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Florida
by bennash - 06/07/26 09:34 PM
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,199
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OP
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a little rewriting
"Kiss My Tracks"
©hoffman 07
I waited up "til morning
for you to come home drunk
I found you passed out on the lawn
so I climbed into your truck
I slammed the gas said goodbye
slung mud all over you
when you ask yourself what happened
well here's what you can do
kiss my tracks
you can kiss my tracks goodbye
I won't wait
another night to hear your lies
I've wasted too much time on you
and what you can do
is kiss my tracks
you can kiss my tracks goodbye
I hope you get the message
on the phone from some Danielle
she found out about Allison
and sounded mad as hell
boy has she got news for you
good thing she tracked you down
now I know that playing poker
is French for running 'round
kiss my tracks
you can kiss my tracks goodbye
I won't wait
another night to hear your lies
I've wasted too much time on you
and what you can do
is kiss my tracks
you can kiss my tracks goodbye
kiss my tracks
you can kiss my tracks goodbye
Last edited by John Hoffman; 10/29/07 08:34 AM.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Hey John,
Love the hook I think it's great, my favorite line... "now I know that playing poker is French for running round" ...so cool. Would like to hear the music to this one.
I had an idea for a little change in the second verse.
I said goodbye slammed on the gas
put that sucker in drive
'Cause baby my time for a good time
had finally arrived
In the last part of the chorus how about changing the line "it's my life" to..
I've wasted too much time on you
so you know what you can do
You can kiss my tracks
You can kiss my tracks goodbye
Anyway just a couple of thoughts.
Good work,
Harry
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John
Good simple and forceful! Creates a mind picture right away with the action...
Love the play on words hook....Captures attention.
You might want to say..."just barely missing you"....Just a flow idea.
Kinda like Harry's suggestion on the "it's my life"
Love to hear it.
Eric
If you're going to judge someone, do it on the side of mercy.
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Great ideas guys - thanks. I'd like to hear the music too. Perhaps it'll capture the interest of a composer.
Great ideas,
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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John, personally i like this version much better. Think it would make a real fun song with fast music & loud vocal.
small nit: line 3 & 4
i can't wait
another night to hear your lies
i understand it's meaning, for some little reason it trips me up reading it. it's right on the tip of my fingers, like using "won't" instead of can't ??
just my 2 cents
good rewrite!/tom
kiss my tracks
you can kiss my tracks goodbye
I won't wait
another night to hear your lies
I've wasted too much time on you
you know what you can do
kiss my tracks
you can kiss my tracks goodbye
Last edited by tomwisnowski; 10/27/07 11:23 AM.
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Tom,
you are probably right. It trips you up because "I can't wait" is a phrase denoting anxious waiting and that ain't what she's doing. My attempt at a little sarcastic word play.
Thanks,
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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yeah..nice write. I recall the original was a little more violent...this settles around the hook nicely...there's good fun in it..
Ciao
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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Yep, this one has the gotcha and fun factor rolled into one!
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Thanks guys,
I get by with a little help from my friends.
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Hi John, An enjoyable read. One small nit from me...I think you should remove the word AND. I slammed the gas said goodbye and slung mud all over you when you ask yourself what happened well here's what you can do Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Calvin,
I wondered about that. Grammar vs "the sound". Not I'm much on grammar or sound.
Thanks,
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Great hook, and attitude! Loved it, and this has great lines-
now I know that playing poker
is French for running 'round LOL
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Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Just saw this one--yup, great lines, good story, solid attitude. Loved the phone message verse. That was great.  No nits! It's looking good. Linda
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Linda,
thank you very much. Maybe we'll see if this is what "they" are looking for.
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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