JPF Home Page Forums Post Week 1: (February 23rd) Entries Here

Hi Folks,

Here's the place to post the first week's entries for consideration for the Mentor Critique. Remember, if chosen, the critique will be posted publicly for folks to comment on. Harriet Schock will be the guest critiquer for this week. We will experiment with process and format and make changes as we go, but for now, post 1 lyric or 1 lyric/mp3 file link and Harriet will choose 1 to critique. We will then open it up for general member critiques and after a period of time (a day or two probably) we will post Harriets critique and then open it all up to discussion.

So who's going to dip their toe in the water first? Post it below in the same way you posted for the Lyric Award. Include your name and copyright info as well the Lyric (and Link if applicable). You are welcome to include a short comment on what you are hoping to accomplish (improving the song, ready to pitch, etc..) Please don't post songs that you aren't open to constructive critique on. If it's finished in your mind and can't be changed, post something more open. Let's not waste everyone's time.

Thanks and good luck!

Brian

Purpose – Songpitch
Genre – pop a la Gwen Stephanie or Kelly Clarkson
Status - flegling

NOTHING

(1)
the flowers that you gave me last night
last night before that last fight
are sitting on the window sill
that’s -- good-bye, one; heart, nil

(2)
the ring that you gave me last year
last year before all these tears
still glitters in the morning sun
that’s -- promise, one; heart, none

(chorus)
nothing that you gave to me
can take the place of you
nothing, nothing I can see
will help to get me through
this soul of mine is shattered
and you act like nothing matters
oh, I know what I meant to you
nothing

(3)
the hope that you gave me hangs on
hangs on even though you're gone
still dreaming of you coming home
that’s -- wishing, one; heart, zero

(chorus)
nothing that you gave to me
can take the place of you
nothing, nothing I can see
will help to get me through
this soul of mine is shattered
and you act like nothing matters
oh, I know what I meant to you
nothing

[break]

(bridge)
yeah -- love was just a game to you
but I'm done keeping score
no, I'm not playing anymore....
(still)

(chorus)
nothing that you gave to me
can take the place of you
nothing, nothing I can see
will help to get me through
this soul of mine is shattered
and you act like nothing matters
oh, I know what I meant to you
nothing

(tag)
you go where you need to go
I can't take nothing anymore


(c) 2007 VL Flawith (Socan, Ascap)

Title: Then Came You
Genre: Pop/Adult Contemporary
Status: Demo mix targeted for film/tv
Todo: Re-record vocals pending lyrics feedback and to tighten performance; mastering on the mix

[edit] I will try and do at least one re-recording based on feedback I get here and post it to the thread.

Some questions I have:

1) lyrics - any comments are welcomed - are they too loose and conversational? more imagery? too ambiguous or too specific for film/tv?

2) audio quality - what aspects of the sound should I improve for film/tv?

Song links:
Then Came You (soundclick player)
Then Came You (mp3)

Lyrics:

Everybody's running around, searching high and low
What for?
Everybody's eyes looking down, 'stead of saying hello
What's the point?

(Prechorus)
A lost soul, caught in a maze, in this big ol' town
Caught in a maze
I was trying to run in a race, I kept slowing down
So tired

(Chorus)
First I found that all I ever thought about was home
But next, I found that I was better on my own
And then, I started finding places that I'd go
And soon, I had a place like home
I knew that something wasn't right I needed more
A place feels empty without someone to love
But... then came you...
Then came you.

Now I'm turning the page, yeah I'm doing alright
Getting by
Still a little caught in a cage, but the view is fine
But I won't lie...

(Repeat Prechorus)

(Repeat Chorus)

Then came you...
Then came you...

Now when I look around, all the buildings smile back
Feels like home
That reflection I see in the mirror, it's me
I'm not alone...

(Repeat Prechorus)

(Repeat Chorus)

Music and lyrics copyright 2007 musicflow and associated copyright holders.

--
Other music: Soundclick Listing

MP3 link: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=538905

rough demo- vocal/guitar/harmony


Title: Only love survives © 2006 by Samuel Joseph Harris
Genre: County/Folk
Status: Need to prep before pro mix-must alter POV to female's
Questions: Does this say anything to todays audience or am I 25 years too late?
Written for EmmyLou Harris- A baby boomer didy

(V1) Her daddy was the son of a Rebel’s son but his world was dying fast
With the Stars and Bars stuck in the front yard and his head stuck in the past
When she walked home with a black man’s son
with her arm around his waist
her daddy stopped them in the driveway and slapped her in the face

(PC) She said “Daddy, that was senseless
They just shot Martin down in Memphis”

(Ch) A rebels born- a hero dies
She just stood in the Dixie rain and cried
Oh, It took her years to realize……
Only love survives

(V2) Daddy never said another word after she moved away
When she married that young black man there was nothing left to say
They planned to move to Baton Rouge but he was sent to Viet Nam
And when the stars and stripes lit up the night, She knew that he was gone

(PC) The day that Neil walked on the moon,
She felt the baby move

(Ch)
A baby's born- a soldier dies
She just stared at the Dixie moon and cried
Oh, It took her years to realize….
Only love survives

(Bridge) Now she wonder where the years have gone
But this old world just keeps moving on
She's moving on

……instrumental…

(V3) She took her little boy to see her daddy on their way to Birmingham
Her son said, “Are you my grandpa” and her daddy said, “Yes I am”
“I’m just a stubborn old rebel son, but your momma’s a rebel too”
And when he squeezed that little brown hand
The Civil War was through

(PC) On the day that Saigon fell,
Her daddy said his last farewell

(Ch) A spirit born - a rebel dies
She just stood in the Dixie rain and cried
It took her years to realize
Only Love survives
Only Love survives

Here is a link to the MP3:

www.myspace.com/chrisroberts5

Somebody But Later c2006 Chris Roberts

everybody hesitating
everybodys got a little bit of time for wasting
oh there goes the bills
everything will stay

down in the basement
decency escaping
oh your momma say
be somebody but later

everybody is related
everybody needs to spend some time to stop the hating
oh your momma say
you kill a man you die that day

down in the basement
decency escaping
oh your momma say
be somebody but later

everybody is mistaken
everybody lives their lives like someone else has made it
oh the bills are still late
everything will wait

down in the basement
decency escaping
oh your momma say
be somebody but later




thanks for the great opportunity,
chris

My entry for the week.

One Hell Of A Good Storm
http://www.soundclick.com/pro/view/01/default.cfm?bandid=148114&songid=4571133&content=song


Uptempo Rockabilly song.
It is done but I would redo it if it needs it. Except I'd still be the singer 'cause Elvis is not available..

One Hell of A Good Storm
©2006 Bill Robinson ASCAP

I met her beneath the lights
At a home team baseball game
She said just call me Stormy
Her beauty matched her name
Shared a coke with a taste of whiskey
In the seventh inning stretch
Then she nailed a home run ball
With a bare handed catch

CH
She came into my life like a midnight stormy sky
There was thunder in her heart lightning in her eyes
Like a sail in a gale she blew me away left me tattered and torn
She Left my heart in a mess but it was one hell of a good storm

When she walked into the bar
All the men would stop and stare
Singin’ I’m a redneck woman
If you don’t like it I don’t care
Go cruisin’ on her Harley
Challenge all the boys to race
Her eyes could melt your heart
A look would put you in your place

Chorus
She came into my life like a midnight stormy sky
There was thunder in her heart lightning in her eyes
Like a sail in a gale she blew me away left me tattered and torn
She left my heart in a mess but it was one hell of a good storm

Bridge
I went to pick her up, her Harley was gone, she left like lightning in the night
Rollin’ through the darkness ‘til she was out of sight

Chorus
She came into my life like a midnight stormy sky
There was thunder in her heart lightning in her eyes
Like a sail in a gale she blew me away left me tattered and torn
She left my heart in a mess but it was one hell of a good storm

Tempo: Allegretto
Key: E
(I left the chords out to avoid having to format it)

Roadrunner
Words and Music by Jack Swain, © 2007

(Chorus)
Roadrunner, you're running day after day
Roadrunner, there's no one standing in your way
Roadrunner, you've got another gig tonight
Roadrunner, you'll get a little sleep at daylight

(V1)
You're out there on the road again
Like a bird that's taken flight
But, you're out there in the hinterland
With little place for you to light
So you keep racing through the night

(Chorus)
Roadrunner, you're running day after day
Roadrunner, there's no one standing in your way
Roadrunner, you've got another gig tonight
Roadrunner, you'll get a little sleep at daylight

(V2)
The last town was a blur, now
Like a hundred towns before
The motels and truckstops are
A purgatory to your core
The road's no salvation anymore

(V2) Instrumental (12 bars)

(Chorus)
Roadrunner, you're running day after day
Roadrunner, there's no one standing in your way
Roadrunner, you've got another gig tonight
Roadrunner, you'll get a little sleep at daylight

(V3)
Who's gonna love you
For more than just one night
And who's gonna care for you
When the band is not in sight
Who'll kiss the roadrunner goodnight?

((Chorus)
Roadrunner, you're running day after day
Roadrunner, there's no one standing in your way
Roadrunner, you've got another gig tonight
Roadrunner, you'll get a little sleep at daylight

Roadrunner ooh ooh ooh
Roadrunner ooh ooh ooh
Roadrunner ooh ooh ooh
Roadrunner

Weeds Amongst Flowers
©2006 Granite Land Music ASCAP
The Quahaugs

MP3 link: www.myspace.com/thequahaugs

Weeds amongst flowers
Flowers amongst the weeds
Katrina blew in from the deep blue sea

She nearly blew out my life
But she won’t take my soul
City of New Orleans are you ready to Rock & Roll?
Renew / Renew / Renew
Renew for life, Tonight

X’s on buildings
A FEMA tattoo
Rust stains on the windows
Desperation grew

She nearly blew out my life
But she won’t take my soul
City of New Orleans are you ready to Rock & Roll?
Renew / Renew / Renew
Renew for life, Tonight

Flooded cars under the freeway
Naked children in the park
The hurricane’s all over
Now the misery starts

She nearly blew out my life
But she won’t take my soul
City of New Orleans are get ready to Rock & Roll.

March To My Own Drummer c Wyman Griffith (Fresh ink)

V 1
Rules and regulations
Are the bane of my life
They wanta' tell me where to live
And where to set my time
They scan me at the airport
They scan me at the school
Take my picture at the mall
Till I feel like a fool

C
I'd like to march to my own drummer
Boogie to my own beat
'Cause I ain't nobody else
I'm just me

V 2
Wanta' tell me how to build my house
And how much it should cost
How to run my business
Ain't even my own boss
Tell me how fast I can drive
How to get from here to there
Where I can go swimmin'
And how much I should wear

C
I'd like to march to my own drummer
Boogie to my own beat
'Cause I ain't nobody else
I'm just me

B
Is there no place in the world, maybe Timbuktu
Where I can still do, just what I wanta' do

C
I'd like to march to my own drummer
Boogie to my own beat
'Cause I ain't nobody else
I'm just me

That’s A Good Cuppa Coffee
©2002 J.M. Richardson (Bullock)

1.
I’m a Java Junkie
I’m a coffee bean fiend.
I can drink it black
or sugared ‘n creamed.

If I order it in Spanish,
I just say au lait.
I can order it in Paris
in the very same way.

If it’s freshly brewed
I’m as happy as can be.
I say, “Mmmm…(ooee)
That’s a good cuppa coffee.”

2.
My baby had a temper
was always throwin’ fits.
I had had enough;
was gonna call it quits.

Went to her apartment
but I couldn’t stay mad
‘cuz the coffee she gave me
was the best I ever had.

So, instead of goodbye
I said, “Wontcha, marry me!”
Then Mmmm …(ooee)
That’s a good cuppa coffee.

3.
Pour me some coffee
I could drink a pot.
Regular roast or fancy
anything you got.

If I’m feelin’ crabby
you can change my mood
with a cuppa steamin’ Java
that’s freshly brewed.

A big cuppa Joe
will get a smile from me
and Mmmm …(ooee)
That’s a good cuppa coffee.

OK ... what the heck ... I'll dip my toe in ... This is an older song that I have been looking over to see how it can be improved. A song of inspiration as well as frustration.
I do have an original recording, a very rough demo ... maybe a little too slow... but that is open for a re-do. http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=100751 00000
Here goes.
Thanks for the look... Joanne

The Strength to Win
Joanne Lurgio©2005/BMI
V1
Gone is the light that once shone in your eyes
When you smiled, you would light up the room
That look on your face, is slowly erased
I watch as you fall to some cold lonely place

V2
Remember you said that the world was your stage
You would dance in the light of the moon
Cloud covered sky, no where to hide
Your dance has ended; the music has died.

chorus
When the spirit grows weaker than the will to survive
The devils, the demons, too strong too fight
Don’t you give up; don’t you give in.
Deep down inside, you’ve got the strength to win

V3
You say you feel lost in the dark of the night
And you can’t calm the fear in your soul
Tattered & torn, beaten & worn
Too tired to fight, you just lie down and mourn

chorus
When the spirit grows weaker than the will to survive
The devils, the demons, too strong too fight
Don’t you give up; don’t you give in.
Deep down inside, you’ve got the strength to win

bridge
I have reached out to you time & again
Sadly I can’t, comfort, you, my friend

chorus
When the spirit grows weaker than the will to survive
The devils & demons, too strong too fight
Don’t you give up; don’t you give in.
Deep down inside, you’ve got the strength to win

Look inside, you’ll find the strength to win

Genre: Country
Improve the song, ready to pitch, commercial?

Sad Comes Along And Finds You

1. He stands alone by the teeter totter
With the gum machine ring he bought her
Then he walks home without his friend.
Through high school they’d gone steady
But after prom she said she wasn’t ready
Now he sits in his college dorm and remembers when.

Sad comes along and finds you
Whether you’re young or old…or thirty-two
As sure as the air you breathe it will unwind you
When sad comes along and finds you.

2. His mama used to sing in the choir
Til the day he rode in on his radio flier
Then she sat down and drew him near.
He hadn’t been back to this old church
Since he used the tissue from his mama’s purse
Now she’s not here to dry his tears.

Sad comes along and finds you
Whether you’re young or old…or thirty-two
As sure as the air you breathe it will unwind you
When sad comes along and finds you.

3. He stands with his sons and daughters
And the diamond ring he bought her
After fifty years of marriage, What a life!
As they gather all around him
With tears and a bittersweet grin
He said, “The sun still shines -- you will survive, when

Sad comes along and finds you
Whether you’re young or old…or thirty-two
As sure as the air you breathe love will guide you
When sad comes along and finds you.


© 10/12/06 Vondelle L. Hebert

Hello,

I am a brand new member -- 1st post. I just survived the RPM "Write/Record a CD in February" Challenge so I have 14 new songs. I'll just submit track 1 here. It is pretty simple. The first verse says I have a problem, the 2nd verse discusses the attraction of the missus to the "problem" and the 3rd verse discusses the consequences.

The mp3 is at: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=620106&songID=4975009 (Ok I need to know how to a link!)

Kevin


*******************************************************
Indian Casino
(Lyrics: Kevin Emmrich, music: Anderson/Emmrich)
© Kevin Emmrich 2007

Well I tried to talk to my baby
She’s always in a hurry to go
I want to be serious, talk about things
But she just always says no
I’ve lost my baby to the Indian Casino

The neon lights are flashing
The pretty boys are dancing
The drinks are flowing
And the lights are down low
I say this for real, but she says “Hey, shut up and deal”
I lost my baby to the Indian Casino

The bank account is low, the bills are high
I don’t know where to turn, make me want to cry
She says ‘What’s the Fuss”, but she needs Gambler’s Anonymous
I’ve lost my baby to the Indian Casino

Well I tried to talk to my baby
She’s always in a hurry to go
I want to be serious, talk about things
But she just always says no
I’ve lost my baby to the Indian Casino

I’ve lost my baby to the Indian Casino
I’ve lost my dreams to the Indian Casino
***************************************************

© 2006 Lisa L. Gundling
© 2006 Terry C. Graham [ascap]

Livin' On Tons of Love

Verse 1
My lady always pays close attention to me
She studies my heart, then gives me what I need
She showers me with praise when life gets me down
Pampers me like her poodle when I'm feelin' like her hound.

Defends me like a trooper, when trouble comes around. . .

Chorus
And there’s a secret why . . . we’re so content
Why our time together, couldn't be better spent
Well my baby and me we never, well . . .hardly ever, clash
Cause we're. . . livin' on tons of love and a little cash.

Verse 2
I was groaning to my baby, bout my beat-up shoes
She rustled up a pair, plus some dancin' boots
It gets my toes a-tappin’ to a knee-slappin’ beat
Knowing that she loves me, from my head down to my feet.

Bridge
Now if we both held jobs . . . all week long nine to five
We'd have lots of cash, but precious little time
You can’t buy this kind of love, no matter what you have to spend
So all that extra cash ain’t worth a dime in the end.

Chorus
And there’s a secret why . . . we’re so content
Why our time together, couldn't be better spent
Well my baby and me we never, well . . .hardly ever, clash
Cause we're. . . livin' on tons of love and a little cash.

Out-Chorus
YES there’s a secret why . . . we’re both so happy
Indulge me one last time, if I sound a little sappy
Well my baby and me we never, well . . .hardly ever, clash
Livin' on tons of love and a little cash.

Repeat to Fade
We’re livin’ on tons of love and a little cash.

Harriet has already reviewed all the lyrics and mp3s here. She has it down to 2 for this week and will letting me know soon. (She's scoring a film right now I think and has been a bit tied up with that).

She actually spent time with all the lyrics and mp3s and said she feels like she's already mentally critiqued them all. But I don't want to take advantage of her so we're going to keep the critues to 1 at a time at this point. Don't post anymore here for this week.

Brian

Porcelain Doll (C) Michelle Hotaling, 2005

http://www.unsignedbandweb.com/music/bands/8552/

VERSE 1
She's not just the face of a porcelain doll
Another pretty face that you depend too much upon
Time, another game, they try so hard to entertain
Caught up in a losin' battle, with nothing left to gain

CHORUS
But after the night comes, intentions can unfold
As you take a little piece of her shattering soul
And do you remember, choices made in pain
Made you decide to never love again
A worn-out soul, was never your goal
Still you feel so alone…

VERSE 2
Promises true, promise nothing at all
Trust in disappointment and you'll never have to fall
Once a circle starts, it's so hard to break away
But she’s already broken in every simple way

CHORUS
But after the night comes, intentions unfold
And you take another piece of her shattering soul
And do you remember, choices made in pain
Made you decide to never love again
A worn out soul, was never the goal
Still you feel so alone

GUITAR SOLO

VERSE 3
If you try now to escape, child, you'll never get away
Guilt will chain you down by a haunted yesterday
Still she’ll wait, as her powers unfold
Regains her strength once the truth has been told…
By your, shattering soul…

CHORUS

www.michellehotaling.com
www.chainedbydreams.com

Michelle,

Week 1 is already complete. You can read Harriet's review on the other post here.

Brian