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One Gone Right


That one about unrequitted Love mmmmm hmmmm
'might sound strange, that I figure we had got it right
to this day I'll lay ya odds that we did just that
Sorry , no bumpin, grindin heart-breaking story


Never layed a hand on her , shake: nice to meet you!
never had a date , a phone talk or nothing else
and yet , the fondest memory , have I of her,
never will I forget for all the tea 'nChina

Flying down the stairs at two or three at a time
I almost crashed into that girl down the stairwell
That moment, I did pray: God! don't let me hit her
She must have had some similar thought , or prayer


For our trouble , and it weren't none, we went t'heaven
for the smallest part of time, 'cause any longer...
God himself couldn't have pulled us out of that place
So peaceful was it and serene, most beautiful!


You'd need eternity to take in all that's there
And there weren't nothing , but linen , cloud and light.
The cloud we laid upon, the light was everywhere
The linen was woven into the cloud , like bed


it ain't done yet but, I gotta go and don't know how to save it to finish later.
Pete
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When the smallest part of time went by, we gulpt air.
Our lungs had been empty and no fear had we 'tall
We'd given each other the longest wide-eyed stare
All because we'd worried 'bout t'other in th'fall


I'd say I think we got it right, I'd seen the hands...
I'd seen 'em on paintings from Asia and Europe
Tapered, both ways , sleek and slender , both soft and warm
Finally think we got it right, and never harm...


What we have shall not come to harm , never , never!
what we have is worth waiting for , ever ever!
Think we got it right , this time , I don't mind the wait.
Forget about that day? No ! Not ever never!
Pete, now it's done.

[This message has been edited by TheGuyWhowouldn'tSignHisN (edited 09-02-2004).]

Well, there are eight verses and no chorus... Is this a country song?
To tell you the truth - this one just confused me. I think it's about meeting someone accidentally and having 'a moment' with them you won't forget, but since nothing is repeated it's hard to find what you want the listener to remember from this song. They'll likely end up remembering the never, never, ever, ever part at the end...
I think that this one could use some editing.
Lee Anna


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http://www.soundclick.com/bands/9/troublewithmonday.htm

Hey Pete

I got you catching eyes with her in the stair well of one of the towers as it was starting to fall - and then sharing some sort of after-life moment with her ? I have changed my medication recently , so excuse me if I'm out there with this image .

I certainly think you need to contact Lee Anna and appologize - guy you shook her up bad and she may very well need a big hug after desperately trying for you .

All kidding aside , unless you intend to use Jim Dean - in a darkened room - with a single guitar - as he narrates this tone - you need to pull it together .

I like the theme (I think) . Gotta go find some more pills ........

Don

Hi Pete,

Don't know what genre you're aiming for, but this is not a song yet. It's a poem. Some very nice images...good lines...think it could be a great song!

Lee Anne,
Thank you for takingf the time for the read and I'm sorry you don't approve , it was a tall order.
Don,
Thank you for the feedback ,I'll try to get some pills too. Didn't mean to scare anybody.
Songbird,
You may well be right about the poem part, figured I'd give it a try anyhow. Thank you for the encouragement and thank you all for the kind words.
Hey, is there a site for poetry?
Pete

Some great lines and imagery in this.... but yep, t'is a poem in my estimation. A unique one at that. You have a memorable style.

CP

Hey Pete

95% kidding before , but I figured you knew that , and you already made it clear re-writes were necessary as well , so doubt anything said surprised you .

Curious bud - was I even close to the intended story line you were creating ?

Don

Canada , Don,
Not to worry about kidding around, no sweat. Sorta right about the story line , not the afterlife , though , more like Heaven , while we were still alive. Either a gift for thinking more about someone else than ourselves, or , some playful Angels that had quite a sense of humor , can't imagine what the "boss" said when He found out if'n it were'nt Him.
Oh no towers either , like a staircase at school.
Pete

Corey,
Yikes! You sure you don't want to save such kind words for a special ocasion. I'm blushshing ovah heeyah! Thanks again!
Pete, tried to post this yesterdee and my puter wouldn't cooperate.

Hey Pete, liking this lots!!!!!

poems sometimes make great songs; my most radio played song is "Visions" written as a poem before i became lyrically deranged

click the link if you wanna listen.

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http://www.ampcast.com/music/26305/artist.php

[This message has been edited by sweetjoyce (edited 09-04-2004).]

pete you nut...you from maine or an implant? like ritt's remark on lyrically deranged. Liked alot of the lines in your song...The linen was woven into the cloud , like bed-especially that one. Bruce Springsteen doesn't always use a typical chorus...his lines are brilliant like Pearl Jam. I could go on and on with examples that aren't country. Have you done open-mic yet? Linda

Well....I don't know what the hell I just read...but..
I really like it.

It was compelling...I just kept reading..then I read it again..

This is strange...but really enjoyable...

It'd be tough to sing, for sure...

I dunno...

cool..

Bob

Bob,
Thanks for the kind remarks. That it's likable means more to me than it's singable. The art and craft of writing involves more than meets the eye , to be sure. If one pops out that flows well and tells a story I'll be two thirds there, only lacking the appropriate tunes.
Pete