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Florida
by bennash - 06/07/26 09:34 PM
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 22
Casual Observer
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 22 |
This is my first time posting lyrics on this board. I've been a member for about a month or so and I have posted critiques on a few lyrics of others.
This is a song I wrote a couple of years ago. Please offer feedback and let me know what you think!
Can't Take Away Who I Am
Sitting on the edge of a dream
Reaching out, I'm about to fall
Peaople think it's a crazy thing
To just let go and risk it all
They think they can take it all away from me
They don't understand who I am and who I wanna be
Chorus:
You could take everything from me
And I wouldn't feel a thing
'Cause you can't take away who I am
You could crush all of my dreams
And I wouldn't stop believing
'Cause you can't take away who I am
And nobody can
Walking far my legs are weak
Feel like I might have to crawl
But when I get where I need to be
Wait and see I will stand up tall
People think I'll give up so easily
Just means that they don't know anything about the real me
(chorus)
No, no nobody can(6x)
(Chorus)
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
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Hi Eliza, Welcome to JPF! I'm glad you're posting a lyric and a good one at that. I'd like to know what genre you think this is and if you have music for it, or even just a head melody. The reason I ask is because if it's country I think you'll need to add some images, you know something to put a picture in our heads. If it's not country it might be fine as is. Either way I think it's a good lyric.  Dottie
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8
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Top 10 Poster
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Hi Eliza
I go with everything Dottie says here. Plus if it's acountry song a bridge would also work.
Best of luck with your writing
Regards
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,858 Likes: 1
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Hi ELiza, Nice to meet you & welcome to JPF. This lyric seems to have potential, good job. I really like this part.... Sitting on the edge of a dream Reaching out, I'm about to fall Peaople think it's a crazy thing To just let go and risk it all Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067
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Top 200 Poster
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I agree with Dottie, too. Country lyrics need mental images. Let us know what genre you have in mind so that we can better critique it.
“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard
Co-writing = Compromise!
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 22
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Thank you for all of the comments , I appreciate it!
To answer your questions, I suppose the song could fit into the country genre, but it wouldn't have a very strong country sound. I imagine it as a type of piano ballad. I hope that helps.
~Eliza
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,096
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Welcome Liza,
I think this'll be a great song!
No matter genre, I think if you add a bridge with images to her dream or to the story, it would be more powerful!
I got a couple thoughts, mostly reversing a couple lines in the chorus. That might just be me....
Keep or toss any of these suggestions......
Can't Take Away Who I Am
Sitting on the edge of a dream
Reaching out, I'm about to fall
People think it's a crazy thing
To just let go and risk it all
THOSE THAT think they can take it all away from me
Don't understand who I am and who I wanna be
Chorus:
THEY could take everything from me
BUT I wouldn't stop believing
THEY CAN'T CHANGE MY IDENTITY
SO I wouldn't feel a thing
YEA THEY could crush my dreams
BUT THEY can't take away who I am
Nobody can
I'LL LAND THOUGH MY legs are weak
AND EVEN IF I might have to crawl
I'LL get where I need to be
THEY'LL WATCH AND WAIT AS I stand tall
THOSE THAT think I'll give up easily
Just don't know anything about the real me
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
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LIZA--
WELCOME--
MY TAKE ON YOUR LYRIC: CAPS USE OR LOSE ANY
Can't Take Away FROM ME
© 2011 SONGSBYELIZA
V1
Sitting AT the edge of MY dream
I STILL REACH out, ABOUT to fall
People MAY think it's a crazy thing
LETTING GO ...I risk it all
THEY WOULD LIKE TO STEAL DREAMS from me
THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT OR WHO I wanna be
Chorus:
I CAN LOOSE OF ALL MY MONEY
AND STILL HAVE MY THOUGHTS
I CAN IMAGINE YOU’RE WITH ME
ANY NIGHT NOW AND NOT FEEL LOST
DREAMING ‘BOUT WHAT USED TO BE
THEY can't take away FROM ME
......nobody can......nobody can
V2
Walking THIS far my legs are weak
I MAY have to GET DOWN AND crawl
I DON’T KNOW YET where I need to be
I RECALL THAT YOU WERE PROUD AND tall
REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO GET CRAZY
THEY DON’T KNOW A THING ABOUT ME
Chorus:
IF I LOOSE OF ALL MY MONEY
I’LL STILL HAVE MY THOUGHTS
I CAN IMAGINE YOU’RE WITH ME
ANY NIGHT NOW I WON’T FEEL LOST
DREAMING ‘BOUT WHAT USED TO BE
THEY can't take away FROM ME
......nobody can......nobody can
BR
SO I’LL GO ON DREAMIN
THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
YOU WERE MY MAN
Chorus:
IF I LOOSE OF ALL MY MONEY
I’LL STILL HAVE MY THOUGHTS
I CAN IMAGINE YOU’RE WITH ME
ANY NIGHT NOW I WON’T FEEL LOST
DREAMING ‘BOUT WHAT USED TO BE
THEY can't take away FROM ME
......nobody can......nobody can
Mackie
Last edited by Mackie H.; 10/09/11 01:28 AM.
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 22
Casual Observer
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Posts: 22 |
thank you all for the feedback! It has given me a lot to think about.
Most of the changes you two suggested don't really work for the song, but I think that's mainly because I've known how it should flow for a couple of years and you don't. I like the idea of using the word "identity" but I don't think I like it in the chorus. That may be something I could add to the bridge. I also like the sugestion of changing "just let go" to "lettting go". It makes some sense and doesn't interrupt the flow of the song. Still thinking about some of the other suggestions.
~Eliza
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,096
Top 100 Poster
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It's your song Eliza!
and you know what works best for it!
Suggestions are no more than givin' you other ideas and more to think about.
When you're ready... post that rewrite!
Love to read it!!
Geneva
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,633
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
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Hi and welcome I like your original version... and I wouldn't change the "just let go" line the only change I would suggest Just means that they don't know anything about the real me. our politicians are all ways banging on that there is them and the real them ... people are who we see ... and all of you is real, just when it's not the "real you" it is but your lying to us... JMO... song works with or with out... I hear this as fairly slow... jazz maybe blues.. Cheers Noel
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,373
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Very nice lyric! I love the first line. You have a great idea here. It's very inspirational.
Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,373
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Very nice lyric! I love the first line. You have a great idea here. It's very inspirational.
Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 26
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 26 |
Wow! You go girl!!! For me the images are there ! Take what critiques u can use and discard the others. What I do is study lyrics that are working in the real world right now and take my cue from them mostly. But I dont dismiss any critique offhand. There are some good songwriters on this site and I would consider what they have to say for sure.
P.S. Anybody ever tell you that you look like Riki Lake ?
Last edited by lyricman1957; 12/01/11 06:01 PM.
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 7,911 Likes: 1
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Nice job on this one. Good rhythm and rhyme structure. Makes a statement. It might be nice to know just a little more about your goals and what people are doing to stop you, but it is OK as is if you want to keep it mysterious.
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 10,943 Likes: 3
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Sure sounds like a contemporary pop song to me with that heavy backbeat and a cross between sing/rap approach. I wish I knew my pop stuff, so I could pick a song out that was close. I'll just try this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUe8uoKdHao -- Check out when the chorus kicks into high gear at 1:18 or so. Kevin
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 151
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
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Posts: 151 |
wow I really like this... I think you have the makings to be a really good songwriter... as far as this song you only know if you have it just right when you sing it out in the style you want it...
I do think it could work just like it is..
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