JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 "Gotta Look Before I Leap" (NOT orthopedically-driven....)

Hey Kids,

Well, since I'm fixin' to make up for some lost time 'round these parts, I reckon this lyrical effort is a tad on the LENGTHY side. BUT, gotta get back up on that horse one way or'n'other, so enjoy!! Nothin' fancy....

All the usual comments/thoughts welcome....

Beth

“Gotta Look Before I Leap”
© Lyrics 2009 Beth Williams, BMI


When I met Zoey at the zoo
I couldn’t help but stare
Much better than her picture
Sea-green eyes and raven-hair
But then she shook my hand, oh MY!
So firm, with hairy knuckles
A deep voice said, at last we meet!
All shrunk below my buckle

Should have read the profile, was I cruising in my sleep?
Though I did escape my Man-Date -- gotta look before I leap

Chorus:
Gotta look before I leap, but see
A whiff of perfume‘s all I need
To ring my bell, announce “all systems go”
Sure I wish I’d better gauge
What’s past the cover, on the page
But hormones rule my roost, so I dunno…..

When I saw Ruby at the rink
My temp began to rise
The graceful strokes, her twirling skirt
Showed off her slender thighs
I skated close with fancy moves
And wooed her with my charms
Til out of nowhere I was tripped
And hit the ice real hard

Should have counted on a boyfriend, sorta sad he was a creep
Though at last my head stopped spinning -- gotta look before I leap

Chorus:
Gotta look before I leap, but see
A whiff of perfume‘s all I need
To ring my bell, announce “all systems go”
You’d think that I could better gauge
What’s past the cover, on the page
But hormones rule my roost, so I dunno….

Bridge (original):
Could I ever change my unromantic history
When every gal I met was elusive and a mystery
If by chance I got warmed up, they up and left me cold
What a waste, I’m such a case, just want someone to hold

Bridge (Alternative):
What was I supposed to do?
Wasn’t there some leaping cue
Guess I’d have to look some more
Pick my chin up off the floor

When I gazed up at Ursula
Her first response was “OH!”
But could this living doll mean me
Soon love began to grow
Then sizing up my interest
A man said “Fifty bucks”
I paid him quick and took her home
Could not believe my luck

Chorus 2:
“Gotta look before I leap” I’d thought
But what I saw was what I got
With Ursula, no pride-deflating scenes
Until one night our second week
She hissed at me, she’d sprung a leak
Thank god the patch kit worked just like a dream

Very well done Beth and welcome back. Not to long at all.

No 'nits' north of ya.

Douglas

Hi Beth,

I'll come back with a little bit of a critique, but I just want to say I saw the title "Gotta Look Before I Leap" (NOT orthopedically-driven....)" in the "What's Goin' On" box, and I said to myself, "that's GOT to be Beth, LOL..."

Glad you're back!

**********************************************************

This is pretty funny and clever. I like it...I loved those Ray Steven's novelty tunes so i can appreciate the kinda dumb singer who lets "hormone's rule his roost." I think your writing is a tad too eloquent, especially the bridge, though, and he needs to be made a little less intelligent sounding, imo, or it's hard for me to fathom him mistaking a man for a girl, and buying a blow up doll.

V1 is past tense, but the build is in the present...not an impossible scenerio, that the singer is singing while on the man-date, but then seems to beg for the music video to make this believable.

Mike

Thanks Double D!

I appreciate you taking the time to comment so nicely. I just had to go goofy on this one... "back to my roots", so to speak !!

And HEY, I'll actually be heading a bit closer to you this coming weekend -- Southern Maine!! Two weeks on the beach (albeit covered up, see avatar!), but two weeks on the beach nonetheless!

Hope all's well, and tthanks again,
Beth

Howdy Mike,

First off, thank you for opening remarks! It's very sweet that you could recognize me so easily by the mere mention of something medical (but jeepers, hasn't ANYBODY else broken something around here lately? If need be, I can live with it just being about ME, ME, ME, but still... ...hmmm....) !

Regarding your comments about the lyric, as usual, they are thought-provoking and reasonable. And hey, I don't get that "too eloquent" remark too often, so it will be an interesting challenge for me to "dumb down" our "hero"!!

Tense-wise, good catch. In truth, I was struggling with "present" vs. "past" vs. "past-perfect" vs. "plu-perfect" vs. "condition-contrary-to-fact"....and in the end, I thunk I over-thinked it ( )!! That shouldn't be too hard to remedy.

So thanks for taking the plunge...and ultimately sharing your always-welcome and insightful thoughts.

Have a great evening,
Beth

Beth I really am glad to see you up and writing. This is very fun--- well done. I thought this before I read Michael's post, the bridge seems somewhat too poetic, and I dont hear (often) of a man who wants romance and to be held.. Perhaps mention the physical or quirky things he misses that a woman has..Soft face (if they are manly, the prickly face won't fly, the supple, real breasts, the hips, whatever... Other than that, loved it, it was fun..!! Kimberly

Hey Mike and Kim,

Wanted to chat a bit more about the dichotomy b/w our guy's jargon and his actions. Too tired now though, so will address it tomorrow (as well as give you a proper howdy-do, Kim!)....

In the meantime, I've put up a "lighter" alternate bridge for consideration...

NIGHT!
Beth

Hey Boo,
Glad to see you posting again.
A bit "much" for mainstream Probbly , but no doubt a place for it
Good points made on the language in the bridge
The last V and C probably puts it "Over the Top" for a lot of people but I don't have another direction right off
Y

Hi again KIM!

How've you been? I must say, I'm never going to be able to catch up on all these songs, but I'll give it the old college try....

Anyway, as I mentioned to you and Mike last night, I wanted to elaborate a bit more on some of my thoughts behind the lyric. Apparently, I didn't convey the "tongue-in-cheek" nature effectively enough. The guy is immature, on hormonal over-drive, with little impulse control. Making a blind date from a quick glance at a personal ad photo and then realizing way too late he'd made a number of mistakes, I found highly amusing.

I don't think though that it's far-fetched for him not have "recognized" right off that his date was a transvestite (was that part unclear? ). It's amazing what a little make-up, a good undergarment and heels can do! Plus, that just adds to the absurdity of the situation, that he was so excited by just a picture he didn't even check out the person's profile.

Then, too, thinking he was going to "score" at the skating rink was just another example of his irrational, ego-maniacal thinking. In his own way, he had an IDEAL of what a woman should be like -- and for him, it literally just came down to being AVAILABLE. He sets himself up to be rejected...and never learns his lesson....until he finds "the perfect girl"...a blow-up doll. And sure, it's a wee bit over the top, but it's all in good fun, and again, is in keeping with his immaturity.

I do agree that some of the language in the bridge was a bit much for our "hero". I liked the bridge though, so it was hard to get past that ( ) -- but ultimately I think the alternate version does work much better.

So anyhoo, thanks to you (and Mike) for chiming in on this...and I hope I've adequately addressed your concerns.

Ciao for now,
Beth

HA! It's cute! No nits, you're allowed a longer one now and then.
I'm with Michael though, I saw the "not orthopedically driven" and said, "that's gotta be Beth!"

Hey Wy,

Good to BE posting again...though my typing skills have gone right down the drain!!

Anyway, I sure appreciate you stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me. I can't disagree with you on the "slightly left of mainstream" description, but it wasn't particularly crafted for commercial purposes...just puttin' my toes back in the water, with some good old unwholesome fun. So not surprisingly, the last verse and chorus are intentionally over the top.... Heck, if he gets a couple more "gals", like Hugh Hefner does, soon enough Our Hero will be on Cloud Nine -- quite literally if they all spring a leak at the same time!!

You mentioned "good idea" on the bridge language -- did you mean "good" you LIKE the change, or "good", I should WORK ON a change, as suggested before I did so?

Finally, Y, as much as I'm being a goofball about this, I do respect the sensibilities of those who don't enjoy this type of humor. I'm doing my darndest to lure them over to the Dark Side, but they ain't budgin'!!

Seriously, thanks again Y. I appreciated your PM about this as well.

Gotta scoot...number one daughter eyeballin' me big time...and I need to start thinking about feeding these critters anyway! So catch ya later!

Boo

Hi, Beth. It is nice to "see" you and your stuff again. (Yes, the "not orthopedically driven" was a dead giveaway. A bequest, as 'twere.)

I liked the third verse. It had a nice plot twist--I knew El Protagonist's vision of Ursula was inflated, but I didn't expect Ursula herself to be. If she springs enough leaks, she could turn into a real Patchwork Girl.

I didn't have a problem with the language; I thought it was fine. Didn't think it needed to be dumbed down any at all. I think modern music in general doesn't give people credit for enough intelligence. In my own stuff, I regularly throw in polysyllabic words and foreign words and phrases--a trick I picked up from TampaStan--and people always "get it."

Yes, it's not a good idea to mix tenses. Should probably pick one and stick with it. Y'know, present tense would probably work okay here; that was something Julius Caesar did in a lot of his military history writing--use present tense in describing something that was obviously past, to convey a sense of immediacy and drama. ("Caesar leads his soldiers into battle. Caesar sees the enemy. Caesar climbs a tree.") I'd make sure to finish it off with one last rousing chorus, too.

This is really more sedate than a lot of Ray Stevens' stuff. Gretchen Wilson's, too. Nice job.

Joe

Beth,

I loved your last chorus.

Ursela was great!! Real funny.

Geneva

Hi Beth,

Funny writing.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hey Caroline,

Thanks for stopping by on this one -- it's nice to see you posting regularly again. Of course, it sure doesn't hurt when you offer up such nice comments!

Also, I'm simply STUNNED my "not orthopedically-driven" calling card continues to be such a dead giveaway! I make it so EASY for you folks!!

Have a groovy day, and thanks again,
Beth

Hi Joe,

Well, it sure looks like we're playing catch-up today!! SO happy you were able to spot me in the "crowd" with my "orthopedic disclaimer" .... Frankly, your "TABOO" song could have gone a FEW different ways, but you were definitely one of my prime suspects !

So that aside, thank you for tuning in to this here light-hearted, kooky, and "perhaps" a tad bawdy lyric. While I still do need to tighten up the tense situation, I'm glad you were able to enjoy the intended humor and "twist" in our Hero's third "romantic" scenario. Like Wy said though, it's not everyone's cup of tea, so no worries....

I'm glad too you didn't have an issue with the language. Again, I guess it's a personal preference deal....

So In SUMMARY -- thanks again for all your generous and encouraging comments. No wonder I've missed you!!!

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hi Beth,

Well this is a whole lot of fun! Your sense of humor comes shining through! It has a nice flow to it…. “hops” along nicely….nice rhymes….and the subject matter is just too funny.

I did not know this was a date in the first verse until the pre-chorus, which I have a feeling you did that on purpose….I wonder if the listener should know this is a date right off the bat…it’s debatable I suppose. I would like to know myself, only so I can appreciate the humor there! But then there's a certain amount of fun in being surprised.....Either way, I like the nice alliterations you use.

I was looking for the hook there at the end too. Maybe repeated so the listener really sympathizes with our “hero?” lol

Just some thoughts….good stuff, Beth!

Kristi

Hi Geneva,

Your ears must have been burning...I was just talking about you (in terms of posting on the VACATION song challenge!)

Anyway, thanks so much for your kind words. I liked Ursula too, and I'll take "real funny" anytime....

Happy almost 4th of July!!

Beth

Hi Beth,
Although I really havent been around here very long,I have to admit..when I saw the title,I just knew that it was you.Its nice to know that all of the broken bones havnt broken your spirit in the least.I love love love to read anything that you write.you probably address an envelope with artistic flair.This is so funny.I love the guy and i really feel sorry for him,cuz he such a dweeb.I'm happy that he was able to "repair his relationship"with Ursula.She sounds like a keeper.
Michelle

Hi Beth...

Your stuff is always so witty and fun. I gotta get a copy of this to my good bud who's last ex-wife's name was Zoey....he will probably wet himself...lol

Larry

Hey Calvin,

Thanks for stopping by! "Funny" is good!

Have a good weekend!
Beth

Hey KRISIT,

My, you are always so generous and insightful with your comments. I'm also happy you weren't put off by the subject matter....

That is an interesting point you raise about the set-up. It comes down to that question again of the WRITER knowing things and perhaps NOT conveying enough to the listener...No one else has mentioned that, but that doesn't mean it's not a valid point, so I'll definitely take a look at that.

And I do like the idea of "bringing it home" by adding the tag at the end again....We'll see....

So thank you again for taking the time to look over this so carefully. Have a groovy day!

Beth

Beth, crazy fun as usual, and I like the new bridge (in red), everything's clever, and well writ, but the thing I LOVE the most is that there's an Ursula "patch kit" available (it's a song in itself) .

Y'know, demonstrating the Ursula Patch kit could make a hilarious music video.

Joe

Hey Michelle,

So listen, if I ever decide to "switch teams", I'm gonna be knockin' on your door, okay?

Seriously, thank you so much for your very generous (and insightful ) comments. When I read a post like this, it reminds me of those rare occasions in golf when you really clock the ball, you know it's a good shot....and it keeps you coming back, because you want that feeling again!

I'm glad, too, you liked my "hero" and his "happily ever after gal". I'm a big fan of quirky characters...and "dweeb", really, has sort of an endearing quality to it, don't you think?

Anyhoo, I appreciate you taking the time to chime in here. You are always more than welcome in my lyrical neighborhood!!!

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hi Beth. This is well-written both technically and storywise. While thinking about what would work best with this musically though, I thought removing the bridge and talking for the last verse would be the best presentation. The talking would accomplish the usual purpose of the bridge in this context. It would perk up the listener because of the change from singing to talking and it sets up your final twist - which is a great humorous payoff.

Oh Larry....

The description of what your good bud might do in response to my song...well, there's not much more a lyricist can hope for!! If I can make a grown man tinkle, gosh....

Seriously, I appreciate your thoughtful and encouraging feedback. Sadly, I laugh at myself all the TIME, so it's always helpful to get validation from the Real World!

Thanks again....and do let me know what REALLY happens with your chum, okay?

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hey Randy,

Almost forgot about this one! Two days of sunshine in a row are really throwing me off...

Anyhoo, thanks for the kudos on this one. Interestingly, you're not the first person to suggest a "sequel" involving Ursula's patch kit -- but you'll just have to get in line behind everyone else to see what (if anything) -- I do about it!! And good golly, where did you find that hysterical emoticon? SO funny, and most appropriate!

BTW, I was glad you didn't think I was way off by suggesting Our Guy might not know Zoey was a male from afar. As for the knuckles, I'm not sure that's where he was looking...

So thank you again for your encouraging comments. All kidding aside, they're much appreciated!

Take it easy,
Beth

You are a naughty man, Joseph. Perhaps that is why we get along so well....

Music video, huh? I'd need music for that first, right?

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hey there Summeoyo,

First off, thanks a bunch for taking the time to visit and offer up such encouraging comments.

I'll admit though, I'm not quite sure I understand your musical suggestion: would one still sing the chorus at the end? And you think switching to "talking" would make up for the loss of the bridge? If you happen to come by this way again, I'd sure love it if you could elaborate a bit...

Regardless, I appreciate your thoughtful input!!

Ciao for now,
Beth