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Hi...Y'all...I was given the good advice
of....workin on my meter...(guess at times
I get Too metered...hum dum...fun rum...so
I'se workin at doin some mixin up..of line
lengths etc. THIS i'm sure is not 'xactly
commercial material..but even if.. this isn't too serious...i'd appreciate some feedback...thanks.

Bar Dog Brawl
Kaley Willow
c2000

At Hounds' Bar sat a Red Setter named Sadie.
Well known for her liking to flirt.
Tho' never crowned a dignified lady,
she avoids at all cost them..shady
looks ..from the likes of one
bad mouthin' Bulldog... named Burt.

chorus

Looks like a
Bar Dog Brawl
Bar Dog Brawl
Pain is the cost
as tempers are lost
at the Bar Dog Brawl.

There were piercin growls, and canine's were sharp'nin.
Smoke mixed w'perfume in the mist.
Three Black Labrador gals started barkin'.
Terrier tempers were sparkin',
as Burt walked by Sadie...
then sauntered on back to be kissed.

Gonna be a
Bar Dog Brawl
Bar Dog Brawl
Pain is the cost
as tempers are lost
at the Bar Dog Brawl.

Well along came a Spuds Mc'Kenzie-type Bull
just waggin' to take Bad Burt down
Was up for a rip-roaring tangle
Held Burt in a merc'less strangle
until the other bar dogs
drug Bad-Bull Burt out of town.

There was a
Bar Dog Brawl
Bar Dog Brawl
Pain was the Cost
Bad Burt dun lost
at the Bar Dog Brawl.

A Barkin cheer rang loud in Hounds' Bar that day
as Sadie and Spuds Bull 'schanged paws..
Their love came from a howlin' good fight.
Sadie kissed Spud's bruises and bites
W'tails and hearts thumpin',
made their exit 'midst the applause.



[This message has been edited by Kaley Willow (edited 10-17-2001).]

Hi Kaley....

Nice to see some of us are still around during the holidays...although I did take my share of time off, too. More time off from writing than from reading posts. Well, there is nothing hum-drum about the meter in this one! You have lots of variety...and as they say, that is the spice! You also have one crazy imagination You got me beat on that...for sure!

Hi...Sunny....Thanks for taking a look
and commenting... I really do have a few
serious ones for next week. ...Before
the kids, I had lots of 4 legged kids
around...now just 1 4 legged one, 2 2-legged.......

..........Kaley....

Hi Kaley! Happy holidays! hehe..Your songs have such vivid pictures! only nit - V3 "until" sounds like the other bar dogs are saving burt from spuds...Maybe
"then let the other bar dogs
Chase Bad Bull Burt out of town..."
I love "barkin'cheer" and " 'schanged paws."
A great observation on the fine points of canine posturing...Happy New Year!

------------------
Jean

Hi Kaley, just having a quick peep before heading out for a New Year's Celebration with some friends, Australia also celebrates 100 years of Federation on 1st January so the celebrations in Sydney tonight will be enormous but we're staying quiet and watching the celebrations on the tellie. Great writing, where do you get these ideas from?

Hi Jeanne....Hi Judy ...Jeanne I'll
take a look at that...line...I'm not
sure I'm following you but maybe it's
not super clear who's holdin down who
it will ad a syllable but maybe I should
say

SPUDS held Burt in a merc'less strangle
until the other bar dogs (is that clear?
drug Bad-boy Burt out of town. (change)

Jeanne try again tellin me....if you would.

Judy..thanks. ..I don't know...maybe it's
because I waited so late to start writin
and all this stuff is stored up there
waitin to come out...dunno... p.s. I do
like wine....but with these tavern themes
of mine...hope I don't have people wondrin...

Best to you both in the New Year.......Kaley

Kaley, the picture I got was of Spuds holding Bad Burt in this great headlock UNTIL the other dogs drug Burt out of the fight (ie. recue?). I think I expected more of a 'the other dogs join in the fray and applaud while Spuds was the hero and finished kickin' Burt's but' kind of scenario. Does that help? Anyway, I love the story and the ending - This was just a little glitch for me. What I did fail to mention is that I really love the way you use the canine perspective in almost every line so that a tavern full of dogs seems to be a very natural circumstance haha! That perspective is what really makes this song so fun -Great job! and have a great New Year!

------------------
Jean

Hi..Jean...thanks much for the comeback....
let me take another.look...and thanks
for the comments. ..that was what I was trying to show....that he held him down...didn't want any more bloodshed....
the others drug him to the far ends of town.....where he could lick his wounds.

so I'se give your idea more thought....
the very best to you too ......I was surprised to see a dog video last night on CMT.

Hi Kaley,

Back some time ago a series of pictures were created which showed dogs playing cards, and doing "human" things.

They were quite popular, and I have to think there are many copies around in attics, garages, and rec rooms, and they will resurface one day as collector items.

What you have done here is created a wonderful lyrical version of this series.

It seems Sunny and Jeanne have taken a close look so I'll focus on overall structure. My only nit here is that you might be better served using aababab.

This allows you two verses to set up your chorus. (My difficulty was to see how v1 could cause a brawl; v2 was a bit clearer, though not definite.)

One final little nit. I do not like the "lives" being lost in the chorus. How's about "pain is the cost, as tempers are lost, at the bar dog brawl

Final note, your wonderful sense of humour and imagery really shows Kaley. And I still love your cow song!!

John

boy, John...thanks for taking such a serious
look at it...come to think about it I know
what pictures/and little nic nacs you're talking about.

so you're saying maybe incorporate a bit
more plot in first and build up more in
2nd.....I maybe writing you for help on that.
But as such...I have enough verses?

I have a serious block with re-writes
I hope I can start getting past that.

...thanks for taking the time...

Kaley

Hi Kaley,

Came back to this via your comment.

Yes that is what I meant. You can go aababab
and if you think its too short, add a bridge so that the structure is aabab(bridge)ab or somthing like that.

I know what you mean about rewrites. My problem is that I am a very spontaneous writer and if I actually have to work for it, writing loses its luster for me.

Good luck with this!
John