JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 REWRITE (2) -- (Heart Wrenching, Ego-Bustin' Feedback Desired)

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all the previous input and suggestions!
Here is my re-write based on the great feedback
I've gotten.

Still a work in progress, and would appreciate
any other comments or suggestions.

Thanks,
Sterling

-----------------------------

Genre: Country

Running Out Of Time (v3)
(c) 2010 Sterling Winterhalter

VERSE 1
It used to be just looking in your eyes
Took my breath away and made me smile
You used to think I could do anything
But haven't thought that for a while
When we were alone together
We'd end up in a passionate embrace
Now the laptop and remote control
Has taken passion's place

CHORUS
Don't know if it's all over
We've tried to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
It may be runnin' out of time

VERSE 2
Laughing in my arms 'til midnight
Making love and sharing dreams
Flying high above ordinary life
How very long ago that seems
Gone is all the sweet romance
The mid-day rendezvous
And sexy glance
How I miss just holding hands
The way we used to do

CHORUS
Don't know if it's all over
We've tried to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
It may be runnin' out of time

BRIDGE
Can't help but wonder if you realize
How much the tenderness we've lost
To rekindle love we've got to pay the price
And we'll have to count the cost


VERSE 3
We don't have to let our love just slip away
Don't want to say goodbye
Baby let's not wait another day
I'm willing to try

CHORUS
Don't know if it's all over
We try to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
It may be runnin' out of time

Our love just keeps growing colder
It may be runnin' out of time
(Repeat to end)


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Hi Sterling,
Most of this is good, but a few things did stand out.
1. At first I didn't like the "I could run any race..." line, but now I see that it ties into your chorus. You could tie it in even more with an idea that you're running to the end of this romance, but this is a race you don't want to win. You could even put it into your chorus instead of repeating the last two lines:
We're both racing from our romance.
We've nearly reached the finish line.
Cause' we're not getting any closer (or you could go "Each day the end gets closer...)
Our love is running out of time.

2. Good lines: Now the laptop and remote control
Has taken passion's place

3. Verse 2 needs work. I your last quad, you lose the cadence and rhyme structure. (feelin/pretending)

4. You have a progression in your verses from apathy/neglect, to downright hostility. I don't know if that's intentional. But by the 3rd verse you've moved beyond running out of time, to past time to go. Again in your 3rd verse, last quad you lose the rhyme structure, so it stands out, but not necessarily in a good way.

Other than those few things, its a good song.

Laura G.

Howdy Sterling, Gus here. Like Laura said some good parts,& some
weaker areas. The "read between the lines", has really been worked
to death before, & the "finish line" concept laura suggests,
relates much better to your hook. I suggest "win any race" as
stronger at V2 L3. It seems you could streamline a few areas,
to make it more conversational, and simpler to sing.
I'm not usually this ruff except on my friends, who know I
only mean it with the best intentions. But you begged for "Heart
wrenching, Ego Bustin'" constructive comment.....ha ha
this is all JMHO, & I hope it helps out...Yak soon...Gus

P.S. = Please FEEL FREE TO RETURN THE FAVOR, on any and all
of my projects, which you'll find at various stages in the forums.

Laura & Gus,

Thank's much for the constructive and very helpful feedback.
Laura that was an astute observation that the tone of the song
went from apathy to "Get the heck outta my life CHICK!!!" *lol*
I hadn't really noticed the dramatic mood change until you pointed
it out. Gus, thanks for the reality check on "Read between the lines".
That is a bit tired... I really need to go back to the drawing board
on that line and come up with something with more umph.

Laura, I really like the idea of weaving in the concept of the romance
reaching "the finish line" and to put more of an emphasis on
running the race/approaching the finish line. Again, many thanks
to both of you. Good, tough, constructive, critical feedback
really gets my creative wheels turning.

Gus, as you requested, I'll be sure to return the favor :-)
I'll be on the look-out for some of your projects on the forums
and I'll be happy to share my two cents...

Best regards,
Sterling

Hi Sterling,

I'll take your subject line as truth so here goes....
As always a critique is just my opinion, thats it...you keep it or sweep it.

When I hear the title Our love is running out of time I think of death, someone is dying...not breaking up...that being said the chorus is cool but I don't want to hear I's and we's in it...I want to hear how you feel period...

Its over
no more reading between the lines
heres to running out of time...

(something along those lines, again its just what I want to hear)

Verse 1
not sure where race line is leading
(to me doesn't tie into running out of time)
but I do like the laptop line, thats a keeper
Verse 2
I don't feel like you
moved the story forward
its the same as verse 1 (with some good lines)
(flying high above ordinary life
is an interesting line maybe you could get into that more)

lastly verse 3 sounds like a bridge to me
first 3 lines sounds great

maybe make this your verse 2
expand on it. this is real.

Get away from all the reasons why
We've both tried so hard to stay

Thanks for letting me critique your lyric
Good luck with the re write...

Kathy,

Thank you for your incredible feedback! I'm just amazed
at how insightful the feedback is that I'm getting from
other, more experienced, songwriters in this forum...

It really sparks and accelerates your creativity when
another songwriter can help you quickly pinpoint the
flaws and weaknesses in your lyrics and song structure
and even suggest good ideas to resolve them!!!

I feel like I've died and gone to songwriter's heaven!

As a matter of fact, I've incorporated quite a bit of the
feedback already, here's a re-write of the song after
feedback.

It's still a work in progress but I like it much better
than before.

Thanks,
Sterling

-------------

Genre: Country


Love Is Running Out Of Time
(c) 2010 Sterling Winterhalter

CHORUS
Girl we both know that it's all over
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time

VERSE 1
It used to be that looking in your eyes
Made the world fade away and made me smile
You used to think I could do anything
But you haven't thought that for a while
Used to be when we were alone together
It always ended in a passionate embrace
Now the laptop and remote control
Has taken passion's place

CHORUS
Girl we both know that it's all over
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time

VERSE 2
Couldn't wait to come home every night
Hear all about your day
Now it seems that all we do is fight
And can't wait to run away
Run away from disappointed eyes
Run away from all the tears we cried
And run away from the unspoken lie we're living
That neither one of us will say


CHORUS
Girl we both know that it's all over
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time


VERSE 3
Laughing in my arms 'til midnight
Making love and sharing dreams
Flying high above ordinary life
How very long ago that seems
Took some time to get away
Looking for the love we lost, and oh how hard we tried
But soon discovered it's impossible to find
Something that has already died

CHORUS
Girl we both know that it's all over
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time

Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time
(Repeat to end)

Hey its me again...

In general country lyrics are V CH V Ch bridge CH...of course there are different formats but
your 3rd verse isn't giving the song a twist or anything new
thats why I said maybe only the first 3 lines of the 3rd verse cause that seemed to say the whole thing. Sometimes less is more
and I know that is hard (been there...)hmmmm

Ya know I wanna say that the laptop line starts V2 cause you state your case in Vs 1 very well, Vs 2 you show why you feel that way, CH gives the emotional its over. V3 or bridge gives that something extra a quick point just the oh yeah I forgot this

Oh well just thought since you re did so quick I'd read it again.
give my 2 cents.

Nice writing.

i like Kathy's take on this,(she's a very good writer who's worked hard at her craft) and i would add that there are some great lines in this...i think the key is if you could somehow take this and twist it away from this all being negative to where it ends up positive for both of them it would have a better chance at eventually turning out more marketable...there's only been so many natural hits...most of them have been rewritten over and over before we ever hear them, this will have to go through that cut and paste process also...I mention this because most of the listings and publishers i pitch to are looking for positive uptempos...and don't forget this is all subjective stuff, it's your song and we just have opinions of what we might do with it if it were ours to work on...good luck with it...be well...moker

p.s.- where in Florida are you from?

Mocker,

Thank you for the really good feedback. Come to think of it,
even as a listener, I usually don't like Country songs that
are negative or that never turn around in a positive direction.
In fact, I just looked at some of my other lyrics, and that's
definitely something I'm gonna have to fix.

Mocker, I checked out some of your songs on soundclick.com,
and Dude, I almost listened to all 92 of them! Those were
some of the BEST Country songs I've ever heard!!!
No exaggeration...

I checked out some of Kathy's songs too, and WOW! Now, I'm
almost embarrassed to put any more of my songs on this forum,
Man, have I got a looooong way to go... :-)


Sterling

P.S.
By the way, I'm down in Jupiter, FL, just north of
West Palm Beach. But my in-laws are up in the
Ormond Beach area, so I get up that way quite a bit.

The laptop and remote control, along with the cell phone, have now become a more powerful addiction that drugs or alcohol. Maybe the Internet has become the new alcohol in some ways. When a couple grows apart as your characters have, very often, despite one's best efforts at caring, a head-on clash could be unavoidable. One irate character could be spoiling for a fight, and the other is unlikely to back down. However, there can be a peaceful resolution to the conflict if honesty and goodwill are shown by both sides. The only real suggs I have for this one would be to enhance the story line I just provided, which should make for a very strong song.

Peace,
Brian

Sterling, I've fished the Jupiter area for snook at the bridges quite a few times years back...thanks for listenin' to some of my tunes...most of them have been turned down many times...i'm just waiting for the one that breaks through and just once i'd like to have somebody that turned it down say damn i shoulda took that one be well...moker