JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 She Captures the Sun (male vocals) 5090FAWM # 5

Not certain of genre, but certainly one with a romantic feel to it. Maybe even folk or bluegrass?

Your constructive critique is welcome.
Changes in blue.

Donna

She Captures the Sun

(v1)
She captures the sun
In the gold ring she wears
And the warm way that sunshine
Reflects in her hair
The wild yellow daisies
Pinned low on her neck
Lie in bright curly tangles
Like petals of silk


Chorus
I never dreamed love
Would find me a second time
It often leaves me breathless
To know the woman’s mine


(v2)
She captures the sun
When she wakens each day
And she speaks without speaking
Yet has so much to say
Her eyes sometimes shadow
But never for long
And I follow her movements
Like words in a song

Bridge
She transformed the metal that was me into gold
Taught me never to put feelings on hold


Chorus
I never dreamed love
Would find me a second time
It often leaves me breathless
To know the woman’s mine



© 2009 Donna Devine

Hi Donna. Very pretty lyric. Personally, I'd like to see you make some changes to the chorus. In particular, I'm not fond of the last 2 lines, but in general, I'd rather see you take the last 4 lines in a more positive, uplifting direction. Good luck with it

Bill

Thanks, Bill. Great input! I wasn't at ease with those last two lines either. I'll definitely rethink that section, especially as the rest of the song is uplifting, or at least intended to be.
In the meantime, I've made changes (in blue).

Donna

You are churning them out for 50/90, aren't you? I think you are a very "poetic" writer with a good flair for imagery. As for the "cliche" part -- maybe a little with "wine getting better with age" angle, but it's hard not to be on a topic like this.

It looks like you added this chorus (the blue part) after the first write. You may want to revisit it again because it seems to change the time frame of the song. Everything seems to be "in the moment", but that 4-line phrase is a much "longer time frame" type of statement. (OK, verse 2 in not exactly "in the moment", but I'll let my comments stand -- maybe they will be useful somehow).

Kevin

Thanks for the visit and for those thoughts, Kevin.
I'll take a fresh look at the revised chorus with a view to bringing it back 'into the moment'.
UPDATE: Re-revised chorus (last four lines) in blue.

Donna

Donna, I think this is lovely and poetic and I'm sure it has or will inspire a lovely melody to go along with it. But if it is a verse/chorus song shouldn't the title be in the chorus rather than the verse? I'm almost wondering if you could reverse the verses and choruses?

Betty, thank you for dropping by and commenting.

Though the hook/title is more usual in the chorus, it's acceptable to place it in the verses of a song (hence I used it in both verses, for continuity). I might experiment, though, and see what it sounds like if I add the hook to the chorus as well... Just out of curiousity.

Donna

Donna,

I like this one a lot. The chorus doesn't work for me here, though, as it feels a bit clichéd and takes away from the well written verses.

IMO this would work way better in an AABA form, where you use the title as a refrain in the beginning and in the end of each verse.

Then use the chorus as a bridge, and this could work as contemporary country ("Somebody like you" by Keith Urban is such an AABA).

Hello Donna,

This one is very nice.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

HiDee Divine Mz D!

Memorable Hook! &, yep, I think it works, as an Opener for each Verse..rather than the Usual Chorus-Thing.

I'd sug "chained" rather than "pinned". The "neck/silk" rhyme seemed less-than-half.

"Forever's my best guess/
How I'll spend our time" I'd sug for last Chorus Couplet.

V2's spectacularly-beautiful writin'. "KUDOS"

Bridge I'd sug "to never"...(More conversational/less-poetic.)

K-O-S alla the Sugs, & Good Luck with a Good One, M'LadyChum!

Big Hugs,
Stan

excellent lryic, especially verse II.

And I follow her movements
Like words in a song

is pure gold. :-)

I've never tried the challenge so I'm not sure if you put in a lot of time for each song during the ninety days or revisit them after. Either way I suggest you look at the bridge, it doesn't seem to have the same easy going yet poetic feel.

Great hook too, really ties everything together.

Magne, Calvin, Stan, and Dan, thank you for reading and in particular for your kind comments/suggestions.

I absolutely agree about the chorus. I've already added a new one. Even if I change that one, it's better than what it replaced.

Stan, I first used 'chained', but it brought up too clunky an image, even though one does refer to 'daisy chains'.

At first I also had 'to never'. But the (unreasonable) purist in me couldn't stand splitting that infinitive, so I changed it. I take your point though about it being more conversational.

Magne, I'll look again at your suggestions. Thanks for taking the time.

Donna