (smile)

Wow, I love this. It's a lot of what I try to write as far as viewpoint goes. It's got a lot of good content. And I really don't see how worrying about opposition would make much sense. Writing a new way looking at something is the point. I liked the last verse. I really like the final version. Love ta hear it sometime.

Good luck

Thanks, Josh! I'm inclined to agree with your viewpoint on public opinion, but we've had some issues in the past with people getting too wrapped up in the message of the song to critique the actual lyrics, so just to be safe, if you think something is going to be controversial, it never hurts to specify what you're looking for.

It's so awesome to see you here on the boards...look forward to hearing more from you very soon!!!

Thanks for coming!


Jaden

Shoot...where are my manners? Tolkien, I completely forgot to say thanks to you too...I apologize. Love your name and thanks for the input!

Jaden