JPF Home Page Forums Post Week 55 (February 2011) Entries Here

Hi Folks!

We are starting the Week 55 (obviously it's not really "weekly" anymore, so consider this "Session 55" as we restart for 2011) process for the Mentor Critique. We welcome anyone to post a lyric or a lyric/with an mp3 link for consideration. Harriet Schock, our volunteer Mentor for this project will pick one to do a public critique. She is not looking for the "Best" or "Worst" entry, but rather the one that will serve the learning process the best. Once she chooses, we will post that choice and open it up for member critiques. This is the most important stage as it helps you learn how to critically look at lyrics and song structure for later comparision to Harriet's points. After we've had critiques by members, we'll post Harriet's critique and have further discussion. The idea being that you'll learn how to look at things in a new way and also see how others view the same work. You'll then be able to compare what you noticed with an experienced, successful, professional educator and/or artist/songwriter.

The schedule is (Day are Approximate as we are just restarting this program for 2011 and need to clean out the cobwebs a little):

February 1st-18th: Post Lyric and Lyric/MP3 link entries.
February 19th-24th: Open Member Critique
February 25th (Give or Take): We post Harriet's Critique
Feb 25th-March 4th: We have open discussion.

This is all about learning. Don't post a lyric or mp3 file that you aren't open to criticism and aren't willing to change. If you would rather have a private Critique by Harriet, take a class by her or perhaps her online course, visit her site at http://www.harrietschock.com. I suggest, if you haven't participated before, that you read one from a previous week to get up to speed on how it all works. Good luck and get involved!

Post your Week 55 entries below! (see previous weeks entries for examples and formats)

IMPORTANT!: Being chosen isn't what this is all about. Sometimes Harriet chooses the very best lyric/mp3, sometimes the very worst and other times one from the middle of the pack. You can't read into much by focusing on who was chosen. It's all about what YOU think of the work, how you would critique it (make sure when you point out a weakness, you offer a suggested way to fix the problem, or if you offer a compliment, you explain why that thing worked for you. There is no risk on being right or wrong about what you say in your critique. It's just a learning experience and a darn good one. If you go back and read previous sessions (they are ALL saved on this board) you'll find a tremendous wealth of tip of lessons shared and plenty to think about. The idea is that learning to critique others will make it far easier for you to avoid those same mistakes in your own work, or start (or continue) using the cool tips and tricks your learn to make your work all the better. The lyric or mp3 that is chosen is simply a bonus part of the process (i.e. 1 gets a lot of feedback) but it isn't the point of it all. So if you're not willing to critique whichever one is chosen (if it isn't yours) then you shouldn't bother to post something for consideration. You'd be missing the entire point and taking a rather selfish pathway that in the end will do you more harm than good.

When done right, this is the best learning exercise we've ever done. But doing it right is really all up to those participating.

We need at least 20 people participating to move forward. If we don't have 20 or more folks posting something by Feb 5th, we may postpone the process until we do.

Have fun and happy learning all!

Brian

I'll bite. One I'm currently on...A few mistakes scattered in the recording.


http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10209917

Daydream of the Past

V1

You used to say Dad you're not strapped in,
You used to ask me can I tuck you in,
We brushed our teeth we combed our hair,
Did it all together as a father-daughter pair.

CH

But now you're all grown up and on your own,
The only time we talk is on the phone,
Those good ol' years went by too fast,
Sometimes I daydream of the past.

V2

At age 16 you got your car,
Brought home a boy the football star,
You were in love and we stopped hangin' out,
I stayed strong what being a Dad is all about.

CH-repeat

BR

You came to visit yesterday,
Said you're moving to L.A.,
You're gonna start a family,
And you'll always love me.

V3

Got a card from you you're having a kid,
I hope you have as much fun as I did.
CH-repeat

2011

Post deleted by tim houlihan

Here's my go:

http://soundcloud.com/fais54/01-chop-it-up

CHOP IT UP - Stefan Faison
(c) 2009

(CHORUS)
Chop it up now, chop chop chop it up
Chop it up now, w-w-what's up?
Chop it up now, chop chop chop it up
Chop it up.
(2x)

Hold me down like you know you're supposed to.
Make me cry when you know that you want to.
Make me move and show that I love ya.
Chop it up.

(BRIDGE)
(Chop it up girl, chop chop chop it up)
Hold me down and show me whats up
(Chop it up now, chop chop chop it up)
Love me know we don't even gotta touch

I know why you want me baby, I know why you want me shorty
I know why you need me baby, chop it up now chop chop chop it up.

(CHORUS)

Kiss me now like you know you're supposed to.
Love me know (4x)
Love me know (2x), Don't know how
Don't say wow!

(BRIDGE)
(CHORUS)

Love me now, hold me close.
Don't let go, oh.

Chop it up, chop chop chop it up
Chop it up, you know just what's up
Chop it up, chop chop chop it up

(CHORUS)

Glad to see this crank up again. I am doing www.fawm.org and www.rpmchallenge.com this month, so I won't post a lyric/song -- but I'll read along!

Kevin

Hi,
This is a lyric only submission as I have not developed the melody for this one yet.I have it posted over on Lyric Board 1 already and have been getting some feedback..Would also like to know if it has the potential to be taken as a serious song(with the right music,of course)..or if it should remain just what it started as which was just a practice exercise.... Thanks





I'm Just Not Famous Yet (C)2011 Michelle Ott Chapman


(V)I write songs about life
and songs about how I feel
I write songs about husbands and wives
songs about things that are real
You probably havent heard of me
you wouldnt recognize my Name
I 'm Just another wanna be
To you they're all the same

But....

(C) come one day youre gonna know me
you'll hear me everywhere
my songs will top the charts
this to you I swear
Come one day youre gonna know Me
on that you can place your bet
I'm taking over the airwaves
I'm just not famous yet

(V)Rebas gonna sing my songs
and Miranda might sing a few
If Carrie Underwoods too busy
then Martina will have to do
I write songs that make you dance
and songs that make you feel
you havent heard me yet
but someday soon you will

cuz....

(C)come one day youre gonna know me
you'll hear me everywhere
my songs will top the charts
this to you I swear
Come one day youre gonna know Me
on that you can place your bet
I'm taking over the airwaves
I'm just not famous yet



(B)I'm gonna chase this dream of mine
to the highest heights
there's gonna come a day
when you'll see my name in lights
and when my time is done here
and you read my epitaph
you are gonna think to yourself
I shoulda got her autograph

cuz
(C)come one day youre gonna know me
you'll hear me everywhere
my songs will top the charts
this to you I swear
Come one day youre gonna know Me
on that you can place your bet
I'm taking over the airwaves
I'm just not famous yet


(T)so no you've never heard of me,
and no we havent met
but I'm gonna make the bigtime soon
I'm just not famous yet _________________________

Post deleted by nightengale

Great to see you back, Harriet!

I've been sitting on this one for a couple of weeks - some of the ladies of JPF have graciously agreed to do the backing vocals. Soon as they all come in the ones of mine you hear on this will be replaced.

In the meantime, the song is still on my radar, which means I'd be open to making changes.

EDIT 2/12: New version posted with backing vocals by Gwen, Joice, Linda, Ricki, Tammy and Wendy.

Thanks Be To You is here:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=377550&songID=10095634

Lyric is below. Thanks!


Thanks Be To You
(c) 2010 by S.W. Campbell

If you ever saw me humbled and didn’t offer me your hand
Because you saw in me the strength to carry through
And if you ever let me stumble because you knew that I would stand
Oooooo, Thanks be to you

If you ever saw me act unwisely and didn’t offer me relief
When I had to face the reckoning that came due
And if you ever criticized me when to do so brought you grief
Oooooo, Thanks be to you

Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you

(Instrumental verse)

Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you

If you ever said goodbye to me, though you wished for me to stay
Because you knew I had some walking left to do
And if you smiled through the lie to me as you kissed me on my way
Oooooo, Thanks be to you

Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you

Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you
Thanks be to you

Oooooo, Thanks be to you

HiDee Mz Harriet...You've been missed/THANK YOU and BRIAN for getting this Launched Again! (As usual, I've got TONS of stuff in-progress.) Here's one that's progressed into the Demo State, thanks to JPFer Robert Pickens, who snatched it from obscurity last week ago..& made it soar. (& is now Co-Writer.)

It's at Bob Pickens' BFPICKENS Soundclick.com site, if this URL doesn't work as-planned: <http://soundclick.com/single_player.cfm?songid=10218557&q=hi> We're still fine-tooth-combing lyrics & melody...

"LEAVIN'"

So This is How The Story Ends:
We'll Go Back to Bein' Friends
& Love Between Us..Not Again..
Now That You're LEAVIN'...

Such an Anger In Your Eyes
We Gave It Tons of One-More-Tries
There'll Be No Need to Kiss-Goodbye..
Now That You're LEAVIN'...

(BRIDGE 1)
We Were 2 Different People From The Start
Held-Together What Life Tore-Apart
Our Lives Shared a Moment..A Moment in Time
Now You Head Your Way..& I'll Be Headin' Mine...

Oh Yes, There'll be A Few Regrets
No One Compares to You..Not Yet
(But) We'll Live Through This..You Bet
Now That You're LEAVIN'...

& Though We're Both Too-Proud To Cry
We'll Recover..By-&-By
& Those Little Voices Keep-Askin' "WHY"?
Now That You're LEAVIN'...

(BRIDGE 2)
We Were 2 Different People From The Start
Always Patchin'-Up What Life Tore-Apart
One Always Sank..While The Other Climbed
Now You're Headin' Your Way..& I'll Be Fine
{ADD:} I'll Be Fine...

(OUTRO)
You Can Leave & Go Your Way
I Finally Got It In My Mind:
It's OVER...

(TAG)
Now That You're LEAVIN'...
Now That You're LEAVIN'...
Now That You're LEAVIN'

(C) 2011 by Stan Good & Robert Pickens/BMI
All Rights Reserved.

BOY HOWDY! I've been looking forward to this.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10193897

MIRROR
©Ricki E. Bellos

You’re not looking for answers
Just someone to blame
For another betrayal
And this ice in your veins
You live without feeling
And say it’s enough
Where is love
Where is love

Look in the mirror what do you see
Behind the fear just out of reach
Cut through the lies you keep telling the world
What do you see when you look in the mirror

It comes down to this moment
You can’t tell what’s right
Life’s lost its meaning
You’re fresh out of fight
You suffer in silence
At the end of the road
Where is hope
Where is hope

Look in the mirror what do you see
Behind the fear just out of reach
Cut through the lies you keep telling the world
What do you see

Look in the mirror what do you see
Behind the fear just out of reach
Cut through the lies you keep telling the world
What do you see
You hold the key
What do you see when you look in the mirror

Hey Harriet,

I'm real glad to see you back
This feature is awesome., Thanks to you and to Brian!
Here's my contribution.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10226558

EVERYDAY SOLDIER
Copyright October 6th, 2010 Yann Causeret
All rights reserved

VERSE 1
The sun’s not up yet; she’s folding shirts and making coffee
Her tea’s getting cold like every morning
The twins are still in bed; school’s on the other side of this town
One minute late at work, she heard the warning

Her husband just don’t get it if she goes to sleep at once
She’s got to let him watch the wings of an endless war

CHORUS
CUZ SHE NEEDS TO BE A WARRIOR, FORGIVING ARMS BUT IRON STRONG
ON DUTY DAY AND NIGHT, SHE’S GOT NO RIGHT TO DO IT WRONG
SHE DOESN’T CARE FOR MEDALS; JUST A THANK YOU AND HIS SHOULDER
WILL GIVE THIS FIGHTER THE FEELING THAT SHE’S REALLY WON – SHE’S AN EVERYDAY SOLDIER
EVERYDAY SOLDIER

VERSE 2
3 hours into the night – she spoke her wounds in words like fire
Her eyes are burning now like every evening
She wants a better life; the ring he gave her says ‘don’t give up!’
Her dreams are hidden somewhere, she won’t stop believing

Her husband will sure get it if he reads his love’s war letter
They’ll take the fight together till the final victory

CHORUS
CUZ SHE NEEDS TO BE A WARRIOR, FORGIVING ARMS BUT IRON STRONG
ON DUTY DAY AND NIGHT, SHE’S GOT NO RIGHT TO DO IT WRONG
SHE DOESN’T CARE FOR MEDALS; JUST A THANK YOU AND HIS SHOULDER
WILL GIVE THIS FIGHTER THE FEELING THAT SHE’S REALLY WON – SHE’S AN EVERYDAY SOLDIER
AN EVERYDAY SOLDIER

BRIDGE
Today the man she loves, got up ahead of sunrise
And they’re now laying plans to win this daily battle

CHORUS
AND SHE’S GLAD TO BE A WARRIOR, FORGIVING ARMS BUT IRON STRONG
ON DUTY DAY AND NIGHT, SHE’S GOT NO RIGHT TO DO IT WRONG
HE GAVE HER MORE THAN A MEDAL; JUST A THANK YOU AND HIS SHOULDER
THIS WOMAN NOW GOT THE FEELING THAT SHE’S REALLY WON – SHE’S AN EVERYDAY SOLDIER
EVERYDAY SOLDIER

ENDING
SHE’S AN EVERYDAY SOLDIER
EVERYDAY SOLDIER

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OdFJQbrQ4E


Just a rough acapella version of what I am hoping to do with this one. The moon is a permanent fixture in the sky, it has overseen eons of romance and loneliness, and it moves souls in strange ways, as well as oceans in tides over which we have no control. ENJOY...more to come soon..hopefully.



I'll Love You to The Moon And Back.

Verse 1-

The moon is an old friend
for the lonesome to talk to
it moves human tides
full of passion and tears,
as well as the oceans
for millions of years.

Verse 2-

While all around lover's
are wooed by its brilliance
and lonely souls walk,
hugless against the cold,
yet comforted by its
warm face high above.

Verse-3

We all have some craters
in our lives
like the moon does
vast pits of despair,
faces scarred from collisions,
with some out of this world love,
being smashed into pieces
in the depths of our hearts.

Chorus

I've no need for moon Rivers,
Cause I've cried Oh, so many,
I need a heavenly body,
here on earth, not up there
Tell me moon is there any....
one with love left to share?

verse 4-

We are all meant to gravitate
being pulled towards each other,
very much like the moon's
swayed by earths gravity.
But sometimes we're destined
to enter the dark side,
cold, bitter, and bleaker,
then black holes far above
till we find our way back
to the sweet light of love.

Verse 5-

So we talk and we mutter,
or we gossip and sputter,
to this ancient companion,
who has overseen
eons of romance below...
blowing kisses long distance
to love's we'll never know.

Chorus

I've no need for moon Rivers,
Cause I've cried Oh, so many,
I need a heavenly body,
here on earth, not up there
Tell me moon is there any
one's love left to share?

Final verse-

All the moon
brings is comfort
in knowing that somewhere,
someone else is conversing
with the moon when their low.
Some souls who remain
just as lonely as we are,
and maybe perchance
fate might deem
that we meet them
and share the sweet bliss
of a long denied kiss
'neath the moons
warmest glows.

Repeat chorus-


ArtWhimdically Yours Studio
MFB III Productions
(c)-2010

Glad to see this up!

The song is titled "How Did You Get (What You Came For)" and the mp3 is available at:
http://ashwednesdaymusic.com/howdidyouget.mp3

V1
Swing for the hills, swing for the rafters
See what you get, I know what your after
Falling so fast, how does it fall so slow

BR
Fingers bleed out
Something in your mind
I think you better weed out now

V2
Mouth full of trash she caught from the ashtray
Stains on her dress she was saving for Sunday
Haunted and high, how do you get so low

BR
Hold in, breathe out
Something in your mind
I think you better weed out now

CH
Got a picture in your head and a ring on your finger now
If we don't make it out, we'll make it anyhow
Found something new, you gotta make a name for
You get what you get when you get what you came for
How did you get
How did you get me

V3
Closes her eyes, sways to the record now
See you next year

BR
Fingers bleed out
Something on your mind
I think you better weed out now

CH
Got a picture in your head and a ring on your finger now
If we don't make it out, we'll make it anyhow
Found something new, you gotta make a name for
You get what you get when you get what you came for
How did you get
How did you get me

How did you get
How did you get me

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10210245

Daddy Wore a Green Beret
Nathan A. Baker/Arthur Holt
(c)2011 All Rights Reserved

Verse 1
I remember his children crying
That warm June day in sixty-nine
Daddy had to go to war
A soldier has to toe the line

Verse 2
This wasn't his first time
He'd served three tours before
Sometimes life has no rhyme
Or reason to be sure

Chorus
U.S. Army Special Forces
Men of flesh and blood
Dedicated to their choices
Working for good
They'll give their all for Liberty
Live free or die young
Until his dying day
Daddy wore a Green Beret

Verse 3
November found him on a hill
Besieged on his birthday
Artillery coming in for the kill
His bunker was blown away

Verse 4
Team mates thought him dead
But from the ashes he arose
Like Lazarus he returned to us
He's our real time hero

Chorus
U.S. Army Special Forces
Men of flesh and blood
Dedicated to their choices
Working for good
They'll give their all for Liberty
Live free or die young
Until his dying day
Daddy wore a Green Beret

Bridge
Forty-two years later
Molecular mines explode
Dioxins are man killers
They carry a heavy load

Chorus
U.S. Army Special Forces
Men of flesh and blood
Dedicated to their choices
Working for good
They'll give their all for Liberty
Live free or die young
Until his dying day
Daddy wore a Green Beret

Tag
Until his dying day
Daddy wore a Green Beret

(c)2011

This is something I wrote in October and want to fine-tune. I don't have a recording of it. I have not been able to do much lately due to health problems, but I am getting back into writing and critiquing. The Capital letters following each line are the chords. If they are a distraction, I will remove them.

"A Little Bit Crazy" by David L. Woolacoot

I’m a little bit crazy C
But that’s okay C
There ain’t nobody’s rules I obey C G
I’m a little misread G
But it’s all good G
Let’s just say I’m misunderstood G C

I’m a little bit crazy C
But I’m unique C
There ain’t nobody anywhere like me C G
I’m a little bit wild G
And untamed G
Nobody can call me lame G C

Some people in this world look down on me F C
Based on how I look and act G C
I’ll bet their lives are boring beyond belief F C
Crazy is where it’s at D G

I’m a little bit crazy C
But I don’t care C
I ain’t got no crosses to bear C G
I’m a little naïve G
But I’m still cool G
I sure as hell ain’t anybody’s fool G C

(Solo)

Some people in this world look down on me F C
Based on how I look and act G C
I’ll bet their lives are boring beyond belief F C
Crazy is where it’s at D G

I’m a little bit crazy C
But that’s okay C
That’s the way that I intend to stay C G
I’m a little bizarre G
But life’s just fine G
I’m having one hell of a time G C

A little bit crazy C
A little bit crazy C
A little bit crazy C
Just a little bit C (abrupt end)

This is the first song I think that I actually finished during my short songwriting career, back last May.

http://tinyurl.com/38dw64y

She loves me --------------------------------------------------------

Sending back your wine and roses.
One door opens then it closes.
She won’t let you stick your nose in.
She won’t do what you’re supposing.
See her walking, how she dances.
Sends the watching crowd in trances.
Which one is the one she fancies.
Does she know your circumstances.
But she………….. loves me.

She picks up my fallen ego.
She’s my shield wherever we go.
Like a magnet, will attract you,
but she’s not yours to come back to.
In the valley of the shadow
she will walk the straight and narrow.
In loves deep and in its shallows
she’s the eagle and the sparrow.
And she…………..loves me.

What’s the point in feeling badly?
What your after ain’t there sadly.
I was there when she was choosing.
You were elsewhere.
That’s not loosing.

(instrumental)

I see now you’re contemplating
could it be she’s hesitating?
Is she leaving? Is she staying?
Listen to what she is saying
Sending back your wine and roses.
One door opens then it closes.
In loves deep and in its shallows
she’s my eagle and my sparrow.
And she………………loves me.

(repeat three times)

A guitar blues without a tune.


HOMETOWN BLUES

by Lee Arten
(c) 2010 Lee Arten
All Rights Reserved

Driving down Main in my old hometown.
Lots of things seem changed around.
Could just be seeing in a different way.
I've been gone longer than the counted days.
Got the hometown blues.
Got the hometown blues...

Guitar solo.

My old room seems too small for me.
Colder than I remember it used to be.
Might be 'cause my baby is far, far, away.
Can't see her for 14 more long days.
Got the hometown blues.
Got the hometown blues...

Guitar solo.

Tried to call Joe and my old buddy Bill.
Nobody home, so I got more time to kill.
Tried the old band, planning to sit in.
On tour, playing in a warmer wind.
Got the hometown blues.
Got the hometown blues...

Guitar solo.

When you don't fit in your old town.
The hometown blues'll turn your head around.
Hometown blues.
Hometown blues...

Guitar out.

Lyric Only! Country song.:)

Don’t Give Up On Me

Verse 1
I’m hamm’rin outa town again
Workin’ the gulf coast beach
Moonlight’s dancin’ ‘cross Spanish moss
Peeking out through the trees
I’m thankful for the job
Even though it’s just four weeks
No matter what your friends say
Don’t give up on me

Verse 2
Sweatin’ out a livin’s tough
When all you do’s construction
Movin’ ‘round from town to town
Already pawned my Gibson
Your family warned you
I’d never amount to anybody
But I got an ace up my sleeve
So don’t give up on me

Chorus
Honey, don’t give up on me
We’ll land back on our feet
Be the glue that holds us together
(And) I promise you it’ll get better
You and the kids are my reason for breathin’
So don’t give up on me

Verse 3
I saw the Goodwill shopping bags
And kids hand-me-down clothes
I can ‘bout hear your mama now
Sayin’ honey, I told ya so
It ain’t ‘posed to be this way
Lord knows it ain’t been easy
But I’m steady wearin’ a prayer
So don’t give up on me

Chorus

Bridge
It’ll be alright, hang on tight
We’ll rise above this wall
I know the carpenter upstairs
He didn’t bring us this far to fall

Chorus

Dottie Corley
Copyright: All Rights Reserved
Registered: Thu Aug 26 14:48:42 UTC 2010

This is a brand new quick write for FAWM....with a rough demo. Looking forward to participating in this thread again.

Back to Texas

Back to Texas Copyright ©2011 Colin Ward

V1
Haven’t been to Texas in a long while,
Memories of good times keep on haunting me,
Fact is I should probably have stayed there,
But when I thought I wasn’t wanted,
Became a Texas refugee

Chorus
Miles and miles of nowhere to the next town on the map,
I’ll find the rundown ranch house where you hang your cowgirl hat,
A hundred in the shade, a shimmer in the distance,
I could go back to Texas if you did not resist it

V2
Thinking back, I gave up much too easy,
I walked away but kept you on my mind,
My pickup’s pointed east in Arizona
I don’t know if I’m wanted,
But I’m no refugee

Chorus 2
Miles and miles of nowhere to the next town on the map,
I know the rundown ranch house where you hang your cowgirl hat,
A hundred in the shade, a shimmer in the distance,
I’m going back to Texas, I hope you don’t resist it

Bridge
So I’ll be at your door by Tuesday morning,
Wondering if you’ll invite me in,
Might be a mistake, a Texas sized ache ,
They say you can’t go home again

Chorus 2

Lyric only

Dead Balloons
Mike Parrish

Verse 1
The helium has seeped
From the "I heart you balloons"
Also from the ones that
Wished in vain you'd get well soon
Now they're tangled in their ribbons
Laying on this sterile floor
As my mind jumps back and forth
Between the now and the before

Chorus
I can see you in the spring time
I can smell your sweet perfume
Picking flowers on a creek bank
Sipping honeysuckle blooms
Then it's back into the harshness
Of this cold hospital room
Littered with remnants
Of a dozen dead balloons

Verse 2
I gather your belongings
On a stainless steel cart
With my emotions as deflated
As your over burdened heart
The nurse gives me a moment
One last glance at "can't believe"
The balloons still lightly scattered
Like early autumn leaves

Repeat chorus

10 MINUTES PAST FAILSAFE
Tim Houlihan

VERSE 1-

FLYING IN A JET AT THIRTY- THOU,
HOW STRANGE IS IT TO LOOK DOWN ON CLOUDS?
1000 MILES OUT WHERE THE EARTH LOOKS SMALL,
HOW STRANGE IS IT TO LOOK DOWN AT US ALL?

CHORUS
DO WE GO TOO FAR?
DO WE GO TOO FAST?
DO WE KNOW TOO MUCH?
HAVEN’T WE GONE TEN MINUTES PAST FAIL SAFE?


VERSE 2-
SAFETY MEASURED IN MEGATONS,
HOW STRANGE IS IT TO AIM THE SUN?
PEER THROUGH THE WALLS OF THE TINIEST CELLS,
HOW STRANGE IS IT TO CREATE OURSELVES?

CHORUS
DO WE GO TOO FAR?
DO WE GO TOO FAST?
DO WE KNOW TOO MUCH?
HAVEN’T WE GONE TEN MINUTES PAST FAILSAFE

BRIDGE-
WE’VE TURNED OUR WORLD OVER TO PEOPLE
IN LAB COATS WITH LAPTOPS
AND NOW, THERE’S NO TURNING BACK X4
AND NOW, THERE’S NO TURNING BACK X4

CHORUS
WE’VE GONE TOO FAR
WE WENT TOO FAST
WE LEARNED TOO MUCH
AND NOW WE’VE GONE TEN MINUTES PAST FAIL SAFE

DO THIS WHOLE THING TWICE-THE FIRST TIME SOFTER-THE SECOND TIME BOOMING-THE ORGAN I WANT IS THE SANTANA SOUND- A LOT OF ORGAN SOLO

Hi Folks,

We're still a little short on Entries. I'll adjust the dates once we get at least a few more people. (We have 17.. but that was for the bare minimum). If we don't have 20 by the end of the week we'll regroup and decide what's next.

Thanks,

Brian

Hi Harriet,

It's really great to see you are still hanging in there with us!




Ever-winding Road (On the way back home)

Sung by Heather Cowels

http://www.songramp.com/mod/mps/viewtrack.php?trackid=57361

It’s like I never left that morning
But everything around here’s changed
Haven’t slept in this bed since I left that day….
Mamma’s got breakfast going
Humming a little song….
I can tell I’ve been missed somethin’ strong…

(Lift)

It took a while to find my way…
But now I’m back…
Back to stay……

Chorus

Well I’ve done some growin’ up
Since I left this one-bar town….
And everywhere I’ve been seems to lead me back to now
I left to find myself but almost lost my soul
On an ever-winding road on the way back home

As I walk down by the river
I can feel my heart start to drift…
To a time when a young boy stole a kiss
Etched our names in an old moss-tree
Made a vow to marry me…
We rode into the sunset too early….

(Lift)

There are ghosts’ of dreams I’ve chased
Written here
On my face…

Chorus repeats

2nd part Chorus

I had to learn straw-houses never stand the wind
Pick up the pieces and move on build again….
I left to find myself but almost lost my soul
On an ever-winding road on the way back home….

On this ever-winding road on the way back home……


Dana L. Matthews June 22nd 2007 © All Rights Reserved

I'll throw my name in the hat if I may...

This might be a strange one to read but hopefully the changing narrative will become clear in the recording (hence the Unreliable Narrator).

http://soundcloud.com/the-unreliable-narrator/the-ballad-of-rosie-lane

The Ballad of Rosie Lane

They said her name was Rosie Lane
Mother of an only son
He got sick, she asked the devil
To save the one
He made a deal he save the child
If she’d forsake the love of men
She agreed for the sake of the boy
She would never love again

Over time the boy grew strong
Soon he became of age
Her belly burned and her heart grew cold
Overcome by the Devils rage
The last thing he heard, she screamed ‘I love you’
Grabbed a hammer and swung it at his head
He lay bleeding, she knelt by him weeping
‘The man I loved is dead’

The Devil laughed from down below
‘We made a deal for the boy to survive
If you try to love again
I will make you take their life’
So she lived alone on the moors
Hoping no man would come around
But one winter she knew she couldn’t last
She took her love to town

Selling her body to the lonely men
Hoping that she’d never fall in love
But they fought for her affection
Until one day she’d had enough
The last thing they heard, she screamed ‘I love you’
Grabbed a hammer and swung it at their heads
They laid there bleeding, she knelt by the weeping
‘The men I loved are dead’

I found her weeping by shady grove
I said ‘Petty girl, why do you cry
You’re the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen’
She says ‘Don’t pursue me, you’ll surely die’
‘I won’t chase if you’ll eat with me tonight
I won’t make no advance’
But once I had her all alone
I made my intentions for romance

She sings:
My dear I’m afraid you didn’t hear what they say
I can never love again
My heart is bethroved to the devils throne
All that I’ve loved I have slain
So don’t ask for my hand, you can’t comprehend
It will only cause pain
But as you whisper my dear, it all becomes clear
That I will kill again

The last thing I heard, she screamed ‘I love you’
Grabbed a hammer and swung it at my head
I lay bleeding, she knelt by me weeping
‘The man I loved is dead’

My dear I’m afraid you didn’t hear what they say
I am your judge and jury
And for those that have died you must be tried
And I’ve found you guilty
As we sat down to dine I poisoned your wine
You might say justice tastes dry
But as you slip from the glass, I’ll toast I’m the last
As soon you’ll lay down and die

OK, I'll bite.

SOMERSAULTS AND SUMMER NIGHTS
©2008 Steven M. Biederman
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=7577356

Summer nights and fireflies
backyard cookouts, chigger bites
you were always by my side
every summer's eve
Mayflies spun their streetlight dance
spotlight tag and grass stained pants
kids too young to know romance
so friends were what we'd be

Chorus
And we turned somersaults at night
right out back in the kitchen light
somersaults all night
rollin round the clover as the world turned over
somersaults and summer nights

High school dances, valentines
graduation out all night
both too scared to verbalize
that we'd soon have to leave
College dorm rooms lonely times
home for Summer, June /July
I asked you to be my bride
and you said yes to me

Chorus
And we turned somersaults that night
Right out back in the kitchen light
somersaults all night
rollin round the clover as the world turned over
somersaults and summer nights

Bridge
Funny how the years fly by
weddings turn to lullabies
you could always read my mind
are you thinking same as me
Get the kid's pajamas on
meet me out back on the lawn
I'll make sure the lights turned on
just like it used to be

Chorus
And we'll turn somersaults tonight
right out back in the kitchen light
somersaults all night
rollin round the clover as the world turns over
somersaults and summer nights

rollin round the clover as the world turns over
somersaults and summer nights

Here's one I'll toss into the hopper to help out.

Stoned
copyright Dan Sullivan 2011

There's the sad smell of cheap perfume
Hangin' in the air
A few ashtray of what's left
Of whoever was here
Now he's gone and I'm home
But it don't feel like home
Keep on sleepin' baby
I guess I'll get stoned

Stoned, I'll get stoned
Stoned as a body can be
Feelin' all alone
I guess I'll get stoned

The last few weeks or so
You ain't had much to say
And when I'm talkin' to you
You look the other way
I should have known long before
You finally let me know
Now sure as hell I can tell
I'm gonna get stoned

Stoned, I'll get stoned
Stoned as a body can be
Feelin' all alone
I guess I'll get stoned

Deleting "Yesterday Ghost".

This song was rewritten and composed at fawm so I don't feel it would be fair to the cowriter to have it critiqued because it's changed, and the new version likely will not be recomposed other than a banjo that will be added.

If this board is still taking songs in an hour or so, I'll replace it with another song that I'm just finishing more changes on.

Changes good enough for now I guess




Whipoorwill Waltze

(c) 2011 Geneva Griffin

Verse 1
When her Johnny went to war, she had his promise and his ring,
He sent a year of love letters, left decades of vacant dreams,
From her front porch rocker slumber, she dream't 'bout those nights,
Awoke from sixty years gone by, to sounds in the midnight sky....

Chorus
The call of the whipoorwill,
Cried from on high..
It whistled in the wind,
Tonight would be the night....
She'd fly away, on his strong wings..
....That sound meant everything....
She'd waited a lifetime to waltz,
To the whipoorwill's call....

Verse 2
Though shufflin' from her rocker, she danced to the old porch swing,
She cuddled in her comforter, as the whipoorill began singin'..
She felt a presence slip beside her, as a star fell burnin' bright,
Johnny'd always kept his word, he'd be back when the time was right....

Chorus
The call of the whipoorwill,
Cried from on high..
It whistled in the wind,
Tonight would be the night..
She'd fly away, on his strong wings..
....That sound meant everything....
She'd waited a lifetime to waltz,
To the whipoorwill's call....

Bridge
She closed her eyes in the arms of her young man..
She'd be found at peace.. with a feather in her hand....

Chorus
The call of the whipoorwill,
Cried from on high..
It whistled in the wind,
Tonight would be the night....
She'd fly away, on his strong wings..
....That sound meant everything....
She'd waited a lifetime to waltz,
To the whipoorwill's call....

Tag
She'd waited a lifetime.... for the whipoowills song....

I'll submit this for consideration
My Forevergirl (c) Rick Goggin 2008

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=15523&songID=10269509

My Forevergirl
V1
you're my angel eyes, the beauty in my life,
the music in my soul, a million stars to hold.

the answer to my prayers, the reason that i care,
the wonder of it all,the one whose name i call.

so I just wanna say, that I love you more today,
you're the center of my world...my forevergirl.
V2
you're the smile thats on my face, all elegance and grace,
the girl who'll always be, the sweetheart of my dreams.

the one who I adore, who leaves me wanting more,
the love that fills my soul, the half that makes me whole.

and ive just gotta say, that I love you more today,
you're the one who spins my world...my forevergirl.

br
when we met it was perfect, I was your knight who saved the day.
and when you gave your heart to me, I was really blown away.

V3
I gave you all of me, you gave me ecstasy,
you loved me for the good, the bad you understood.

you looked me in the eyes, you saw the man inside,
you won me with a smile, you make it all worthwhile.

so Ive just gotta say, girl I love you more today.
you;re the one love in my world...my forevergirl.

I hope it's not too late to put up a lyric for consideration, my computer had been acting up, it is one me and my music coll. have struggled with a long while.
He feels its not "special" enough yet, lyrically, and now it makes him think of Miranda Lambert's song, The House that Built me, though this was written far before I ever heard that song. I would love opinion on how to improve this one, make it more special. Thanks for your consideration~~ Kimberly

you can hear a rough draft of it here

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=9369544


The Home Place

I stand on the front porch at my home place one last time
It breaks my heart to see Sold on that sign
and memories flood my mind as I step through the door
As the ghosts of my childhood drift up from the floor

There's a dusty blue vase sitting on the windowsill
It hasn't held mama's roses in years
That old wood stove's missing a pot of pinto beans
And the quilt in the rocker needs a baby's dreams

Chorus
My eyes'll grow a little misty saying goodbye to daddy's land
It's gonna be hard putting my key in a stranger's hand
And when I carry my last box of my lifetime through that door
The home place won't be a part of my family anymore

Then I walk beside the remnants of the rusty barbed wire fence
Now tangled with honeysuckle and it's familiar scent
That backyard's where daddy taught me how to hit a ball
The attic window's still broken, man, I caught it all

I remember making myself dizzy on that tire swing
that summer when lightening struck my fort in the tree
the pasture where we slide through on our sleighs
Funny how the cold didn't matter back in that day

Repeat Chorus

Bridge
When I step into my old room again
I can see where my Dodgers posters went
I remember how mama always told me goodnight
How dad would smoke his pipe and teach me about life

Repeat chorus

Tag
Yeah, life keeps changing and some good things pass
But the memories of our home place will last..
Yes, the memories of our home place will last

© Kimberly Hales Kime
2010
Music/Vocals Curt Collins

A jelly rolls style blues/folk that I wrote a couple years ago
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=8912814


Gonna see my baby tonight - Dan O'Connell (copyright BMI)


Drivin down the highway headin back to LA
I'm off to see my baby gonna make it a day
A body made for lovin, eyes are burning bright
I'm gonna see my baby tonight

Chorus

Red hot red hot what do you say
making love all night and day
try some things in unusal ways
and I'm gonna see my baby tonight
Chorus

Three long weeks since I held her tight
we'll set the sheet on fire we can do it all night
my raven haired beauty, you always treat me right
and I'm gonna see my baby tonight

Chorus

Three long weeks I been sleepin alone
forget about the suitcase I don't need any cloths
she's and angel born in heaven from her head to her toes
and I'm gonna see my baby tonight.


Chorus

Okay.. we have 25 entries.. that's good enough to move forward. I need to contact Harriet to make sure she's still available and on what time frame. If she isn't, we'll ask another Mentor to fill in. I will give her a call tomorrow.

Thanks all, I am locking this for new entries. The next step is to have the mentor Pick this sessions MP3 or Lyric. Then we have all of you involved do your own critique. It doesn't matter how experienced you are and you don't have to agree with anyone. Remember, the "Best" or "Worst" mp3/lyric may not be chosen on purpose, but rather the one that the mentor feels makes the most interesting discussion topic. Sometimes it is the best, sometimes the worst, but most of the time it's somewhere in between. This isn't a place for back pats, but rather constructive criticism (meaning you point out of flaw and off alternative type suggestions and explain why you feel it doesn't work. If you think it's perfect as is, then tell us what works and why. The idea is to LEARN how to dissect someone else's work, and compare that with a professional writers thoughts so you can take what you learned back with you to your own work in the future.

Stay tuned for this sessions choices hopefully in the next day or two.

Brian

PS: If you are chosen, you can't comment until AFTER the mentor posts their message.

I sent Harriet a note today. I will post her choice as soon as I hear back from here. I changed the dates above and hopefully if she has time to check out the entries today we can start member critiques tomorrow. If she can't do it, I will find a replacement ASAP.

Once we have a choice picked out, please help me wrangle all the participants to post their critiques.

Thanks,

Brian