JPF Home Page Forums Post Week 38 (September 2nd) Entries Here

Hi Folks,

We are starting the Week 38 process for the Mentor Critique. We welcome anyone to post a lyric or a lyric/with an mp3 link for consideration. This week, Pat Luboff, a very talented and professional music educator, as well as writer of several hit songs and co-writer (along with husband Pete) of some of the best selling music education books on the market, is our volunteer Mentor. She will pick an entry for which she will provide a public critique. She is not looking for the "Best" or "Worst" entry, but rather the one that will serve the learning process the best. Once she chooses, we will post that choice and open it up for member critiques. This is an important stage as it helps you learn how to critically look at lyrics and song structure for later comparision to Pat's points. After we've had critiques by members, we'll post Pat's critique and have further discussion.

The schedule is:

Tuesday through Friday Night: Lyric and Lyric/MP3 link entries.
Saturday through Monday Morning: Open Member Critique
Monday Night: We Post Pat's Critique
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday: We have open discussion.

This is all about learning. Don't post a lyric or mp3 file that you aren't open to criticism and aren't willing to change. If you would rather have a private Critique by Pat, visit her site at http://www.writesongs.com/. I suggest, if you haven't participated before, that you read one from a previous week to get up to speed on how it all works. Good luck and get involved!

We will be accepting entries until approximately 7:00 PM on Friday.

So post your Week 38 Entries below!

Brian i like to give it a go. I hope this is where you put the songs but here's mine one time one rose
www.myspace.com/ridenroses3

ONE TIME ONE ROSE

one love, one rose, one time
I had you on my mind
I had a smile you were mine

the summer came
winter past
spring turned into may

one love, one time, one rose
I had you on my mind

there you stand
there you are
your eyes are full
beautiful are you
and your moods
each peddle
I say hello mr yellow

oh... oh... yah
one time, one rose, on time
I had you on my mind
I had a smile you were mine

Mr Yellow you feed me water
you give me that sunshine
you make me want to grow
even when it's winter after summer

one love, one rose, one time
I had you on my mind

now together we stand
hand in hand

one love, two roses, two times
man, i've got you on my mind

one time, one rose
I had you on my mind

written by laura l hatch c 2007

Here goes another round of fun. You can't pay for this kind of entertainment!

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6859605

MONAROSE
©Ricki E. Bellos

From the day she moved into town
We started to hang around
A couple of lost teenage girls
Willing to take on the world
Monarose
It wasn’t in her to be mean
But there was no in between
Either with her or against
Knocked me off my fence

Her smile told lies
Her story was in her eyes
Everything was black or white to Monarose

Together day and night
The next step felt right
What started out as play
Scared us both away
Monarose
I never told what we did
Swore to keep it hid
Crossed my heart and hoped to die
We all have our dark side

Her smile told lies
Her story was in her eyes
No one else knew why she ran, Monarose

When asked why we’re not friends
I say we are till the end
I lie about picture postcards
Sent with her best regards
Wish you were here, love, Monarose
Wish you were here, love, Monarose
Wish you were here Monarose

Changed my mind and went with this one.

No time Blues MP3: http://soundclick.com/share?songid=4990328

Kevin

*************************************************
No Time Blues
(Lyrics by Kevin Emmrich, music: Anderson/Emmrich)
(c) Kevin Emmrich 2007

I'm a little nervous
Got nothing to say
It seems that I got no time on my hands
No time to play
I've got a real problem and I don't know what to do
I've got those No Time Blues.

So my gal calls me up
Says, Hey, where have you been?
I'm losing Interest
You'd better make it up to me, again and again
It's a crime, it's a shame
I can't squeeze her in
So I'm losing at this game called lovin'
I've got those No Time Blues.


(Lead Break 1)

Well my Boss walks in
Says, Where's that Report!
Says customers are screaming
But I rather be on the basketball court
I work all day and night, but I'm always past due.
Hey buddy can I hand this project over to you?
I've got those No Time Blues.

Now I've thought about leaving
There must be some better place
Where the water's cool and I can go about at my own pace
I gotta find some time to look for that now
Before I do something that the law just don't allow.
I've got those No Time Blues.

(Lead Break 2)

Well, the moral of this story is to be yourself
You won't be sorry, you can't be somebody else
Hey, we are all running out of time
And that's a crying shame
I wish I could help you, but I gotta catch that train.
I've got those No Time Blues.

***************************************************

Okay, here's one for you. Wasn't sure what to do with it, anyway. Be kind, 'kay? Sensitive Artist, and all that. URL is:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songinfo.cfm?bandID=183557&songID=6819442

Lyrics follow. Thanks, everybody.

Joe

[4/4, brightly]

DEAD FISHES
--J. Wrabek

In early spring, the fields were ripe with barley, oats and hay;
That’s what my grandpa told me, before he passed away;
I ain’t never seen a barley, they sell oatmeal at the store,
And we don’t need any hay ‘cause there’s no horses any more.

CHORUS:
Hey, nonny, hey, nonny, where did you go?
“Went down to the river, where the pretty waters flow;
Red, green and yellow, passing out with the tide,
And I stood among the fishes and I watched ‘em while they died.”

Grandpa called ‘em “signs of hope”—veggies in the dirt;
He said y’ had to weed ‘em, and it sounds like lots of work;
Now, the garden don’t grow anything—it comes from somewhere else—
But the dirt’s a pretty color—too bad about the smell.

CHORUS:
Hey, nonny, hey, nonny, where did you go?
“Went down to the river, where the pretty waters flow;
Red, green and yellow, passing out with the tide,
And I stood among the fishes and I watched ‘em while they died.”

Grandpa talked of breezes that didn’t hurt your eyes,
And rain that didn’t burn the skin and make you stay inside;
He had pictures of some birds and bees, and other things that flied—
They all were pretty ugly, I ain’t surprised they up and died.

CHORUS:
Hey, nonny, hey, nonny, where did you go?
“Went down to the river, where the pretty waters flow;
Red, green and yellow, passing out with the tide,
And I stood among the fishes and I watched ‘em while they died.”

At night I think of Grandpa, talkin’ vegetables with God,
Peering down to see us through the ashes and the smog;
Saying, “Meet me up in Heaven, we’ve got barley, oats and hay”—
No one’s grown them things on earth since Grandpa passed away.

CHORUS:
Hey, nonny, hey, nonny, where did you go?
“Went down to the river, where the pretty waters flow;
Red, green and yellow, passing out with the tide,
And I stood among the fishes and I watched ‘em while they died.”

REPEAT CHORUS TO END

(c0 2008 J. Wrabek dba Outside Services Ltd. All the usual rights reserved just in case. No vegetables were harmed in the writing of this song.

Here's a new one. I have no idea what to do with it...

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6864550

Better Believe

Sailing past the faces
And the numbers and the names
You’ve been burned too many times before
So you just won’t play the game

But no one takes you nowhere
And there’s nothing there to see
So you better believe in someone like me
You better believe

Lovers promise you the world
But they only steal you blind
Now you’re done with lies and takers
You’re gonna leave them all behind

But no one takes you nowhere
And there’s nothing there to see
So you better believe in someone like me
You better believe

I believe in someone who believes in me
Give me a reason to believe

Love just brings you pain and tears
Now you won’t even take the chance
Choose a life of lonely days and nights
Over passion and romance

But no one takes you nowhere
And there’s nothing there to see
So you better believe in someone like me
You better believe

Copyright 2008 by Mark Kaufman

Well, I would like to enter this song that Bill Creel and I co-wrote. An analysis would be nice to have.

Tom

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=831131&songID=6850247


Just a Little Thing

c/ Thomas Shea


An argument like kids in school.
A few harsh words and a tear or two.
He didn’t think It was more than a little thing.
What a man might miss, a woman can feel.
For her it might be something real.
She believed it was more than a little thing.

Three packed bags and baby on board.
She took off in that old blue Ford.
He was sure that she’d soon be back.
Time can repair some serious moods
But this time he misunderstood.
This was not just a little thing.

Now that baby is a little girl.
And she’s missing from his world.
It is a very serious thing.
All the regrets that he can find
Fill up his lonely mind
With thoughts of a little thing.

The firelight is fading low
And he thinks of years ago.
The pain that a heartache brings.
The sweetness of a gentle kiss
And two smiles he will always miss
Remind him of that little thing.

Now that baby is a little girl
And she’s missing from his world.
It was a very serious thing.
All the regrets that he can find
Fill up his lonely mind
With thoughts of a little thing.

Instrumental Break

Now she’s married to someone else.
He just stares inside himself.
He heard they had a little boy.
For all the things that he has lost
He’ll pay the greatest cost.
Of such a little thing.

Now that baby is a little girl
And she’s missing from his world.
It is a very serious thing.
All the regrets that he can find
Fill up his lonely mind
With thoughts of a little thing.

OK, since I found out I can do this every time, I'm in too!!!


www.soundclick.com/carolinewroteit

I’m Just Curious
© 2008 Caroline Holder
Music and vocals by the amazing Letha Allen and her crew!

She came to me
While I’s cooking dinner
I could tell she was upset
She looked at me and said, Hey Momma
How broke can a heart get
Her face was soaking wet

C 1
I’m just curious
As to why I feel
I’m not even alive
Does he even care?
How I’m gonna survive
I can’t sleep and I can’t think
I want to scream, I’m on the brink
Of a heartbreak and I’m afraid
Of the way I feel
I’m just curious
‘Bout the curious way I feel


Could not answer her questions
Didn’t know what to say
I told her she should call her dad
He knows just how to walk away
How to walk away

C 2
I’m just curious
As to why I feel I’m not even alive
Does he even care?
How I’m gonna survive
I can’t sleep and I can’t think,
I want to scream, I’m on the brink
Of a heart break and I’m afraid
Of the way I feel
I’m just curious
Bout the curious way I feel


I’m just curious
How did ya feel?
When you pulled out o’ that drive
Did you check the rear view mirror?
See the tears ya left behind
Did you ever think about her and me
I wanta scream I’m on the brink
Of a heartbreak and I’m afraid
Of the way I feel
I’m just curious
Bout the curious way I feel

Bye bye

I know that Lead Belly, Tom Jones, Van Morrison, Ella Fitzgerald and lots of others have done- "Good Morning blues". This is not that song. I'll post this because Sub, whose song was analyzed last week, cited it. I already know that my musical hook is too repetitive. It was recorded with a drum pattern on a 4 track.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=538905&songID=6830399

Good Morning Blues
Samuel Joseph Harris

Thought I was doing all right
When I called her last night
She said that she was just fine
but couldn’t make up her mind
About leaving me for someone new
Good morning blues

Good morning blues
I didn’t invite you
How’d you get in my room?
Why’d you wake me so soon?
Some friends you can’t loose
Good morning blues

Make yourself right at home
Yes, doing fine on my own
I’ll get the girl on the phone
and tell him I’m not alone
I’ll tell her I woke up with you
Good morning blues

Good morning blues
I didn’t invite you
You're moving in on my space
Now get that smile off you face
Yes, I know I've been used
Good morning blues

Well, pour yourself a heartache
I’ve had ‘bout all I can take
It keeps me up all night
and makes me ready to fight
With any fool with bad news
Good morning blues

Show yourself to the door
I just can’t take anymore
Goodbye and have a nice day
There’s not much more I can say
It’s been nice talking to you
Good morning blues

Good morning blues
I didn’t invite you
But I guess you could see
I needed the company
Some friends you don't lose
Good morning blues

Just Another Day
©2008 Mark Schuessler

Verse1
Just another day
Since you've been gone now
Sometimes I just stay
Up all night long now

Lift1
I sit and drink alone
A one-man riot
Got time to think - this place
Is full of peace and quiet

Chorus
Just another day without you
Just another day
Nothing much to say about you
Nothing much to say
Since you went away
It's just another day

Verse2
Finally got some room
In this old bed now
Don't have your perfume
To fill my head now

Lift2
The sun is rising
Sleep is finally calling
But when my eyes are closed
I feel like I'm falling

Repeat Chorus

Bridge
That I won't touch your face
Or see you smile after
Or know the dreams you chase
Or feel your easy laughter
Who needs to hear your voice
Singing your favorite song
At least I never, ever said
That I was wrong

Repeat Chorus

Here's one that doesn't have music as yet


"Boulevard of Love"
© J.R. Hoffman 08


music's spilling out of bars
up and down the boulevard
and I see you perched up on the back
of that pearl white drop top Cadillac

sitting at a traffic light
I have to catch my breath and hold on tight

you look like a dream to me
rocking and rolling down the boulevard of love
come on baby let me see
that light in your eyes turn green
rocking and rolling down the boulevard of love

my heart's racing sitting still
let's do a Chinese fire drill
honking the horns and running around
hop in here girl and we'll cruise the town

let your hair float on the breeze
riding way up high in my old jeep

you look like a dream to me
rocking and rolling down the boulevard of love
come on baby let me see
that light in your eyes turn green
rocking and rolling down the boulevard of love
rocking and rolling down the boulevard of love

you can tune the radio
I'll take you any place you want to go

you look like a dream to me
rocking and rolling down the boulevard of love
come on baby let me see
that light in your eyes turn green
rocking and rolling down the boulevard of love
rocking and rolling down the boulevard of love

Don't forget to get your entries in today (Friday) before evening.

Brian

This one should give everyone lots to sink their teeth into.

Bitter Pill (2:56)
(c) 2007 Rob Lewczyk

The sun was shining through the trees, where we sat, it was her and me
She told me it was time to go, I held tight, and I told her "no"
But as I looked into her eyes, I could see, it had passed us by
Somebody else had won her heart, we were through, and we had to part
She's gone, I know... She's gone, and she ain't comin' back
She's gone, I know... She's gone, that's a fact

CHORUS
Last night, she said she didn't love me
Last night, I said I loved her still
Last night, she turned around and left me
Now she's gone, and that's a bitter pill

I watched her walking away, from the park, from my life that day
Despite the sun over my head, well I knew, that my world was dead
But that was many years ago, she's moved on, her friends tell me so
And though you'd think that I would learn, I still wait... hopin' she'll return
She's gone, I know... She's gone, and she ain't comin' back
She's gone, I know... She's gone, that's a fact

CHORUS
Last night, she said she didn't love me
Last night, I said I loved her still
Last night, she turned around and left me
Now she's gone, and that's a bitter pill

(repeat) CHORUS

Well, I haven't been out here for awhile, and this is one that's not exactly cast-in-stone...thanks for listening.

This one is a song challenge from my wife - she challenged me to write a prayer. She also contributed very highly to this, especially bringing the vocal to life.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=150763&songID=1025994

This One's for You

Sometimes I don't know where to start
Talkin' to you, talkin' to you
But I've been thinkin' more with my heart
So I stopped by for a word or two

Sometimes I feel a prayer tuggin' at my bones
I wanna pray for the ones who love me
Pray for the ones who don't
Gettin' on my knees is so hard to do
I just want to thank you Lord, and tell you
This one's for you

Askin' for help just hasn't been my way
You've got to be tough to make a buck these days
But good intentions aren't always enough
It takes a leap of faith, and a little luck

Sometimes I feel a prayer tuggin' at my bones
I wanna pray for the ones who love me
Pray for the ones who don't
Gettin' on my knees is so hard to do
I'm inclined to thank you Lord, and tell you
This one's for you

Repeat chorus

Barry Crannell/Julianna Waters 2003 ASCAP

My entry this week. An older lyric

Bottle of Jezebel

It was just another night in the club
Some company was all I was looking for
Not interested in thoughts of love
Just wanted someone to walk with me through that door

But when she danced her way over so seductively
I should have listened to those danger bells
With a flip of her hair, she entranced me
That sweet succubus scent of Chanel

She gestured to the bartender, a bottle slid my way
Then whispered in my ear, 'I know how to make your day'

Oh, the name on the label shoulda given me a clue
But she'd lowered my defenses, and pretty soon
She was promising me a lifetime, and I didn't mind
Oh why didn't I listen to those danger bells
She was setting me on a path to hell
When I downed that bottle of Jezebel
As I downed that bottle of Jezebel

Oh how could such a splendid night
Be followed by such a torturous dawn?
Woke up and found she'd taken flight
Looked like a whirlwind had hit my home

Every drawer torn open, an empty wallet
And a slowly fading sense of bliss.
An edge of white sticking out my coat pocket
A note, sealed with her coquette kiss.

I dunno what made her different from the other girls
But she flipped the table round, for one night she rocked my world

Oh, the name on the label shoulda given me a clue
But she'd lowered my defenses, and pretty soon
She was promising me a lifetime, and I didn't mind
Oh why didn't I listen to those danger bells
She was setting me on a path to hell
When I downed that bottle of Jezebel
As I downed that bottle of Jezebel

All so pathetic, I don't even know her name
But I still wonder, if I ever saw her face again
Would she open the door away from hell?
Or just uncork another bottle of Jezebel?

Oh, the name on the label shoulda given me a clue
But she'd lowered my defenses, and pretty soon
She was promising me a lifetime, and I didn't mind
Oh why didn't I listen to those danger bells
She was setting me on a path to hell
When I downed that bottle of Jezebel
As I downed that bottle of Jezebel

My entry is a lyric only.

I Miss You Already
©2008Kristi McKeever

The light of day takes you away
The time has come
The air is full of misty rain
And I’m drenched in pain
I miss you already

The pretty birds haven’t heard
You’ll soon be gone
My head won’t let my heart let go
But I know, I know
I miss you already

You bend the rules but you’re rich in faith
With a face to the wind you’re not afraid
You’re the light beyond the nearby trees
The nerve beneath what lives and breathes

As the road turns and miles burn
I will laugh and cry
Each day will tell a new story
Like the morning glory
I miss you already
I miss you already

[Tag]
I’ll give you one last kiss, even though
With tears soaked dry, I’m cryin’ inside
I miss you already

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=661490&songID=6853948

Skinless Boneless Homeless
Copyright 2006

My will to live it disappeared on that starless night
When the river rose around us till there was no land in sight
We both grabbed hold of a broken oak and it took us for a ride
I turned away and that river stole my good wife from my side

Choru
And I cried, Yes I cried a million tears
Tried to find her body, but that river don’t give back souvenirs
Just keeps rolling and tumbling aint got nothing to say to you
Leaves you skinless, boneless, homeless, long before your time is due

River you can’t break me, cause I’m all ready broke inside
And you can’t squeeze no more tears from me cause I cried myself bone-dry
No you can’t take nothing more from me you done washed all away
The only thing I own is what I’m breathing in today

Chorus

Instrumental break

I got a picture in my wallet it’s the only one I saved
Smiling blue-eyed woman holding hands with me on that day
That’s the day we both got married and our faces shined with joy\
Now I hold on to that memory like a tiny baby boy

Chorus


Maybe time will give me some simple, simple reasons why
But I don’t think I can wait that long and I don’t intend to try
Lore if you are as merciful as some people say
You ‘d sweep me up in one gust of wind and blow me all away

Chorus



Edited by Paul T Wentworth (Yesterday at 11:49 AM)
_________________________
Rhyme is the Coin of the Realm

http://www.soundclick.com/paultwentworth
http://WWW.myspace.com/paultwentworth

OK - I'm in this week. I have music to this but haven't recorded it.

Happy Song

V1.
This is a happy song
This is not a song
That is sad...
This is a happy song
This is not a song
To make you feel
So bad...

(pre-chorus)
It's not a song to make
You blue
Or change to
your point of view

(chorus)
This is not a song about
child pornography
This is not a song about
Iraqi refugees
This is not about some
kid who thought it cool
To go around and shoot
some other kids at school

(Chorus Tag)
And no,
You've got it all wrong
You're where you belong
Because this..
This is a happy song...

V2.
This is a happy song
This is not a song to make
You cry...
This is a happy song
This is a song
about blue birds
in the sky...

(pre-chorus)
It's not a song to make
You blue
Or change to
your point of view

(Chorus 2)
This is not a song about
Al Gore and global warming
This is not a song about
Hurricanes forming
This is not about
militants and the making
Of Child soldiers
This is not a song about
Just simply getting older

(Chorus Tag)
Oh no, you've got it all wrong
And you're where you belong
Because this...
This is a happy song...

No tune, could be folk or country.

TOUCHY PEOPLE

by Lee Arten
(c) 2007 All Rights Reserved

Touchy people,
Are like porucpines.
Touchy people,
Scratch like thorny vines.
Touchy people--find a way around.
Otherwise they'll bring you down.
Touchy people.

Don't let them hem you in,
Or fence you out.
Slide right by. Leave them to pout.

Touchy people,
At the grocery store.
Touchy people,
On the cool lake shore.
Touchy people--evade their fuss.
They got nothin' good for us.
Touchy people.

Don't let them hem you in,
Or fence you out.
Slide right by. Leave them to pout.

Touchy people,
Yap like little dogs.
Touchy people,
Wear those funny clogs.
Touchy people--move on away.
They've got nothin' good to say.
Touchy people.

Touchy people...
Touchy people...
Touchy people...

Y'all know who you are...

I think changing the thread title for each entry makes it confusing for those who might want to find it in the forum list. Just a thought.

Kevin

Title: Such A Lonely Man
Lyrics by Nathan A. Baker
(c)2008 All Rights Reserved

Verse 1
It's been a week since Sunday
Seven days of misery
I thought she'd be back Monday
By Wednesday I could see
Friday finalized the deal
And I chalked all up to cost
Losing her was the needle
Now my whole haystack is lost

Chorus
It's too late for roses
Too late for apologies
No way to make amends
For my complexities
I should have listened to her
And assisted in her plan
If I had I wouldn't be
Such a lonely man

Verse 2
Red rover, send love back over
To spend some time with me
It's been dry since she left
Fighting sandstorms of sanity
I left love's door wide open
And my angel flew away
I know now curious creatures
All require some time to play

Chorus
It's too late for roses
Too late for apologies
No way to make amends
For my complexities
I should have listened to her
And assisted in her plan
If I had I wouldn't be
Such a lonely man

Bridge
I've learned a hard lesson
Scars will seal the deal
Honesty mirrors reason
Choice is an act of will

Chorus
It's too late for roses
Too late for apologies
No way to make amends
For my complexities
I should have listened to her
And assisted in her plan
If I had I wouldn't be
Such a lonely man

Tag
Baby's got a new plan
I'm such a lonely man

(c)2008

Wow! Hard to choose from so many possibilities! I'm going to go with Just Another Day by ©2008 Mark Schuessler. Looking forward to what you all have to say about it. I'll post my response late Monday night, after we get home from our Sounding Board workshop.

Pat Luboff